TimeToFly
Just wondering how anyone else is dealing with the after effects of divorce. There are so many things that change in your life after a divorce & it's not easy dealing with all of them. I've also found that prior to my divorce family & friends were concerned with how I was doing, how I was dealing with things yet since my divorce hardly anyone asks how I'm doing anymore. It's as though they think I should be fine now that I'm divorced but that's really not the case at all. I'm hesitant to say how I'm really feeling.

Several people told me that once my divorce was finalized everything would be better but I think what they fail to realize is that it takes a long time for the "better" to happen. They are on the outside & it's easy to give opinions about things when you haven't gone through them yourself.
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Intuition77
I'm not there yet but people seem to think I should be "over" this by now too. I tell them I'll never be over it I have to go through it and it takes as long as it takes. I think people think of a more typical divorce where both parties wanted to end it and the divorce was the stressful part. That's why I think they say it will be better as soon as it's over. You have a whole different ball game that happened.

One day at a time is how I'm taking it. My husband financially ruined us by this (not spending on ow at least) just the situation he put us in so I have fears of what will happen in the divorce but I tell myself I'll figure it out.

I just posted in another thread today was rough for me because it was a yearly family outing we've never missed in 14 years. And never without all of us. And our youngests first time being old enough to enjoy it and he missed it all. And it was hard I swear I was the only single parent there
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Anna26
TimetoFly/Intuition:

Can't speak personally of course (yet) but it always amazes me how many people do as Intuition says and think you should be over it by now. Even down to the WS at times!  I understand that perhaps the WS gets a little fed up of explaining and repeating themselves, of constantly reassuring,and just might want it all to be over, but you would think that role of a support network of friends and family is different.
So I compare that to how it feels when supporting someone with depression, and it can be so tiring and draining. It's a constant neediness in them that can wear you out.  So in order to support someone with depression you kind of need the support yourself.
I'm thinking here that maybe it feels a bit similar when trying to support someone going through the affair/recovery/divorce aftermath.  Maybe they don't actually think you should be over it by now...but it's more ,I can't do this for them anymore, I can't personally cope'. So they shut off, and give you the impression they've given up on you.  And again they don't understand and they can't empathise, if they haven't been through it.  Which is why a community like this one is so good for us as we are getting both sides supporting each other.
I know I haven't really answered your question TimeToFly, I hope someone else can give you more from that view... 
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TimeToFly
Intuition77 wrote:
I'm not there yet but people seem to think I should be "over" this by now too. I tell them I'll never be over it I have to go through it and it takes as long as it takes. I think people think of a more typical divorce where both parties wanted to end it and the divorce was the stressful part. That's why I think they say it will be better as soon as it's over. You have a whole different ball game that happened. One day at a time is how I'm taking it. My husband financially ruined us by this (not spending on ow at least) just the situation he put us in so I have fears of what will happen in the divorce but I tell myself I'll figure it out. I just posted in another thread today was rough for me because it was a yearly family outing we've never missed in 14 years. And never without all of us. And our youngests first time being old enough to enjoy it and he missed it all. And it was hard I swear I was the only single parent there


Thank you for your response. I agree with you regarding the "typical divorce where both parties want it". It's totally different when you are trying to save your marriage & divorce is the last thing you want. I was forced into the divorce & that makes it completely different. I'm not sure I will ever fully get over what has happened (the affair, loss of our marriage, etc) & the choice I had to make. 

I can understand your concerns regarding finances. My ex spent a lot of money on "her"...I'll never know the full amount but I know it was awful to see what was "our money" being spent on their affair. I'm in a very tough situation financially & of course the divorce costs didn't help. I go day by day as well. 

I'm sorry regarding the family outing. It's things like this that are just so painful. I'll look for your other post & respond more there regarding this. 
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TimeToFly
Anna26 wrote:
TimetoFly/Intuition:

Can't speak personally of course (yet) but it always amazes me how many people do as Intuition says and think you should be over it by now. Even down to the WS at times!  I understand that perhaps the WS gets a little fed up of explaining and repeating themselves, of constantly reassuring,and just might want it all to be over, but you would think that role of a support network of friends and family is different.
So I compare that to how it feels when supporting someone with depression, and it can be so tiring and draining. It's a constant neediness in them that can wear you out.  So in order to support someone with depression you kind of need the support yourself.
I'm thinking here that maybe it feels a bit similar when trying to support someone going through the affair/recovery/divorce aftermath.  Maybe they don't actually think you should be over it by now...but it's more ,I can't do this for them anymore, I can't personally cope'. So they shut off, and give you the impression they've given up on you.  And again they don't understand and they can't empathise, if they haven't been through it.  Which is why a community like this one is so good for us as we are getting both sides supporting each other.
I know I haven't really answered your question TimeToFly, I hope someone else can give you more from that view... 


Just realized I never responded back to you on this...but what you said made a lot of sense. I think you're right that they really don't understand because they haven't been in this situation. They try & say things to make you feel better but I think they also get tired of hearing about what's going on. I've always tried to ask any close friends about their lives & what's going on with them before filling them in on what's happening with me. I think the hardest part is when some of my close friends have said "you just need to get over it & move on". I want to say "well it's easy for you to say that because your husband didn't have an affair" but instead I just keep my thoughts to myself. 


This community is really good because everyone can relate in some way to something that is going on & as you said get support which is what I'm sure we all need. I've come to realize over this past month how many similarities there are with so many of us & perhaps in some way it's comforting to know that others out there are going through almost the same thing. 
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Mi_alma13
I haven't written on here in a long time. The divorce is not finalized yet, because I'm the one doing all the paperwork and trying to go to school and dealing with all the mess of things. The last time I contacted my ex was about a month ago, to send me my stuff and I have yet to receive my stuff and I don't want to contact him again. I have been seeing a therapist, but this pain is too much. I did something tonight I should not have done, and that was to look at his facebook. He posted a picture of him and this girl together (not the one he cheated on me with, it's a new girl), and everyone including some mutual friends, and my ex inlaws liked his picture. It has been a year since he cheated on me, and only communicated with him briefly only on matters of financial stuff. I gave him a chance, but he was still doing shady stuff, so I felt like I had no choice and I served him papers 7 months ago. He cheated on me about 4 times online throughout our marriage and 1 time physically which was my last straw. I know I deserve better, but it doesn't take away the pain he caused me, and seeing him happy with someone else, meanwhile I'm picking up the pieces makes me really angry and upset. It also hurt that my ex inlaws never reached out to me, to say sorry or any words of sympathy and his dad used to tell me that I was like his daughter. I know eventually we have to move on, but he knows how much he hurt me, and posting that picture just put more salt in my wounds. It's not fair that he gets away with the pain he caused me, and no one knows the truth, everyone thinks I left him but they don't know why. The sad part is I still love him, and even though I know better and that he is not worth it, it still feels like a torture chamber. Everyone says it gets better or you will move on and find someone, but right now it doesn't take away the pain. It hurts that he can move on like nothing happened, and like what we had was nothing. I just don't understand it, how can someone go from being your best friend to someone you wouldn't recognize. Even if you do "fall out of love", we are humans not trash that is discarded when your done. I didn't divorce him because I wanted to, he was financially and emotionally hurting me and didn't care, I think if I would have stayed with him, I wouldn't be here today. It seriously feels like I was used, and he never really loved me. I'm just mad that after everything he has done, I still let him get to me. I just want to be stronger and not feel this pain anymore! Sometimes I worry that I won't ever be able to escape these feelings.  
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Intuition77
Hugs to you. I'm sorry your hurting so much. Our stories sound similar in that my wS also stopped seeing the whore but moved on to being shady about everything and apparently flirting starting new affairs etc. His family has barely reached out to me though I care less because they're just as screwed up as he is. Understand that other people only process the info they are given & even if they knew he cheated they are invested in believing his version and excuses justifications because they are his friends & family and I've personally seen just how twisted the stories get to where outsiders actually believe it. I've also realized the saying two sides to every story can burn you a bit when your the honest one. The way it seems to me the things my wS did we're so horrific that even when people hear half of it they assume I'm embellishing or lying and the truth is somewhere in the middle. When in reality they haven't witnessed or heard half of what he's done. If I'm telling the whole truth and he's telling absolute made up lies-people actually believing the middle still paints him better then what he is!

It's also Incomprehensible to most. Unless they've personally been there cheating and divorce triggers weird things in people. I've personally noticed wives tend to be blamed & I've realized it's a lot of fear and glass houses. If other women can blame the wife then that seems to comfort them that their own husbands would never cheat. And if other men blame the wife then that seems to comfort them that they would never stray. So it's not you but their own insecurities. Believing your true story makes them just as Vulnerable and sadly people would rather bury their heads in the sand then be vulnerable.

Not sure if you have kids involved but people assume after almost 20 years together and 2 kids no one could just suddenly drop their kids. Yet that's exactly what happened in my story. People don't want to see the ugly underbelly of people they know. It has less to do with you & more to do with them. If they faced honestly what your wS did fully it would likely mean they would have to deal with their own business-how they accept someone like that in their lives, how they excuse lying cheating etc. Birds of a feather and all. So really it's not you-it's them. More then likely his friends & family share similar traits or at least make excuses for them to be acceptable and seeing him clearly would require them to see themselves clearly. I've learned people are amazing immoral and cruel and full of excuses and justifications when it suits their own selfish purposes & denials.

As far as social media-everyone lies on there. Lol Even if he was miserable he wouldn't post that. It appears that most cheaters are more obsessed with self image they seem far more invested in others perceiving them as happy wealthy attractive etc. More inner emptiness being filled by outside things. My own personal opinion is no one can hurt betray and destroy marriages families or another person and just happily move on. Except for severe personality disorders. More likely they are someone who hides from
Reality & does not face things. It's not that you meant nothing it's that he can't handle his own reality and when his ego is challenged with facing his own reality of who he is he selfishly sacrificed your feelings for his own survival. Terrible but means nothing about you. They have probably done this all their life and it helps them Avoid responsibility. More likely he chases empty short lived happiness in order to shove down reality of who he is and what he did. True happiness can't come from that because your constantly chasing the next happy moment simply to avoid dealing with your issues. You can't enjoy that kind
Of happiness, it's more like a drug you constantly run out of. And you don't want someone like that.

Regardless of whether he's truly happy or not-his seeming or really moving on without a care shows nothing about YOU or your worth but everything about him. Yes my wS seem to discard me and the kids like trash the minute we stopped serving a purpose of being a good mirror for him. That hurt horribly. I trusted this man for half my lifetime. But I learned it meant nothing about me & everything about him. Try to see this as a gift, someone who operates like that no remorse not wanting to face his own stuff or help heal your pain is someone who could never truly love you the way you deserve. What he did was horrible and you didn't deserve it. But he gave you a great gift-he freed you to move on and live a happier fuller life and eventually find someone who CAN and WILL love you the wYs you deserve. That's how I started seeing it. Because reality was my needs we're unmet for a long time. I was just too loyal and too invested in marriage and family to leave. I grew accustomed to my needs and feelings being ignored. So really he did me a favor. I get to move on and find someone who will treat me right and care about my feelings and needs and I don't have to deal with any guilt or feel like I didn't try hard enough. His horrid actions we're actually the biggest gift he could of gave me-a free conscience and ability to move on.
If I can suggest, in the beginning I was so angry and resentful about picking up the pieces and being the one left with a mess he made. When I started changing my perspective-stopped focusing on what he did to me and started focusing on my control over my own life it got so much better. I try to see my challenges not as he did this and now i have to deal with this but instead as this is my life and in my control and I can handle this. You can handle whatever comes your way! Your stronger then you think. And a lot stronger then he is. But yes keep away from social media, it's just a fake life story anyway.
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Mi_alma13
"...The way it seems to me the things my wS did we're so horrific that even when people hear half of it they assume I'm embellishing or lying and the truth is somewhere in the middle. When in reality they haven't witnessed or heard half of what he's done. If I'm telling the whole truth and he's telling absolute made up lies-people actually believing the middle still paints him better then what he is! It's also Incomprehensible to most. Unless they've personally been there cheating and divorce triggers weird things in people.....More then likely his friends & family share similar traits or at least make excuses for them to be acceptable and seeing him clearly would require them to see themselves clearly. I've learned people are amazing immoral and cruel and full of excuses and justifications when it suits their own selfish purposes & denials. As far as social media-everyone lies on there. Lol Even if he was miserable he wouldn't post that. It appears that most cheaters are more obsessed with self image they seem far more invested in others perceiving them as happy wealthy attractive etc. More inner emptiness being filled by outside things. My own personal opinion is no one can hurt betray and destroy marriages families or another person and just happily move on. Except for severe personality disorders. More likely they are someone who hides from Reality & does not face things. It's not that you meant nothing it's that he can't handle his own reality and when his ego is challenged with facing his own reality of who he is he selfishly sacrificed your feelings for his own survival. Terrible but means nothing about you..."

Thank you so much Intuition77  for taking your time to write back! I cried when I read this, because everything you said was spot on and his family is just as dysfunctional, they put up a fake front, and so does he. I'm gonna print this out to remind me, because he was really good at lying and manipulating me for so long, that I felt like I was the crazy one. Its sad and it breaks my heart that people like that exist. I ended up blocking him so I wouldn't be tempted to see him. I did sacrifice my happiness and gave up a lot, and even belittled myself. I remember him telling me that I would probably be the only one who would ever get the closests to him, and I see what he meant now. I saw him for who he really was, and he couldn't fake it anymore with me, because I saw the truth. I was no longer believing his lies, and he couldn't fool me anymore. I hope one day he is remorseful for what he did, but your right either way, I need to focus on myself and move on. I made him my life for so long, I lost myself in the process. I just don't get how someone could be that hurtful and selfish after all the pain they have caused. Thank you so much again for your insight and sharing! I hope I can eventually get rid of this anger and hurt and move on, hearing you talk about your experience helped encourage me. I truly wish your kids and you the best, it is a shame he didn't appreciate what he had, in the end he is the one missing out.
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Intuition77
I'm so glad it helped you. Yes the affair is very much about not the AP but what they are mirroring back about the WS & for some I feel their whole lives are so faked and a show that when people truly see them & no longer mirror back anything but harsh reality they cut and run. It's no way to live happily. And I think it's very common for the BS to be the one who lost themselves in the marriage trying to hold it together.

Trust me I know how impossible it seems now but that day will come when you have entirely focused on just yourself and your life goals plans etc and suddenly realize he wasn't a blip on the radar and it's magnificent. And things really do pick up swiftly from
There. Not to say there's no bad days or days where you still think who behaves that way but they get smaller and smaller until one day it's just something we survived once and doesn't define us or our lives.
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Guiltguilt
Sometimes the family just doesn't know how to deal the fallout. How do they act? Do they continue as they were? How do grandparents have a relationship with their grandchildren? The wave generated from this deep betrayal doesn't stop.

The shame that a WS brings upon their family of origin is horrendous as well. From what I see, they're as powerless in this as a BS.

Having brought this mess into two families and seeing the wave radiate, it's just awful.
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AHmember46
Thanks for the post.  When I read your post I felt your pain.  I am experiencing the same treatment from my spouse. It helps to know that ws are all the same.  Big at avoiding the truth.  They lie lie and make themselves the only important thing in the world.  I think they become worst when the BS tell them they love them and want to work it out.  In the beginning when my husband at his boldness told me it was 60/40 split she 60.  He lied tell i forced the truth by finding the evidence on Dec 29.  A letter saying i brought you diamond earring cost $3000 on Jan 9th I will be there to spend the rest of our live together.  We had plans for new years had spent a nice year together with me trying to improve the relationship.  After confronting him he immediately the next morning left came back with boxes and moved out.  On Jan 9, 2015 he drove all the way to Atlanta 12 hours to take a married woman to her favorite restaurant to present her with diamonds.  Because  i found out he gave me his wife $3500 to ease his guilt.  Although i begged do not do this he did it anyway.  I guess this is big time fog.  He continue to lie and said he was going to Atlanta for 2 months for a job with a friend.  He retired on Jan 1, 2015.  He got to Atlanta continue to lie.  He increasingly became more distance start of talking but gradually stop because i was asking questions and he was lying.  Because i knew his email address i started reading his email and learned the real truth.  She has a business he is working with her like a Hebrew slave for far less than his worth.  Second month down there she was asking for a five carat diamond ring.  He keep denying until i presented him with the letter to his jeweler for a quote.  He has giving her which paper work state a gift from our retirement account $90000.  He promise me he would not do.  He trying to claim it is investment, but it is no paper work it on trust and he will be paid back.  I want to believe him because i cannot believe he is so stupid.  He lied until I present him with the evidence, because he do not know how i know.  Then he become defensive and say he has not touch my half of the money.  Fast forward it now been 8 months since d-day and my husband still will not tell the truth.  In May he filed for divorce.  He says he just thinking about himself.  She may have been a fantasy when he went to Atlanta but she just a friend and he down their for business.  Her divorce it still ongoing he given her all the emotional support to get through.  I lost it a few week ago and because he would not answer my calls i knew if i contacted her he would immediately call.  I text and told her she was and adulterous and I would tell everyone including all her business partners. I continue no threat until my husband called.  His call to me stop before this goes to far i care about you.  Then he start to attack me and said he would not speak to me until we meet in court on Oct 15.  We did not speak for about 2 weeks I texted him on how hate would separate us and we came to far and I would always love him no matter what.  He text back and said he agree hate would separate him from me an he felt the same forever more.  Few hours later I text something no response.  That went on for several days.  I finally sent a letter asked was i being ignored.  He responded yes we both have lawyer he did not want to communicate I will see you in court on Oct 15.  I was stung I sent a long letter his response your letter was long I will respond over the weekend have a nice day and weekend.  Since my husband has been in Atlanta I saw him one time for 2 hours at dinner.  He came home after 2 months for business we were going to spend the next day together that never happen.  When we came back from dinner I invited in our home he said no I became angry said I hate you never want to see you.  Well I gave him the ticket to run.  Next day I heard nothing from him.  Finally after many calls at 10 pm he answer the phone we emotionally talk he want come over he drives back to Atlanta and over next five months become more distant.  I told him i was coming to Atlanta he left for the weekend.  Emotionally he can see me or talk to me.  Now he cannot talk to me because i talk about the same thing and it over he made his choice.  Yet he only in Atlanta for business he has no relationship he just friend.  This person he involved with broke us up 19 years ago before we married after being together over 8 years.  That fling lasted approximately 6 months with a little back and forth.  His behavior is the same except we now have been married 19 years.  I love my husband, but I know I have to change me not for him but for me.  I did want us back because until this happen I was clueless now I am becoming accepting and ok if I have to move forward.  What I do want from my husband is to look me in the face and say the truth.  Is that asking too much?  Oh now my husband tells me he did not know I cared and if he had it to do over he would not do it, but he cannot change the past.  He says our problem were small and could have been worked on.  The only excuses for him leaving is not affectionate enough and i went to the casino.  These excuses change and come back over the 8 month period.
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Chrissie
I just wanted to thank you for what you wrote Intuition. I'm not divorced, in fact not even separated. However, it's been 3 months since D-Day and my husband is still in contact with his AP and there has been no change in him. He shows very little remorse and his eyes glaze over when ever I start talking about my pain or my needs. About a week ago I emailed him stating that no contact was a requirement of mine in order to stay in the marriage. He hasn't responded. I do want my marriage to work however I'm starting to see that it is not very likely and am now preparing myself for separation. Emails like yours really help me.
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Mchobe1
My ex told me about his affair one day and left the next. He is 43 and she us two years older than his oldest son, 24. I'm his second marriage and divorce. He was cold and distant for about a month said it was stress. I asked if he wanted to work this out. He said yes but not ready to leave his 24 year old employee AP. So I said goodbye. He was so busy with his life with her he ignored me till I texted her and told her to say goodbye to her job. He had 4 kids from his 1st marriage. None from us because I assured the kids they would never be replaced. Found out he told people he only had 2 because having 4 was embarrassing. Divorce final in Nov of 2015. He did come back a week after he left to tell me to give him 6 weeks to decide between her or me. It hurts deeply. I do have bad days and waiting for the blip so bad. I moved to another State. The kids all teenagers now still call. It's hard to hear what a different person he is. Do you ever really get over it? I pray yes.
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Freewill76
Intuition - a big thank you, I know you wrote this post above in Sept 2015 but you have given me strength for a while longer. I'm finding I'm struggle so bad lately. 6 months out and I feel I've been doing ok. Concentrating on my family and myself. Divorce has just started into affect with court days away. He can't even be bothered to come for his kids custody arraignment as he's gone overseas to Europe with his AP (who is also 20 yrs younger than him - similar to yours situation)
I got the letter from his solicitor 2 days ago I'm still stunned how someone can just dump his kids??
His family ?? Well where to begin - Abusing me and threatening me ?? You would think I had the affair.!!
The stress is unbelievable let alone dealing with the betrayal by him
I'm REALLY hoping that after the divorce things do get easier!
Fingers crossed
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