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arizons
I feel sorry for her... she must feel like she is in a truly desperate situation to reach out to you. But I agree that I do not think there would be a way to give an unbiased opinion at all on your end... how could you? I know I certainly couldn't. My husbands ex-ap could have become more holy then mother Theresa after the affair ended... but I will always view her as the EVil Sea Hag. Because in these stories...regardless how it turns out The OW or OM are vilians in the story... true not the only villain...but a certainly one of the main ones.
Female BS, D-day 1/03/2017, 
I'm going to rebuild me like a remix,

and raise my soul like a Phoenix 
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MITM
arizons wrote:
I feel sorry for her... she must feel like she is in a truly desperate situation to reach out to you. But I agree that I do not think there would be a way to give an unbiased opinion at all on your end... how could you? I know I certainly couldn't. My husbands ex-ap could have become more holy then mother Theresa after the affair ended... but I will always view her as the EVil Sea Hag. Because in these stories...regardless how it turns out The OW or OM are vilians in the story... true not the only villain...but a certainly one of the main ones.

All of this is why I despise infidelity so much. Nobody gets out of it unscathed. Nobody. And often the ones who get hurt the most are the ones who deserved it the least.
Male BS
D-Day Jan 2018
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anthropoidape
I get the daily court lists by email and can see that the AP and his wife have a court appearance Monday morning. 

In a sense it doesn't interest me at all. However I am finding myself a bit more anxious than I expected to be about it. They will each have a lawyer and there's every chance at least one of the lawyers knows me. Will my name be mentioned? Not impossible. My wife's? Possible, maybe even likely. I don't have anything to be ashamed of anyway. But it is playing on my mind.

I don't know whether to mention it to my wife, which would let it out a bit I guess. But I don't really see any point in unsettling her. 

One thing at least; I am not at court that day. I have been worried about that possibility. 

I am also tempted to message the AP's wife just to wish her luck; pointless obviously. 
Maybe it is okay, maybe it will be okay.

BS, d-day Feb 2017, 16 mth affair.
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anthropoidape
arizons wrote:
I feel sorry for her... she must feel like she is in a truly desperate situation to reach out to you. But I agree that I do not think there would be a way to give an unbiased opinion at all on your end... how could you? I know I certainly couldn't. My husbands ex-ap could have become more holy then mother Theresa after the affair ended... but I will always view her as the EVil Sea Hag. Because in these stories...regardless how it turns out The OW or OM are vilians in the story... true not the only villain...but a certainly one of the main ones.


If he had behaved differently after d-day I think I might have a different view. If they'd gone off to be together, I might have accepted they were more right for each other. 

But when my wife told him over and over to focus on saving his family, and he disregarded that and kept trying to destroy ours, and was horrifically abusive to his wife and awful to his kids... And one of the ways he tried to destroy our marriage was to tell me things that would make me despise my wife...  Ugh. He's a horror plain and simple. 

And knowing that he is now pursuing the majority of their assets when he cannot possibly believe that's fair just disgusts me. 
Maybe it is okay, maybe it will be okay.

BS, d-day Feb 2017, 16 mth affair.
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Experiencethedevine29
I agree A, you don’t need to get involved in unnecessary angst at the will of any third parties, but I also agree that actually speaking to the woman to tell her why you can’t help is the thing to do so that there should be no need for any further involvement after that.

people are just vile to each other sometimes aren’t they?

he sounds like a proper ‘prize’....🙄


ETD🌻
Expectation is the root of all heartache.. ’Will Shakespeare
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TheFarmGirl
I understand your desire to stay out of "their" mess. It also sounds like the Ap's wife *might* be an innocent victim in the demise of their marriage, and personally I would tend to support her from her cheating husbands attempt to hurt her more by trying to take bulk custody of the children. (If you could do so in a way that wouldn't be made public). 

I have put friends of my WS in a similar position... he has been violent in our home, and threatened to kill himself, and been a (major) drug addict before we were married. I asked a few of the friends that knew about the drug addiction to speak on my behalf. They all said no. All responses were new wave bs like "I hope you can work it out/nothing is ever as bad as you think/ think of your kids etc. Anyway, the cheating just made me realize how abusive and inconsiderate my husband was, and it was painful that people would stand up for him no matter what.

So although you don't know the whole situation (or maybe you do, but hopefully not) in the reasons AP/ his wife's marriage failed... it could help her as a BS to not feel so alone if you were willing to do what you can. And I'm sure they can take anonymous/sealed testimony some how. 
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TheFarmGirl
Oh, anthrop... I just read the follow up comments and see that you are professionally involved in the courts, that must be awful to know all these peripheral problems. And I see more why you would not want to involve yourself in any way. 

Im new to the forum, but I have read many threads with your comments, and they have been so helpful in my own hardship... thank you so much for your rational insight. 
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anthropoidape
Thank you. 

I can't recall how much I ended up explaining but having had some time to think it through, I think my feeling that I should not get involved was right on. 

The bottom line is that if I had felt sure my involvement would help their kids, I'd have done it regardless of my own exposure. For sure. But my involvement could just as easily have made things worse as made them better. 

I haven't heard anything more since. I do know he had no chance of getting what he was trying for and I can probably guess pretty closely what result they will end up with. I don't think anything I did would have changed that result much anyway.

And ultimately in a strange way I wish them all the best anyhow and hope they get resolution soon. I still think of their kids fairly often. My kids mention them from time to time. 
Maybe it is okay, maybe it will be okay.

BS, d-day Feb 2017, 16 mth affair.
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tosharri
Anthro,  

Its hard when the families know each other - my two youngest, who don't know what caused their dad and I to split, still go over to the APs house to say hello...even my youngest (she's 9) invited their family to see her school play.  She told me she had done that and as it always is when I hear she's stopped by to tell them hello, I have to force myself not to react but it makes me really sad and uncomfortable.  It just doesn't seem fair to most involved
Female BS Most Recent DDay Mar 2017 (prev marriage Ddays Apr 1995, Apr 2009 and Oct 2014)...can't say I didn't try to stick it out and make it work
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anthropoidape
It's over 18 months since we have had anything to do with them whatsoever, and just the other day my son mentioned those kids. 

I imagine it happens in the other household too, and I wonder what their mother tells them. I guess she can just say that we moved away.

Lately I have come really close to checking in with her - the AP's wife - a few times. At last check in July he was trying to get full time care of the kids, 70% of their property, and ongoing maintenance from her (as she works and gets paid and he still, at least in July, doesn't.) But I know it is not a place I should let myself go to. 
Maybe it is okay, maybe it will be okay.

BS, d-day Feb 2017, 16 mth affair.
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arizons
It's over 18 months since we have had anything to do with them whatsoever, and just the other day my son mentioned those kids. 

I imagine it happens in the other household too, and I wonder what their mother tells them. I guess she can just say that we moved away.

Lately I have come really close to checking in with her - the AP's wife - a few times. At last check in July he was trying to get full time care of the kids, 70% of their property, and ongoing maintenance from her (as she works and gets paid and he still, at least in July, doesn't.) But I know it is not a place I should let myself go to. 

    I know how you feel. Just a few days ago i had to stop myself from doing an internet seach to see where my husbands old ex-ap moved. Not being i want to go there or talk to her...but because i would be thrilled when and of she ever moved! For me its more knowing that shat she is moving on with her life and feeling like i can stop looking over my shoulder expecting her to be stalking and lerking about.
    Its been a few days past a year since sje made contact....my husband and i do not talk about her anymore and  havnt for about the same anout of time....
     Yet....she still pops up in my head.....daily.....
     Not that i would ever be able to know but i wonder if i pop up in her thoughts even half as much? And will i ever be rid of thoughts of this awful person????
Female BS, D-day 1/03/2017, 
I'm going to rebuild me like a remix,

and raise my soul like a Phoenix 
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