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Heidi
UrbanExplorer wrote:
The affair was a symptom of marital problems.


Yes, an affair can be a symptom of marital problems. But the CAUSE is lack of boundaries, lack of integrity and complete selfishness on the part of a WS. In any reconciliation, not only working on those causes, but visibly demonstrating to the BS that you're doing so is of huge importance.

Until a WS really 'gets' that and accepts they are not the victim, then how can they truly show they are safe to be reconciled with?
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UrbanExplorer
Heidi wrote:


Yes, an affair can be a symptom of marital problems. But the CAUSE is lack of boundaries, lack of integrity and complete selfishness on the part of a WS. In any reconciliation, not only working on those causes, but visibly demonstrating to the BS that you're doing so is of huge importance.

Until a WS really 'gets' that and accepts they are not the victim, then how can they truly show they are safe to be reconciled with?


No disagreement here. We have been in therapy for 8 months. Only a difference of opinion about a post-nup.
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Negarcia
Sandy2000 wrote:
A post nup if it's fair should be in place for both the WS and the BS. So if either party cheat, they get the lower percentage. Now if I as a BS was ready and willing to sign it and my WS wasn't, then I'd be looking to file there and then.

I think the reality is a number of WSs are just plodding along and going through the motions. It's not genuine reconciliation, it's just not divorce. Their heart isn't truly in it and the regret is more about the shame they faced/face, rather than actually feeling the pain of the BS.



This is where I am struggling. My husband continues to play the victim.
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blythespirit
As a BS, having a post nuptial agreement wouldn't mean anything to me. Asking him to sign one would feel demeaning for both of us and wouldn't make me feel any safer in the relationship. I don't want there to be any question in my mind, if my husband comes back (and he hasn't as of now), whether he is truly remorseful for his actions and truly committed to working with me to heal our family. In the same way that checking up on him creates feelings of insecurity and fear in me, the possibility in my mind that he would feel coerced into "behaving" by the implied threat of financial sanctions via a post nup would leave me with similar feelings of doubt. I don't want to rebuild on that kind of a foundation.
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Integrity1
I understand everyone's position.

It's a HUGE leap of faith. There are no safety nets. We are all taking a huge leap of faith knowing that we could possibly land flat on our faces in failure, heartache and disappointment (again).

It's love, hope and FAITH...in the other person...and in ourselves. Because we also need to be able to sustain the pain and the storm of it all. When all logic and reason points to the death of the relationship, something inside of us has a glimmer of hope in restoration. That's why it's so hard. It's not rational. It's love, hope and faith. No matter what parameters we put in place, it won't change the outcome/behavior. Yes it could protect you, if that is truly the concern.
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Alive12
Inegrity1 - I'm not sure if you are still on this forum.  I do not post often; however, it seems like your situation was very similar to mine. I'm just wondering how you are doing? How things are going with your husband.  You seem to have found a place of peace and I would like to talk to you about how you reached that place.  I am still struggling.  Sometimes I feel like I am trapped in the pain and anger.  Please feel free to private message me if you would like to discuss your progress and concerns.
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