canadien2499
Hello there Everybody;
So to make long story short;
We had been living in this city for seven years but only started our acquaintance 3 years ago with this third party guy; when we met his family and started to share our experiences with them; We were sharing Christmas, barbecue and vacation time together with his family; 

Fast forward until 12 months ago when I was observing him calling my wife all the time and they are constantly messaging each other; So, I put my foot down as I was getting a gut feeling that something was wrong and I was being played; She makes a remark that I was not a good husband and she needed him for emotional support when I confronted her about him and why she is abandoning all her friends and cousins and why are we exclusively going to this family alone for activities and celebration.

So I have ended my wife's three years affair which happened last month; this was very nasty end as she was going back to him even after No contact rule was established; her reasoning was that because I was contacting his wife and contacting her old friend she needed him again for support because I was abusing her emotionally according to her.

I put VAR in our car and recorded their conversation where my wife is becoming way too much affectionate toward him; I opened up their recording in front of his wife and Mom; my wife says that she really hates me for this decision; she asks why I did not tell her and they would have stopped communication if I had confronted her alone.

And Now I understand why things got real personal with him;
it seems I was infertile at that time two years ago; so, my wife got desperate for baby and used him as a donor; I was not informed of this decision; this all came out when I decided to do the DNA test as I knew she was hiding something.

Now, the thing is that third party guy is out of our life but my wife is hurt; how do you move to reconcile and what needs to happen for her to become more receptive of love from me? She says that I was really detached from her for long Years after our marriage and she needed emotional support and that's why she used him for support; How can I become that core support for her?
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Keepabuzz
I would say that she is the one who betrayed YOU! This other guy is the actual father of the child you thought was yours?? I would personally say run, and run faat, but if you chose to stay, SHE needs to be the one to be figuring out how to support YOU, after her betrayal. I sounds like you may be doing the “pick me dance”.  I assure you, that won’t end well.  
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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ThrivenotSurvive

Here is the very first thing you need to get very clear in your head:

Your wife may have very legitimate gripes and resentments from your marriage.  

You probably had some as well. 

She, for reasons of her own, decided that rather than talk to you, demand counseling, or ask for a separation (a reasonable escalation) she would have an affair with someone else. Between the length of time, the repeated going behind your back even after it was out in the open and the DNA test - I feel fairly certain you still don’t have the full picture.  I seriously doubt this was just an emotional affair. 

So her unhappiness with your behavior is not an excuse for her actions.  It was a legitimate reason to do all the things I listed above - and even up to divorce, but going behind your back to get a child with another man? That would be a huge breach of trust without the affair.  It is the most personal choice a couple can make together! 

Then to have an affair with the guy for months, even years, right under the noses of your and his wife?  That is SERIOUS DUPLICITY.  

The fact that she has the nerve to be angry with YOU and blame YOU for it does not speak well for her character or desire to change.  If she isn’t taking the initiative to save your marriage, you shouldn’t put your energies there either.  If she does, you can meet her part of the way, but saving this marriage isn’t one person’s job.  It’s for two people - and she should take the lead. 

As Keep said above - no one EVER wins the “pick-me” dance.  

Insteadof chasing her, take some time and emotional distance and make sure you REALLY want the woman in front of you.  Sometimes we fight for something because we don’t want to lose, not because we want what is there.  This is a time to be very, very clear on your own motives.  


if you realize you don’t - leave.  

If you decide you do - consider reading about, and acting on the 180.  Not to get her to choose you, but to see if there is any hope for the relationship.  Because if she doesn’t react to you pulling away, then her heart has already left the marriage entirely, and you are fighting a losing and demeaning battle.  

So sorry you are going through this.  We all understand this pain.  

BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child
DD May 2016

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl
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canadien2499
Problem for me right now is to make her see her mistake;
She says that she did nothing wrong; How do I make her see the error in her judgement?

She says everyone has a different way of looking at life and I can not judge her for the connection she made with him; I struggled a lot to make them stop as he was included in all facets of our life and I could not go out without him included; they included me as part of backup plan in case some one asks why he is around her so much.

 I feel that she was in a limerence and fog over this other guy for a long time because of the fact that she got a child out of him and it was their little secret that gave rise to strong emotional connection between them; She was always saying that he is so great at so many things I was starting to think that he was her husband and I was outside looking in;

Initially she was saying that he was guiding her in the Career and family issues but it was an eye opening experience when I put VAR in our car and was able to hear for real what both of them talking about; She was saying that he is the only one who she listen and respects to in this life; another instance she said that because how he treats her each time that her love for him keeps growing.

And when I told her to stop she became defensive and said that why you did not stop me before and why stop me now; the blame always shifted to third party guys wife or  my wife friend who were all manipulating me and trying to break our relation according to her.

The thing is I am clear in what Boundaries I am OK with and what I will not allow; but biggest perk I fight is that she feels no guilt or regret over what happened; how do I make her see my pain? and reconcile?
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ThrivenotSurvive
Truthfully?  You can't.  No one can make anyone do anything.  And it is a fool's errand to try.  And if she doesn't want to reconcile, or accept responsibility for the magnitude of what she's done, NOTHING you say (or do) will change her mind.  If you yell at her, she will decide you are the jerk and she was justified.  If you cry or beg her to stay, she will see you as weak and clingy.  

The only way people decide they don't want something is when they get it - and it isn't all that it is cracked up to be.

Please understand I am pro-reconciliation when both parties want it.  In fact, I reconciled with my husband after he confessed his affair.  But he KNEW he was wrong, begged for forgiveness, cut off all contact with the AP and committed himself to rebuilding our marriage.  And trust me - with him doing A LOT, it was still hell for two years.  The third year was better.  Now in our forth year since DD, we are happy.  But it took that long with HIM being very, very, very motivated.  

Your wife is doing NONE of that.  From the sounds of it, she left the marriage emotionally a long time ago.  

I will tell you what I would do.  This does not mean YOU should do it, because it is just my opinion - but it is an opinion born of experience and having worked with a LOT of people in your situation, so keep that in mind.

The next time she leaves your home, I would pack her bags for her.  Call a relative and make arrangements for her to stay with them for a while.  When she comes home, tell her (calmly) that you have given it great thought, and even though it is not what you want for your family, you think it is time she leaves.  That even though you had hoped to reconcile, the fact that she does not believe she has done anything wrong (having another man's child and passing it off as YOURS??????) has made that impossible.  That even though you love her, and had hoped to work on your marriage together, her attitude makes that impossible.  Tell her that you have enough self-respect and self-love to know when you aren't wanted and that you deserve more.  Then hand her bags and tell her you have made arrangements for her to stay with a relative while she figures out her future (this is non-negotiable.)  Tell her that you plan to begin divorce proceedings immediately.  

Then send her on her way to think about what she has done, and the consequences it is leading to.  Act on your word.  Go see a divorce lawyer, find out your rights, start imagining your life without her.  Let her do the same.  

I initially wanted to divorce my husband and when he had to leave to work in another state (alongside the AP) about 4 days after he confessed, I told him to go - I didn't care because in my mind we were no longer married.  He had already expressed a desire to reconcile at this point, but I was adamantly against it.  However, he was also still in limerance - I think he still wanted me AND her (not that he said it, but there was clearly still attachment).  Then he went and spent the next 10 days working with her and seeing her daily with the knowledge that soon there would not be a home with me to come back to.  She was ready to start talking about the future.  He had never wanted it to be long term and he realized he absolutely DID NOT WANT THAT.  So when I had a change of heart and was willing to consider reconciliation he jumped in with two feet.  His limerance dried up in a flash.

Please note - I did not do any of this as a ploy.  I had no interest in "winning" my husband back.  I didn't want him by my side unless that was where HE wanted to be.  But my being ready to move on without him, it made him have to look HARD at one he'd done, and what it was about to cost him. 

If it would have played out differently - say he had enjoyed the time with her and got excited about planning a new future - that would have told me everything I needed to know.  I am not someone's second best.  Neither are you. If she doesn't want you or want to give up this emotional connection with him, don't make her.  Just tell her to go ahead and go live the life she thinks is so much better - and you will start building a life without her.  She may take you up on your offer - and if she does, let her.  You could never trust her again.  But she may realize that she is living in a fantasy land and her "prince" isn't willing to give up his family for her, and come back crying.  Either way, you need to stop trying to "win" her.  

This is just my two cents.  Take it for what it is worth.  
BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child
DD May 2016

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl
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BlindCheetah
All you can do is set you boundaries and be firm. You set the terms she either complies or she doesn’t. Don’t negotiate. Read and reread everything Thrive and Keep posted until it’s fully digested then read it again. 
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Keepabuzz
Problem for me right now is to make her see her mistake;
She says that she did nothing wrong; How do I make her see the error in her judgement?

She says everyone has a different way of looking at life and I can not judge her for the connection she made with him; I struggled a lot to make them stop as he was included in all facets of our life and I could not go out without him included; they included me as part of backup plan in case some one asks why he is around her so much.

 I feel that she was in a limerence and fog over this other guy for a long time because of the fact that she got a child out of him and it was their little secret that gave rise to strong emotional connection between them; She was always saying that he is so great at so many things I was starting to think that he was her husband and I was outside looking in;

Initially she was saying that he was guiding her in the Career and family issues but it was an eye opening experience when I put VAR in our car and was able to hear for real what both of them talking about; She was saying that he is the only one who she listen and respects to in this life; another instance she said that because how he treats her each time that her love for him keeps growing.

And when I told her to stop she became defensive and said that why you did not stop me before and why stop me now; the blame always shifted to third party guys wife or  my wife friend who were all manipulating me and trying to break our relation according to her.

The thing is I am clear in what Boundaries I am OK with and what I will not allow; but biggest perk I fight is that she feels no guilt or regret over what happened; how do I make her see my pain? and reconcile?
I would say at this point, you don’t. You need to leave her to it. Focus on yourself, and making a plan to separate form her. That doesn’t mean you can’t change your mind and direction later if she pulls her head out of her a$$, but that isn’t likely. Focus on you and your healing, and a life without her.  
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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canadien2499
As of Right Now;
The Third party is out of our life; but there is a issue with him being part of our extended family, he is the Husband of my wife cousin sister;
My wife says she no longer wants to join our community events and activities because that's the only way we can avoid seeing him;
But my take is why hide; I want to be involved with my cousins and I do not want to stop going to activities because he might be there.

This whole scenario happened because I thought this was a family friend and I could trust him when we were doing fun activities and meetings together or he was helping with stuff we were doing; but my wife has different recollection; she thinks I used him for favors and ditched him when I was done with him.

Should I ever talk to this guy? He became real close friend with me before this whole scenario spill over, So I have lots of question that require answers for closure as I am curious why certain things happened if we were part of the family, what were his motivation for keeping secret and what was their end goal if they knew that I was not OK with how things were moving.

At times I have bad dreams where my mind is losing control out of fear but I have to find a way to be in control and do 180 in real life;

How would you guys approach this situation?
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GuyInPain
Now you're let us know of the additional complication that the other man is actually related to you.  So there's was actually a double betrayal – your wife's betrayal of you & the other man's betrayal of you, as well as of his wife.  When the affair partner is a miscellaneous someone out there, I counsel people not to concern themselves with that person because the betrayal is by one's spouse & that's the relationship that needs to be healed or relinquished.  But when the other person is related to you, as this affair partner is, the situation is much more complicated. 

But that complication is there only if the cheating spouse wants to let go of the adultery, focus on the betrayed spouse & on the marriage & make all the commitments necessary for healing.  As others above have noted, it seems that your wife has no interest in those commitments.  Her behavior has been outrageous & it's hard for me to understand why you continue to let yourself be trickle-truthed & guilt-tripped by her. 

I affirm Thrive's suggestion that you show her the door & begin to rebuild yourself – not as a ploy (again building on Thrive's caution there) but as a clarity-building route out of your current situation.  If your wife sees the light after awhile, then maybe you can let her back in & work on the relationship.  If not, get on with your life.  Until you have that clarity, worrying about the cousins is a distraction.
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GuyInPain
By the way, I got a zing of satisfaction when you told how you played the recording to the other man's wife – but that was a guilty pleasure.  It would have been better to have played it for your wife & see how she responded.  Here again, focus on the relationship the two of you have – or don't have – & don't get distracted by revenge scenarios.  Revenge just spreads the chaos & carnage ever wider – for years to come. 
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canadien2499
GuyInPain wrote:
By the way, I got a zing of satisfaction when you told how you played the recording to the other man's wife – but that was a guilty pleasure.  It would have been better to have played it for your wife & see how she responded.  Here again, focus on the relationship the two of you have – or don't have – & don't get distracted by revenge scenarios.  Revenge just spreads the chaos & carnage ever wider – for years to come. 



I played that VAR recording to my wife also and asked her why she never talk to me like that; She was almost chasing or pursuing him when I listen to those recordings; They were playing Pull and push game where they were almost teasing and chasing each other.

I knew about their secret meeting location as I was meeting with them before when they were using me as a backup insurance, So in the VAR recording they were scouting new area that I did not know about and the trick was to not let me know about her working hours and meet on different days; this way she can say that it got busy at work and she had to work overtime; He is working 2 KM from her work place.

I had to present those recordings in front of his family because I was afraid that I was totally gonna lose her if they activate a new hideout place and start meeting without informing me; as I already laid out a No contact rule by than and they were disobeying my request; She said that she had to go back to him and she did this to challenge and hurt me because I was talking to Marriage councilor and her friends about what was happening and she felt cornered.

She was seeing small little details and exaggerating every little things he did with her while I was becoming non factor and very selfish person according to her; What did I do wrong?

I take care of baby, clean dishes, buy groceries and take care of finances; I even help cleaning in the weekend and do other house chores; I just do not know what I could do right to make her see that I care about her; She says that she hates me for using phone while she is cooking, she says that I am not paying enough attention to her.

I only did all the activity and meetings with him because my wife like doing those things, I never said no to her request because I wanted to see her happy; would that give him right to steal her away from me?

My wife says that I have it all wrong and she can not explain until I mature to her level of understanding; and they have not done anything unappropriated that she feels guilty about; She says that he has supported her during difficult time of her life and he was her best friend and I took that away from her.
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ThrivenotSurvive
How did she get pregnant with this man's baby if she "did nothing wrong"?  Even if she used a doctor or a turkey baster to impregnate herself she was LYING TO HER HUSBAND ABOUT CARRYING ANOTHER MAN'S BABY. If she didn't use a turkey baster or a doctor, straight forward physical cheating was involved.  

Another excellent way of knowing if you "done something wrong" is whether you need to hide it from others.  If you do, 99.9% of the time - it's wrong.  She and he were colluding to hide their secret time together from you and others = wrong.  Not a lot of grey area on either of these.

I could keep going, but those two are plenty.  

Your wife is either being willfully ignorant or has the emotional intelligence of a slug.  The person who doesn't have a "high level of maturity and understanding" is her.  

However, there is literally NO WAY you will convince her of that.  The more you try to, the more she will dig in her heels.  Because to admit that is to face that she is the bad guy - and that would be too hard.  

For a moment, stop thinking about how to win her back.  I want you to sit down and think back over the last three years.  Then I want you to write out a list of why you think she is a good wife, good person and someone you want to spend the rest of your life with.  Is she kind to you?  Does she help make your life better?  Does she try to resolve difficulties in your marriage or life together as a team?  Is she a woman of her word?  Do you trust her to do the right thing in most, if not all, situations?  Does she make you feel loved, safe, respected?  Then I want you to do an honest inventory of your ENTIRE marriage with those same questions. 

One of the main reasons I gave my husband a second chance was that for the majority of our 25+ year marriage he'd been an excellent and supportive spouse.  It was only after a 10 year period of devastating personal and professional losses and almost two years where we had to live apart that he let depression, anger, resentment and selfishness lead him to make the worst choice of his life.  One that he confessed to the first time I directly asked him - and quickly took full responsibility for. 

Your wife isn't being honest with you, isn't confessing anything without you forcing her into it with proof and is generally still being a jerk.  Are you sure you haven't been settling for less than you deserve for a LONG time?  

The other man is clearly a selfish jerk - but so is your wife.  Examine your heart and make sure that there is a really good reason you want to give her a second chance.  Especially since she doesn't seem remotely grateful for it. 

And while you are thinking about all of that - consider this.  Research (and common sense) has shown REPEATEDLY that if people justify a behavior (as you wife is doing), the odds of the behavior continuing is EXTREMELY strong.  Because the ONLY reason they are stopping is because you, or society, or church - or something outside of them - is saying it is wrong.  They don't believe it is, so as soon as they can get away with it again - they will.  Your wife is actually being more honest than most about that - she is saying outright she doesn't think she is wrong.  

Do you REALLY want to spend another 30 years looking over your shoulder wondering if she is doing this with him?  or with someone new?  

Right now you are fighting for her - but she is NOT fighting for you.  She is the one who did wrong, but says you are the bad guy.  I am not saying you are perfect, you may have made mistakes or not given her the attention she hoped for - but that street usually goes both ways.  I doubt she's been a perfect spouse either (or you wouldn't be on this forum.)

You need to stop trying to win her back - it will not work.  Respect yourself.  Love yourself.  Know your worth - and it is a lot more than this.  

If you want to talk to this guy - do so.  The fact that he is part of your extended family network is horrifying.  You haven't said much about how HIS wife and your family is responding to this.  Does his wife know he fathered a child out of wedlock?  I am surprised she hasn't come out swinging against your wife.  I would have gone BALLISTIC.  

If you do talk to him just realize that 1) he's clearly not sorry because he was still plotting with her behind your back so you aren't likely to get a heartfelt apology 2) you are probably going to hear more than you bargained for.  It could be true.  It might be a big lie.  How can you trust a deceitful person?  However, he may provide you with information that you could verify with our sources and may give you a clearer picture of what your wife has been up to. Tough call.

I am so sorry you are going through this - but for the life of me, I want you to get MAD.  Because from the limited information you've provided - there is a LOT of reason to be.  And anger can be very healthy in the short-term to give us the energy and wherewithal to take decisive action to protect ourselves from those who would use us.  And frankly, from the outside looking in, that is exactly what it sounds like your wife is doing.  Using you. 

Maybe there is a lot more you've neglected to share that would put your wife in a more attractive light, but right now, I'd boot her out and start moving on without her.  IF she became TRULY remorseful, then I'd consider giving her a chance (because I do believe in grace and redemption) but until then - NO.  A hard no.    

Broken and selfish people will treat you poorly if you accept it.  Don't accept it. 

Sorry - I wish I could give you some magic thing to say or do that would make her see the light - but there isn't any.  They have to be willing to see our pain. She clearly doesn't want to.
BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child
DD May 2016

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl
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JORGE
Lots of denial on your end. Even the thread title of it being an "emotional affair" misrepresents what's really going on here. If you left yesterday, that would still be kind of late. Leaving tomorrow is ideal but only because it's the next day and can't come fast enough. You can't leave for reasons of which you will either contrive, haven't thought up of yet or literally have no friends, relatives or money.

But with I just read, I'd reach a level of desperation to leave that I would require me using the word "escaped" to properly label it. I don't mean to come across as insensitive or maliciously, but there are times when borderline insensitivity has to be said in order for someone to get a bucket of cold water dropped on them.

I understand and also respect the pain you're going through and my apologies in advance if I read or misinterpreted anything that otherwise would alter my response in this post. If not, I stand by everything written.   
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canadien2499

Hello guys;
We got married as an arranged marriage 10 Years ago; At that time We moved to another city as I graduated from University and she came from India; It was a new experience and city for both of us; I wanted her to develop herself and improve her social skills; So, she went back to college after she came here; she made friends during that time and I was OK with that as I saw her growing and becoming more confident in her self. 

So, I will highlight the negatives from my side; my wife says that I did not pay attention to her for a long time; I used to play games,  computer and phone and was not involved emotional that she would like me to be; She did not have a relative or close relation with someone to confide her self in; She felp very lonely for long years and she says that I was absent from her life.

So, then comes this third party; we are living as a joint family with my parents and brother; hence, great conflict and power struggle in house; as my parents see my wife coming late from work and making outside friends;

     My younger brothers wife is pregnant at this time two years ago and I find out that I have low sperm count; So, she is in total turmoil and depression as family is asking her to get pregnant and outside pressure is getting to her; psychologically she is breaking down;
At this time it seems my wife plans to have a baby with third party and is afraid that I would judge her; so after pregnancy confirmation she sees me so happy; hence, she did not want to hurt my feelings so they keep this information hush hush; She says that she had to do this or we would have big problems when my younger brother have a baby and we do not.

We confide our family issue with this third party and I am part of the meeting at this time as he is calming us down and guiding us for family issues; and I think this is a real good friend that I should do more activity with so over the Years I join with his family to do multiple family activities and vacations together; he has parents and two daughters and this seems like a safe family to invest our time in as he is also part of extended family; so, he understands our family dynamics and values.

During pregnancy I could not attend some weekly doctor visits; so, he called and volunteered to go with my wife, and being a family friend I did not think much of it at the time and said Yes; Now, my wife says that I took a big favor asking him to do my job; But, I told her difficulty I was having at work because I was leaving early or taking time off but she said that I simply used him and that I am selfish because of that; she said I should have quit job if they were stopping me from going with her.

According to my wife he was caring and was paying undivided attention to her and that is something I can not do for her;

To me this was just a friend that we were doing activity and fun stuff with but with each activity and favor my wife was getting more and more close to him; for my wife each favor won more attraction to her while they made it seem like tonic relationship to me;

Its just when my parents went for 6 month vacation I realized the gravity of the Emotional relation they had build between them and this all happened in front of my eyes; my wife asks me now, why I never stopped her during those time when she was building emotional connection with him and why did I take favors from him if I can not pay back.

It seems she has nobody to confide in and is afraid that I would judge her; he was there for that;

How does she make her way out of this? I want her to have friends and things she can enjoy; But how can she confide without getting emotionally involved?

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ABurris105
It sounds to me like she is blaming you for her misbehavior.  Like others here, I urge you to really see the truth and situation for what it is and take care of you right now.  That may be the only way for her to see what she has done wrong.  You, too, though need to see what she has done wrong as wrong...it seems you may be believing her justification of what she has done.  I know it is hard; you may feel selfish.  It is not being selfish; it is preserving your sanity and dignity.  It also may be the only way to open her eyes to how she has truly wronged you. She needs to confide emotionally in you.
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