dennmu
Well it's coming up on a year now. In some ways I feel better, but am still facing many problems. On the plus side my wife seems to be staying loyal. She tries to work with me as best she can, but I feel like she's starting to become a little short. The issues I'm facing now, is I'm starting to become comfortable again. I found myself scratching to find her doing wrong, I question a her all the time. I guess you can say that while I love my wife and my family, I'm scared to let my gaurd go down. While I'd like to say I trust her again, I have to be honest and say I don't fully. At least once a week I will fall into a funk and think that she's out doing all the same things again. I fall into detective mode, or start quizzing her on her day to day. I'm not foolish to ignore that this will eventually kill what it is I'm trying to rebuild. It's become and addiction really. I have seen a therapist myself and while doing the therapy I feel much better and stop the negative thoughts and or actions for awhile, but down the road it always creeps back. I guess I'm not sure how to stop doubting and just let it ride. Is it normal to still feel so scared? How should I ex0ect her to react to continued questioning, and should she start to get angry? It's not like I'm still stuck in the victim mentality, I don't continue to blame her for my downfalls, but when I try to explain to her that I'm scared, her response is a simple "that's life" and will eventually get irritated. Any thoughts on this? Suggestions? Because I'm just starting to think that I'm crazy, or maybe I've made the wrong choice in trying to rebuild our lives.
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wareagle
Wish i had answers for you.  i wish my wife would come back and lets try again but I'm like you, It will be hard not to wonder if she is cheating or every time she is on the phone who she is talking to.  I wish you lots of luck and I hope that you can get over it.
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Dirazz
Dennmu, no you are not crazy. I am 9 months past DD and those thoughts creep in my head too once in a while. My husband is saying and doing everything possible to make me feel safe. But I still get that little seed of doubt. What if he's fooling me again?? But I have put my total faith in God and that's he is making good out of all this mess. And so far he has. I live with intentional positive thoughts and choose to focus on our love for each other instead of the pain. I realized I was sabotaging a marriage I wanted to work.
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UrbanExplorer
My process is ongoing, but our counselor advised we set boundaries we both feel are healthy. For instance, we could check in with each other during the day and make sure the other knows when we expect to be home. The counselor was not a fan of snooping but recommended open dialogue and that if one of us had questions and wanted to look at the other's phone or delve into financial expenditures, it should be done together out in the open.

I suppose my husband will never know for sure that I am not cheating. I will be labeled as a cheater and a risky partner for a lifetime. The best we can do, if we stay together, is to be our most authentic selves even if it means saying things the other does not want to hear.
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Heidi
Hi denmu. I found myself going through something similar recently. We are 15 months post d day. My mind was going around in circles, and I was restless, still looking for answers. I found myself spending a lot of time thinking about whether he's really changed and reading blogs and sites like these.

I talked about it with our MC and she suggested I designate 1/2 hour a day to thinking about the affair. If I have thoughts /worries at other times, I either save them for later or write them down to think about during my 'worry' time. She explained that worrying /anxiety is behaviour, and it was my choice whether I do it or not. And I'm far enough down the line to know that whether I worry or not, I can't change things.

It's given me the headspace I need to stop thinking about things all the time and enjoy the moment. Plus I'm able to get more work done and spend more quality time with my kids.

It sounds very simple, and I was in enough of a negative thought spiral to think it wouldn't help, but it really has. It's been a week since I started and I'm so much calmer.
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dennmu
Heidi wrote:
Hi denmu. I found myself going through something similar recently. We are 15 months post d day. My mind was going around in circles, and I was restless, still looking for answers. I found myself spending a lot of time thinking about whether he's really changed and reading blogs and sites like these.

I talked about it with our MC and she suggested I designate 1/2 hour a day to thinking about the affair. If I have thoughts /worries at other times, I either save them for later or write them down to think about during my 'worry' time. She explained that worrying /anxiety is behaviour, and it was my choice whether I do it or not. And I'm far enough down the line to know that whether I worry or not, I can't change things.

It's given me the headspace I need to stop thinking about things all the time and enjoy the moment. Plus I'm able to get more work done and spend more quality time with my kids.

It sounds very simple, and I was in enough of a negative thought spiral to think it wouldn't help, but it really has. It's been a week since I started and I'm so much calmer.
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dennmu
Thanks Heidi,

What kind of things have you started doing to take your mind off of it. Honestly it's really hard not to worry about the future. I'm having a really hard time really letting go and trusting that she's being true to me both emotionally and physically. I'm almost there im about 95 percent, but I still have that nagging seed of doubt that it may still be or will happen again. I so want to just move forward and feel comfortable with her, but honestly this shook me to my core, I never believed that she could ever do something like this. I thought I had found the perfect match for me, who would never hurt me. And even this day the pain is still so great.
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Heidi
The pain is awful, isn't it? I liken the negative thoughts to the hypervigilance that someone with PTSD is going through. I think it's our mind's way of protecting us from ever feeling that pain again, if we don't let ourselves be vulnerable, we can't be hurt. Sadly, we often end up hurting ourselves instead.

I try wherever I can to practice mindfulness. I don't know if you've heard of it, but it's really helped me. It's not just meditation, but also learning to control your thoughts. I've found that I'm able to stop from engaging with the ones I know are negative. I imagine myself pushing them out of my mind. Others imagine they are clouds and let them float away. Sounds stupid, but it works for me.

If I find myself engaging with them, I'll get up and do something else. Go for a walk, call a friend, or take a bath. Others do exercise, go for runs etc. Again, it's about finding what works for you.

It's important not to ignore the thoughts, as they'll come back big time. Acknowledge they are there, but see them for what they are. Worries and fears not based in your current reality. They're like looking in the rear view mirror when yo should be looking at the wind shield.

As soon as my counsellor said it was MY choice whether I behaved that way our not, it was as if something clicked on my brain. It was empowering to know that feeling better was in my control. Yes my WS did something awful and devastating, but the only person I was punishing by thinking that way was myself.
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Heidi
Oh, and just to add, the 1/2 worry time is really important. It's like telling myself it's okay to have these thoughts, just not all the time. Because to be thinking about then all the time is exhausting.
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blythespirit
Yes, it is exhausting. Too much time focusing on what's done leads me nowhere good. Including getting riled up sometimes by the conversations in this forum - lol! In any case, I am trying to embrace the concept of mindfulness too, learning to focus on the individual moments in each day. And to understand that it's our choice whether to be happy or not. Such a simple statement but hard to really grasp. I'm getting there and yes, I have to believe that it will feel incredibly empowering once I get there. Funny thing is that seeing me engaging in life again and working towards happiness, independent of my WS's uncertainty about us, seems to be therapeutic for him as well. Unintended and unexpected but very welcome.
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ConfusedInLimbo
Thanks guys on the bit about mindfulness. 10 months from Dday and I must say thoughts about the OW have lessened greatly. It's more about my husbands betrayal and the future now. However I do still get them and I think the mindfulness concept will help. Love it when the forum produces helpful things to try .
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Dirazz
I call it living intentionally. But it sounds like the same thing. And it really does work. You don't have to live by your feelings. Intentionally be positive, intentionally be happy. And pretty soon you really are!
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AHmember113
I know i need to do this but distractions are the only thing that seem to work for me.
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