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Urban, me as a BS don't have to feel sorry for you or other WS's. But I can have empathy for you and your situation. I see how my husband was manipulated and he feels like a complete idiot. I think at least one or both kinda have to be a manipulator to even start an affair. This is no excuse for the betrayal, only seeing almost a year out how easily it is for smart people to fall prey to good manipulation. I want to add Urban your growth as been amazing these last few months. Strange how time can help us to see things for what they really are. Even though this has been the worst year of my life I don't think I've ever learned so much about myself or husband and what true friends really are. I guess I've come a long way too. It feels amazingly normal. #lovewins
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Urban, I am floored by the extent and the intensity of your AP's attempts to manipulate you back into the affair. Particularly the implication that suicide would somehow validate the reality and importance of your "love". In light of that, I can't understand at all why you would still have any interest in protecting him. And I'm not sure how withholding any of it from your husband at this point helps either of you. It would seem to me that your husband would want to know the full extent of the AP's activity in order to help protect you from him.

And I would hope that my husband's AP is not behaving in any way remotely similar to what you describe. My husband has expressed very strong feelings about wanting to "protect" me, and looks at me sometimes with what I can only describe as an expression of intense pain and sadness. I've always interpreted that as him just feeling bad that he is so conflicted between loyalty and obligation to me and the kids and his "true love" for her. Perhaps that's not it all it, I don't know. He's frequently accused me of making "assumptions" about his feelings, his relationship with her, etc. I want to protect myself from being hurt and made a fool of again and so I have always assumed the worst.

In any case, I'm so sorry for what your AP has done to you in retaliation. You seem to be very brave and if it makes you feel any better, your words have helped me in a lot of ways and so they were worth writing, although I know it must be hard.
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Urban, I am so sorry you were manipulated like that. My husband was also manipulated by his AP. He says that he is also susceptible to guilty manipulation.

I do find your perspective beneficial mostly because I suspect you have a level of introspection that other APs don't have. It's easy to blame an AP for an affair but the fact of the matter is that there are several dynamics that go into why someone cheats. I had a role in contributing to the circumstances of my husband's affair.

I don't think any of us should sit in judgement of each other.
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I think I still have the urge to protect my former AP because he has a terrible backstory of physical and sexual abuse, parental divorce with loss of his father, poverty, suicide of his brother, etc. and because my husband is so much bigger than him (not that I think my husband would punch him in the face). All along, I asked my husband not to confront him. My husband did steer me in a different direction at a July 4th parade because he saw AP across the street and I didn't.

I am sure the baggage of his past is behind his manipulative nature, but I learned I could not help him there.
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A little update.

i have started the 180. And he's been living in the basement as of thursday.

Went out with friends mini putting,  and came back slightly tipsy but very pleasant and happy.

Shocking he was still up waiting on the sofa.

Told him today I will be cleaning out closets, etc, and that he can take his stuff down to his room.

We are being amicable. I don't initiate conversation.

I truly hope I can keep the 180 going, It's so difficult.

Has anyone successfully implemented this ? I'd love suggestions and what I should see over time.

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The 180 to me is about keeping my focus on me, and only on what I can control. What I cannot control is the outcome. I had to let go of the illusion that I can do or say anything to change my WS's mind about what he believes he knows about me, about our relationship, about the affair or about his AP. Because I can't talk or otherwise coerce him into understanding how destructive the affair and his continuing relationship with the AP is to him, I don't try to force those conversations anymore. The result is that I'm calmer and I'm actually happier than I was for a long time prior to dday, because I'm focusing on me, for real. I feel that the happier and calmer I am, the more he takes baby steps back towards me. Every time I rage at him or "throw daggers" about the affair at him (that's what he calls it), he retreats away from me. Not what I want to encourage.

I think you're doing the right thing in creating situations for yourself where you can find happiness unrelated to him. I know it's hard to do as sometimes the pain and hurt feels overwhelming. But I can see in my husband's eyes that it brings him some measure of happiness and peace to see me doing things that I get excited and energized about. Anything good for me that creates a corresponding good feeling for him, to me, is a win-win!
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