Laxmi
Hi,
My husband says he has ended the affair and no longer chats with her in the way earlier.it was an emotional and a long distance affair. they use to chat on WhatsApp and during office hours on office chat and phone. But he refuses to stop friendship with her , as well as leaving the job. I asked him to show his cell he refuses even that and says that it is private and he cannot share.
However I can see the chatting is reduced. But he lied to me on certain points even after that and which I asked to him.

When I told him in that case I cannot continue,he says me you are not required to take that step. He says let's give it a try. He says he has as of now returned only for children's and not for me, in short he does not love me or is not sure about it.

When I asked him the details as what they talked how it ended, did they had any sexual talks he says he won't give me any details about it.

We met after almost 2 months, he did not even gave me a hug or anything. I have yet not told about all this to anyone except my sister.

I am not sure what should I do. I have told him that if he wants me back he has to end the affair and cut all contacts with her and quit the job. Now he has ended the affair only and nothing else. Should I give him more time. I already gave him 7months after I came to know about it officially.

Thanks,
Laxmi
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Fionarob
Laxmi,

I am so sorry you find yourself here and in this situation.  I am not surprised you are confused as to what you should do, for everyone who goes through this I am sure there is a huge amount of uncertainty and just not knowing what to do.  I myself struggled for years not knowing what to do or which way to go.  Sometimes I just wanted someone to take control and tell me exactly what to do........but of course nobody can do that.  In the end only you can decide what to do.

You say your husband has stated he has only come back for the children and not for you.  That must make you feel awful, as if you didn't feel bad enough already.  That is no basis on which to try and reconcile a broken marriage and win back your trust and respect.  What do you actually want? Do you love your husband?  Do you want to mend the marriage?

I do not know for sure, but I would strongly suspect your husband is still in contact with his AP if he is refusing to be open and transparent.  How can he expect to tell you that things are 'private' and for that to be OK??  How do you know his affair was long distance and only an emotional affair?  And what proof do you have that it is over?

It sounds like your husband has very little empathy for you and the pain you are suffering.  It also sounds like he is not very committed to fixing the marriage together with you.  I would advise you to read the articles on the Affair healing website - especially guarding your heart after an affair and winning back your wayward spouse.  Also think hard about how committed your husband is and if you want to do all the repair work by yourself.  I made that mistake and attempted to repair our marriage for nearly 3 years, whilst my husband pretended to want the same, but all the time continued his affair too.  He believed he could have both for as long as it suited him.  It damaged our marriage beyond repair in the end. It also took it's toll on me. We are now separated and I am finally getting back to being the person I remember before all of this happened.
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UrbanExplorer
I have mentioned before that it took me almost 6 months of tapering contact with my AP after D-day to finally and firmly move to zero contact. Even though I told myself the affair was over and I was only in contact as a friend (and my husband knew about the contact), it still interfered with reconciliation. I felt ashamed and secretive on some level, which made me want distance from my husband. There needs to be a choice to move forward without the AP involved in any way.
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Kalmarjan
If your husband is not open, and making you feel comfortable with him... He has issues with contact. Even if he didn't have issues, I've said it before. It's like playing with matches while standing in gasoline. Something's going to happen, and it won't be good.

I tried the whole "friends" thing too. Honestly, if I wasn't hung up on the social attachment, her blatant manipulation to try to get me back (but I wasn't stupid, I knew she was trying to "win" so she could discard me.) The last time she threatened me to tell my wife about everything, I literally hung up the phone, walked to my wife, and told her everything. Every freaking detail, left nothing out.

Then I completely severed ties with my AP. The last time she tried to contact me, it was a very manipulative conversation. I cut it short, she tried to get in a jab that I still wanted her, and I responded with no, I could care less about you.

That was when I was DONE. That woman, and the way I handled that situation is the stupidest thing I've ever been involved in. It should have never happened. I'm so lucky that I have another chance. I work hard to maintain trust.

If your husband isn't in that frame of mind, then if he is "friends" with her, he is in danger of reigniting things. He isn't open with you enough to deflect the threat of her in the picture, and that's because he still has an issue about her.
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Keepabuzz
When a person cheats on their spouse/SO, it is the most hurtful and disrespectful thing you can do to them. It literally destroys them as a person, destroys who they are, who they thought they were. It destroys the entire world for them. The question everything, their very existence. For some they can heal, some can not. But none are ever the same again.

Then for that WS to have the audacity to say, "no, I'm not going to stop talking to my AP, because (insert completely cruel and selfish reason). I'm not going to be transparent, allow you access my phone, email, social media accounts that I used to betray you in every way possible or make sure you know where I'm at all times because that is an invasion of my privacy, etc, blah blah." That is complete horses***, period. That is a clear message that they have no intention of being honest with you. If my wife had not agreed to no contact, and every single boundary/rule on D-day, she along with all of her belongings would have been in the street.

Since this terrible injury can't be seen with the eyes, look at it this way. A WS brings this OP into the marital home everyday and they both verbally degrade, and physically assault the BS everyday for months upon months, or years upon years. The BS says enough! Then the WS says ok, we won't do that anymore, but we are both going to still come here and hangout everyday, but I promise we won't do "that" again. It's crazy talk.

I'm my opinion, 100% NC, 100% transparency are non negotiable. You either do it or get out. I get that the WS carry much shame, as they should. So if that shame is to heavy burden to be truly there for your BS in the beginning after D-day, maybe I can get some of that but, I would accept no more disrespect. Like all things, just my 2 cents, everyone has to Mae their own decisions.
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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UrbanExplorer
There's nothing fair about the situation for the BS and family. I think the stories some WS have shared in here show that the psychology of an affair makes the path forward very unclear for both BS and WS. I don't think any WS has held up their story and said, "Look how great it is that I hurt my BS and then wasn't ready to support him/her!" Sure, either partner can pull the plug on the marriage permanently on D-day, but my position is that D-day is actually not the best time for either partner to make a final decision. Some avoidable divorces would happen to couples who might have ended up happy again in months or years.
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Sandy2000
There comes a time you need to stand your ground and not accept such behaviour which really amounts to abuse.

Why are you with him when he has made his position clear? He's there for the kids only.

You have options.

1) file for divorce
2) agree that you're together for the kids only
and you can both have other partners discreetly
3) continue being emotionally and mentally abused
by your husband, who effectively refuses to
end his affair.

The choice is yours. He can only treat you how you allow him to.

Read up on the 180 and prepare for a life without him. I also don't see why you are keeping his dirty secret when you clearly need all the support you can get.
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Keepabuzz
Abuse is absolutely correct. That is exactly what it is.

I don't WS's ever really "get it". Now, that's not an attack on anyone. I just don't think it's possible. I don't think it's possible to know, unless you have lived it. I think that is why I have never seen any posts from any WS's talking about how they abused their BS, and in some cases their children. But in EVERY case the BS has 100% been abused by the WS in many ways.

I wish I had been able to leave after D-day (I did for 2 days), take some time for myself, but I couldn't. I couldn't because of my children. I have always been their rock, their anchor. So when I left my children were freaked out (they didn't and don't know what she did), they knew my wife had done something , they were worried about me, worried we were going to get a divorce and they would be forced to live with her. I also needed to have my wife in my sight, so that I knew she was not continuing to abuse me. If I had been able to leave for a while with my kids, I don't know,if I would have come back. I'm glad we are still together today, but it still hurts everyday.
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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UrbanExplorer
I don't think a WS or a BS can truly walk in the other's shoes.
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Heidi
I don't think either can know everything the other feels, but I can definitely empathise, and 18 months later, he's learned to empathise too. Though I hate what he did, I still feel compassion when my husband beats himself up, worries about the effects on our kids, and feels sick at the pain he's put me through. That's when mutual empathy can help us both to move on, to accept what's happened and try to forge something new together.

When he says he will never hurt me like this again, I believe him. And when I tell him I want to build a new future with him, he believes me. Sometimes that's the best we can do.
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Laxmi
2 days before I managed to get my husband's cell and get his chat of 4 days. I could see that the affair has ended but one day he was drunk and he was chatting with her saying I miss you and I love you etc. I simply confronted him that day and told me enough is enough and I am done.

That day he genuinely tried to work with me and make me understand that his affair is over. He apologized to me twice on the same day. He heard me out without getting angry and accepted whatever he did for the last one year was wrong and unfortunately he cannot undo things but he is working on getting things together and he wants to work on the marriage.when asked only for kids he said he will try his best for me too. Yesterday we got emotional and when I asked him if he doesn't want me he said he wants. We came close together after almost a year. After that also we went to. Common friend and things were good. I made a little distance by talking v less ,he noticed it and came to me and asked me what happened now.

However they still continue to be friends and are talking. He has promised me he won't talk like the way he was talking to her earlier. Yesterday she asked him to call as she had some urgent work. My husband told me that and said I am coming in 5 mins as she has some urgent. I was happy that he told me and went not sure if I should be happy. In the night when asked what was the urgent thing. he said nothing, I said that it's wrong, she should not do that way then. He said she has some personal issues and wanted to talk on that.

Its like now he is talking to her and he still has his phone as secret. Day before yesterday I told him if he wants me he has to stop contacts and change his job. I don't know how strict I should be in this situation. Should I show him affection and be close to him he is trying or be strict till everything is stopped.

Thanks,
Laxmi
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Keepabuzz
No one can make that decision for you. But in my opinion, there can be no forward movement while there is still contact of ANY kind. No Contact rule is a must, and should be non-negotiable. There should be 100% transparency at all times with everything. If there is nothing to hide, then why not allow full transparency? You need to make it clear, that having you both is NOT an option, and once the infidelity line has been crossed, there can be NO relationship with the AP in any way, shape, or form. That person needs to be completely removed, and out of the picture. If my wife had not agreed to the NC rule, among others, she would have not been living in our home. I'm not saying there wouldn't have been a way back for her, but she would not continue to disrespect me to face, and I just take it.

I always like to play devil's advocate. What if you had had the affair, and slept with some guy for months or years, told thousands upon thousands of lies. Do you think for one millisecond he would be ok with you still chatting him up, hiding your phone? No way.

I really don't get how some WS's can look their BS in eye and say, "yeah, I did all these terrible things, but I'm not sure what I want. So for the foreseeable future I want to continue to stay in the marital home. I want you to not act angry, or sad, or lash out at me. Just swallow your pain, and let me do what I want to do. It's mind boggling to me. I would bet you a paycheck, NONE of them would put up with that from their WS for a second. Like the ultimate hyppocrite

Like all my posts, just my 2 cents. I hate that you are going through this.
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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Heidi
Laxmi, it sounds as though your husband is still in the fog. He wants to be with you, but also wants to get his ego fed by her. And at the moment he's getting the best of both worlds.

One of the hardest things ly WH had to do was come to terms with the fact that he had (temporarily) messed his career up by risking it with an affair. At first, like your husband, he resisted making the changes I needed to feel safe. But I stood firm, gave him reasonable deadlines (one of my conditions was he had to change jobs), and explained the consequences if he didn't stick to them.

So to me the question is what do you want? Are you willing to put up with this ongoing contact? At what point would you feel strong enough to show him boundaries and consequences? Only do this when you feel ready (because you have to mean them) but do it for you. You are worth so much more than the way he's treating you.
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Hurting13
Heidi wrote:
I don't think either can know everything the other feels, but I can definitely empathise, and 18 months later, he's learned to empathise too. Though I hate what he did, I still feel compassion when my husband beats himself up, worries about the effects on our kids, and feels sick at the pain he's put me through. That's when mutual empathy can help us both to move on, to accept what's happened and try to forge something new together.

When he says he will never hurt me like this again, I believe him. And when I tell him I want to build a new future with him, he believes me. Sometimes that's the best we can do.


Heidi,
This is so so powerful and very true. I couldn't agree more.

Thanks.
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UrbanExplorer
Laxmi wrote:
2 days before I managed to get my husband's cell and get his chat of 4 days. I could see that the affair has ended but one day he was drunk and he was chatting with her saying I miss you and I love you etc. I simply confronted him that day and told me enough is enough and I am done.

That day he genuinely tried to work with me and make me understand that his affair is over. He apologized to me twice on the same day. He heard me out without getting angry and accepted whatever he did for the last one year was wrong and unfortunately he cannot undo things but he is working on getting things together and he wants to work on the marriage.when asked only for kids he said he will try his best for me too. Yesterday we got emotional and when I asked him if he doesn't want me he said he wants. We came close together after almost a year. After that also we went to. Common friend and things were good. I made a little distance by talking v less ,he noticed it and came to me and asked me what happened now.

However they still continue to be friends and are talking. He has promised me he won't talk like the way he was talking to her earlier. Yesterday she asked him to call as she had some urgent work. My husband told me that and said I am coming in 5 mins as she has some urgent. I was happy that he told me and went not sure if I should be happy. In the night when asked what was the urgent thing. he said nothing, I said that it's wrong, she should not do that way then. He said she has some personal issues and wanted to talk on that.

Its like now he is talking to her and he still has his phone as secret. Day before yesterday I told him if he wants me he has to stop contacts and change his job. I don't know how strict I should be in this situation. Should I show him affection and be close to him he is trying or be strict till everything is stopped.

Thanks,
Laxmi


He has to let AP go and deal with her stuff as an adult on her own. I had the same trouble letting AP live with his own giant mess after our affair ended, because I really did worry about him as a human being and because I have more resources than he does and he was relying on my emotional support. However, ANY contact is a tie to the pain and shame of it all and prevents clarity in your marriage.
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