wolfgrrl Show full post »
wolfgrrl
It was definitely a different life for him. New and exciting, I am sure. I've realized now that for years he had been building this life apart from me and the girls. Not on purpose. But he is involved in a hobby that takes a lot of his time and he has a whole set of friends in that world that I barely know because I am home taking care of the kids. I always prided myself on giving him his freedom to pursue this hobby he loves and thought that would make him happy. Instead, it appears he took advantage of the freedom, lost track of me and us, and found another life that was more fun that his boring home life. I've always believed married couples should have their own friends and interests. I used to do this hobby with him, but once we had kids I had to stay home. And he chose that world because it was exciting. And I was so distanced from it, he could have this secret life. And her.
Quote 0 0
Guiltguilt
blythespirit wrote:


Guilt -- when you say impossible to get out of, do you mean it felt impossible to get out of the affair or impossible to leave your marriage and be with your AP?  I recall my WS saying on dday that he just wished he could get in a rocket and shoot himself off into outer space.  He was clearly overwhelmed and despondent about his situation, but to this day I'm not sure what he wanted to get away from.  Me? or Her?  or Both?  I remember feeling so angry that the tears he was shedding were for himself.  Like I was supposed to feel bad for HIM and the stupid crazy situation he'd created!


Impossible to reverse the affair.

I'd made my choice months before, choosing my wife and family. I had not had any communication with AP for months before. I was lucky enough to have seen how much of a pig I had been, through no virtue of my own, though.

My tears were for my wife and my poor innocent daughter, as well as myself. What a fool I'd been. Why hadn't we been able to sort this out years ago, before it came to this?
Quote 0 0
wolfgrrl
I would love to hear my husband say something to that end, that he has been a fool and made terrible choices, it would mean the world to me right now. I am learning from this forum that it is unlikely to happen anytime soon though. I never imagined how much time would have to pass before we could talk it out. The waiting is the hardest part. My husband keeps saying he doesn't know what he wants, who he is. And I just want to know if he even wants to try or if he just wants to go start a new life, with or without the OW. I guess that is what he is trying to work through in therapy. It is hard waiting and not knowing what his feelings are for me anymore. But, I guess the fact that he is home and has come back home after leaving a number of times must say something. I try to focus on the small positives, but it is hard when there has been so much negative thrown at me in the past few months.
Quote 0 0
Negarcia
wolfgrrl wrote:
I would love to hear my husband say something to that end, that he has been a fool and made terrible choices, it would mean the world to me right now. I am learning from this forum that it is unlikely to happen anytime soon though. I never imagined how much time would have to pass before we could talk it out. The waiting is the hardest part. My husband keeps saying he doesn't know what he wants, who he is. And I just want to know if he even wants to try or if he just wants to go start a new life, with or without the OW. I guess that is what he is trying to work through in therapy. It is hard waiting and not knowing what his feelings are for me anymore. But, I guess the fact that he is home and has come back home after leaving a number of times must say something. I try to focus on the small positives, but it is hard when there has been so much negative thrown at me in the past few months.


Wolfgrrl

I found that me focusing on me and forgetting about my husband has made a difference in the way he acts towards me. I have shown him I done need him and he can choose her. My husband doesn't say anything but I know he is not himself or doesn't know where to turn but he refuses therapy for himself. At least ur husband is doing it.
Quote 0 0
wolfgrrl
Negarcia

I'm trying to focus more on me right now, but I think things are so new and raw, it is hard. I am glad my husband is in therapy, it is something. But right now, my husband wants me to kick him out. He wants me to move on and feels I would be better off without him. I even told him at one point that I know this would be easier on him if I would just tell him I hate him. But I don't hate him right now. A part of me does, but a part of me still loves him. And I told him I am not ready to make a major decision like that right now. But if he is, then he should tell me. I really think he wants me to make the decision for him so he doesn't have to. And I will be damned if I will make the hard decision just to make it easier on him. I'll make it if I reach a point where I am ready. But I'm not going to do it right now just to ease his conscious and give him the easy out. I feel he needs to work through this confusion he has, for his own good and so he can be a good father. And if I make the decision for him, then he can just walk away and say "well, it is what she wanted. There was nothing I could do." So part of my reason for not giving him the out he wants is to make him finally own up to a decision. He wouldn't decide between her and me during the affair. And he says the decision is no longer about me or her, but it is about staying married or trying to start over. And I'm not going to make that decision for him. Not unless I reach a point where I can't go on with the limbo anymore.
Quote 0 0
blythespirit
I am right there with you. I don't look at myself as being in limbo anymore, though. I feel like each day presents a new opportunity for positive interactions with my WS, each of which I feel brings him tiny little baby steps back towards me. And me back towards him. I've learned not to try to put labels on where we are. Trying to discern what the outcome will be only makes me crazy, and I don't need any more of that in my life!
Quote 0 0
wolfgrrl
That's a very good way to look at it. I've been struggling over the last couple weeks because my husband has had a few episodes where he leaves for a day or two, claims it is forever, and then shows back up, apologizing and feeling bad. And during the most recent walk out, I had a revelation that I needed to stop focusing on the leaving and focus on the small positives. Yes, he leaves. But every time he leaves, he keeps in contact with our kids, he comes back to help out with watching them for dance class and all the other things where it would be really hard for me to do alone. And he always comes home, usually pretty quickly. He will text me when he is gone with feelings of regret. So I realized when I was stressed and sad and angry that he walked away, I need to look at the positives. He comes back, he's maintaining his Daddy responsibilities, he's talking to me and not shutting me out completely. So thank you blythespirit, your response made me realize I need to look at the entire situation that way. Try to focus on our little wins rather than just looking at the difficult road we still have in front of us.
Quote 0 0
Negarcia
wolfgrrl wrote:
Negarcia

I'm trying to focus more on me right now, but I think things are so new and raw, it is hard. I am glad my husband is in therapy, it is something. But right now, my husband wants me to kick him out. He wants me to move on and feels I would be better off without him. I even told him at one point that I know this would be easier on him if I would just tell him I hate him. But I don't hate him right now. A part of me does, but a part of me still loves him. And I told him I am not ready to make a major decision like that right now. But if he is, then he should tell me. I really think he wants me to make the decision for him so he doesn't have to. And I will be damned if I will make the hard decision just to make it easier on him. I'll make it if I reach a point where I am ready. But I'm not going to do it right now just to ease his conscious and give him the easy out. I feel he needs to work through this confusion he has, for his own good and so he can be a good father. And if I make the decision for him, then he can just walk away and say "well, it is what she wanted. There was nothing I could do." So part of my reason for not giving him the out he wants is to make him finally own up to a decision. He wouldn't decide between her and me during the affair. And he says the decision is no longer about me or her, but it is about staying married or trying to start over. And I'm not going to make that decision for him. Not unless I reach a point where I can't go on with the limbo anymore.


Your story is just like mine. Except my H won't go to counseling. They always want the easy way out.
Quote 0 0
Guiltguilt
The last sentence is a generalisation and simply not true.
Quote 0 0
Negarcia
Guiltguilt wrote:
The last sentence is a generalisation and simply not true.


Are you speaking of the easy way out? I am.meaning in the sense that my husband would rather me make those choices for him so he can say that I wanted the divorce, that I kicked him out and I'm the one that didn't really want to work on anything. Maybe it's part of the fog and confusion but at this moment when he tells me why don't I just kick him out or why do I love him if he's not worth it or why can't I just file for divorce it seems to me he wants me to do all the work to make it easy for him. But I'm sure it's different for everyone once the fog starts lifting
Quote 0 0
Guiltguilt
I've stayed around when others would have gone, I've faced up to my responsibilities, I've put myself in awful situations with friends and relatives, I helped my wife move out of home. I hated every second of it, but no healing was happening here. Easy way out? I think not.
The easy way out was the affair, rather than sorting this out, yes. In the aftermath, not everybody takes the easy way out.
Quote 0 0
wareagle
I have stayed around much longer than most would have.  All of my friends are telling me to move on, she is an anchor around my neck, I'm grasping at straws. I don't feel like that.  I am standing for my marriage and I believe that God will bring her back at some point.  The question is will I be able to be still and let God work and how long will it be.  My daughter told me that my wife is still saying that I scared her.  I laid my pistol on the bed and told her this is what I have thought about doing to myself.  Somehow she turned that around on me and said I threatened her.  I would never..... EVER do that.  I got mad one night and threw her car keys.  The keys did come near her but I immediately told her I was not throwing them at you.  If she was so scared why did after these incidences why did she sleep in the same bed as me for the next 4 months.  There were times when we were arguing..... not really yelling just not talking nice to each other.  She would be laying down in the bed and I would be standing at the foot of the bed. She said I was trying to intimidate her. When she said that I would lay down in the bed beside her to show how intimidating can I be laying beside you.  That is not was I was doing.  I was just trying to get answers.  It's a different excuse for why she left me and her 18 year old daughter everytime she sees us.  I believe it is shame and depression over what she has done and trying to deflect the blame to me.
Quote 0 0
Negarcia
Guiltguilt wrote:
I've stayed around when others would have gone, I've faced up to my responsibilities, I've put myself in awful situations with friends and relatives, I helped my wife move out of home. I hated every second of it, but no healing was happening here. Easy way out? I think not.
The easy way out was the affair, rather than sorting this out, yes. In the aftermath, not everybody takes the easy way out.


I commend you for it all. I think you have realized all the wrong you did and stuck around to fix it. I think that is awesome. Yes you are right the affair and anger are the easy way out!
Quote 0 0