Affairadvice6
Hi,

I wanted some advice on next steps. My wife cheated on me technically twice in the last 7 months. I caught her the first time and then she said she ended it but wanted to keep talking to the other guy. I found out the second time about 8 weeks ago and confronted her - she denied it at first but when I threatened to leave she admitted she continued the affair. The next day she says she ended it with him which I believe to be true. I contemplated separation at that time which she says she did not want and spent a few days out of the house to be on my own. I eventually decided to try to work things out with her. We have been married for 8 years but together for 16.
During that 2nd admission 8 weeks ago she admitted some things to me but I have not gotten full details. I've started to ask for more information to continue the healing process and know some details she is unaware that I do know positively. There have been a couple minor details she has denied that I know to be true as well as her not admitting that she spoke in great detail of our relationship with the other person.
I know that it is common for the person that has the affair to leave out details or not want to reveal them.

Knowing what I know as I start to ask her for more details I'm not sure what to do if she continues to deny it. I would obviously not be able to fully regain trust with her.
I do not feel bad about how I came across the information as it is my way of knowing the full truth. Not sure if that is wrong or not. She has not been willing to allow me access to her things. That is how I initially found out about the affair - on her phone.

Our relationship is getting better generally and I had some ways to go to show her what I was made of. I was not very emotionally available prior to the affair and it has unleashed a tidal wave that I am struggling to keep up with. I like it though as I feel like I can truly connect now and she has said the same.
Part of her rationale on why she kept going with the affair was that she thought I was going to revert back to my old ways. I obviously have not and have surprised her in some ways. I know that things got pretty close between them and she said she loved him. She has said she thinks that was just part of the rush she experienced and doesn't think she was really in love. I don't know what to believe exactly on that.

The bigger issue is that she works with him some of the time and they can travel to the same city for work. They will be traveling again in a few weeks. It will be with a large group but I know that is how it started and has been how they have gotten together in the past.
She has said she has not seen him and their only conversations have been brief and about work. However, I did find out they had a conversation last week that was about more than work. It was not sexual or affair related but she did not admit it to me the last time I asked about her contact with him.

She has said she has not had closure with their relationship. I have made it clear a few times that there is no way there is any future with us if there is any future with him.

I'm at a point where I want her to start revealing things to me when we start to talk about the affair so we can start to move past it.
I also want to issue an ultimatum regarding the closure of her affair but don't know exactly how to go about it. One issue is she will continue to see him at work but I think I can live with that as long as she is forthcoming and says it is definitively over, that she has closure.
If I ask her point blank about certain details that I know and she denies it, what should I do?
I feel somewhat advantaged versus other stories I've read as I know some of the truth. However, living with that is not easy either.

She is supposed to start to go to counseling soon on her own and then we would likely start marriage counseling in the near future as well. She has said she has struggled with depression in the past and our marriage was one source of that. I've been seeing my own counselor since January.

Any advice or opinions on how I can go about this are welcomed.
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Anna26
Affairadvice6 wrote:
Hi, I wanted some advice on next steps. My wife cheated on me technically twice in the last 7 months. I caught her the first time and then she said she ended it but wanted to keep talking to the other guy. I found out the second time about 8 weeks ago and confronted her - she denied it at first but when I threatened to leave she admitted she continued the affair. The next day she says she ended it with him which I believe to be true. I contemplated separation at that time which she says she did not want and spent a few days out of the house to be on my own. I eventually decided to try to work things out with her. We have been married for 8 years but together for 16. During that 2nd admission 8 weeks ago she admitted some things to me but I have not gotten full details. I've started to ask for more information to continue the healing process and know some details she is unaware that I do know positively. There have been a couple minor details she has denied that I know to be true as well as her not admitting that she spoke in great detail of our relationship with the other person. I know that it is common for the person that has the affair to leave out details or not want to reveal them. Knowing what I know as I start to ask her for more details I'm not sure what to do if she continues to deny it. I would obviously not be able to fully regain trust with her. I do not feel bad about how I came across the information as it is my way of knowing the full truth. Not sure if that is wrong or not. She has not been willing to allow me access to her things. That is how I initially found out about the affair - on her phone. Our relationship is getting better generally and I had some ways to go to show her what I was made of. I was not very emotionally available prior to the affair and it has unleashed a tidal wave that I am struggling to keep up with. I like it though as I feel like I can truly connect now and she has said the same. Part of her rationale on why she kept going with the affair was that she thought I was going to revert back to my old ways. I obviously have not and have surprised her in some ways. I know that things got pretty close between them and she said she loved him. She has said she thinks that was just part of the rush she experienced and doesn't think she was really in love. I don't know what to believe exactly on that. The bigger issue is that she works with him some of the time and they can travel to the same city for work. They will be traveling again in a few weeks. It will be with a large group but I know that is how it started and has been how they have gotten together in the past. She has said she has not seen him and their only conversations have been brief and about work. However, I did find out they had a conversation last week that was about more than work. It was not sexual or affair related but she did not admit it to me the last time I asked about her contact with him. She has said she has not had closure with their relationship. I have made it clear a few times that there is no way there is any future with us if there is any future with him. I'm at a point where I want her to start revealing things to me when we start to talk about the affair so we can start to move past it. I also want to issue an ultimatum regarding the closure of her affair but don't know exactly how to go about it. One issue is she will continue to see him at work but I think I can live with that as long as she is forthcoming and says it is definitively over, that she has closure. If I ask her point blank about certain details that I know and she denies it, what should I do? I feel somewhat advantaged versus other stories I've read as I know some of the truth. However, living with that is not easy either. She is supposed to start to go to counseling soon on her own and then we would likely start marriage counseling in the near future as well. She has said she has struggled with depression in the past and our marriage was one source of that. I've been seeing my own counselor since January. Any advice or opinions on how I can go about this are welcomed.


Hi Affairadvice6,

I've just realised that no-one has responded to you as yet so I will do my best to help.

First of all, your wife will never be able to come to any decision about where her future with you may lie, all the time she is contact of any kind with the AP.  I know this is an especially difficult problem to deal with as she works with him and I know first hand how that feels. 
But each contact with an AP feeds the feeling of wanting to be with them, and every time she is in contact with him, it will make you feel uncomfortable and unsure.
I'm sure you already know this because you mentioned that you wouldn't consider a future with her if she was still in touch with him
That's great, it really is a good thing to set a boundary and stick to it.

You are right, it is a typical action to withhold information, maybe from a misguided belief that they are protecting you from more pain, but really, it doesn't because every further disclosure can set you back in recovery again.  Much better to get it out in the open and be honest, but as you've discovered, in more cases, it happens the other way.

If your wife is genuine about wanting to reconcile with you, you will more likely see this through her actions rather than what she is saying.  It will be in the willingness to share private information with you, and how open she is being.
I think that what she said about not feeling that she was in love with him and it just being a part of the rush is a very positive statement to make.  Most of the time the WS is in a complete fog, not really knowing who they want, or what to do, and until they start to realise for themselves that most of those feelings stem from the affair fantasy, it may be a bit pointless trying to work on anything.
I would maybe tell her of your misgivings about them traveling together, she should be able to understand this if she is truly trying to reconcile.

And I wouldn't worry too much about how you got your information, I think many of us have turned detective at some point or other, it's so frustrating to have a feeling about something but no proof.

Above all, remember that you can't control  her choices, and you need her to choose to be with you, and to end the affair completely, entirely of her own volition. Because she chooses YOU. That doesn't mean that you can't explain how the situation makes you feel or what you would want.  Simply that we can only control our own choices and decisions. And you can set your boundaries if that is what you need to feel comfortable and safe.

I hope this helps a bit and hasn't confused things for you.  Now I've got the ball rolling maybe there will be a couple more posts forthcoming...
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Affairadvice6
Thank you so much for the advice. Exactly the sort of thing I was looking for.

A few other thoughts / questions:

- I feel somewhat hamstrung in my options with her contact with him since they work together. I cannot demand she quit her job or anything like that and a different position is not an option. This was her decision to get involved with someone she works with and will probably be one of the hardest parts of this for me to get through. I'm really struggling with how this can play out well.
Other than confronting the dirtbag I'm not sure what else to do. I want to demand she contact him again and tell him more clearly she is done, working on her marriage and is done with him.
- She has been fairly open with me in that when she had her triggers with him she would call him. She has said she has felt the triggers a couple times but has decided to call me instead.
- she has agreed to attend marriage counseling with me which I plan to get set up soon.
- Penalties. A lot of the other posts mention that the WS needs to understand the penalties associated with the affair including divorce as a possibility. Another penalty for her is that her family would not receive the news of divorce lightly and honestly would not know how to deal with it. I can't throw that in her face but would think she knows what sort of situation that would put her in.

Any other suggested questions I can ask her to keep the information flowing between us is appreciated.


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Kalmarjan
Affairadvice6 wrote:

- I feel somewhat hamstrung in my options with her contact with him since they work together. I cannot demand she quit her job or anything like that and a different position is not an option. This was her decision to get involved with someone she works with and will probably be one of the hardest parts of this for me to get through. I'm really struggling with how this can play out well.
Other than confronting the dirtbag I'm not sure what else to do. I want to demand she contact him again and tell him more clearly she is done, working on her marriage and is done with him.

You absolutely can demand it. She cheated, and honestly, she created an environment that is not conducive to a good productive working environment. If you are not comfortable with them working together (and why would you be?) then that's a boundary. Yes, it will suck in the short term, and may even financially hurt you. Know what will hurt more? Another lapse into am affair, and ultimately divorce.
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- She has been fairly open with me in that when she had her triggers with him she would call him. She has said she has felt the triggers a couple times but has decided to call me instead.

I guess this is a bit of a look up, but OTOH, any contact they have means they are cheating. Period.
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- she has agreed to attend marriage counseling with me which I plan to get set up soon.

MC id great, but a word of warning... If your wife is still in contact with her AP, you'll be spinning your wheels. MC isn't there to fix the marriage it's there to give you the tools to fix it yourself.
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- Penalties. A lot of the other posts mention that the WS needs to understand the penalties associated with the affair including divorce as a possibility. Another penalty for her is that her family would not receive the news of divorce lightly and honestly would not know how to deal with it. I can't throw that in her face but would think she knows what sort of situation that would put her in.


I prefer the term consequences, because penalties to me sound like she would spend two minutes in the penalty box.

Acknowledge the consequences, and it's not throwing it into her face if you make sure she understands the reality of the situation. Action begets reaction. Nothing else will be clear.

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Any other suggested questions I can ask her to keep the information flowing between us is appreciated.


I commend you because you are willing to work on your relationship. My suggestion is to focus on you, and what will work for you, and what your needs are in this situation. The two of you are in for a long, bumpy reconcile and I won't lie, at times it will be extremely difficult. It will be better knowing hat the two of you approach this as a team.

And, you have a great community here at your service. Hit us up!
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Dirazz
I am a BS and I absolutely told my husband he had no choice but to quit his job effective immediately! He did so the day after DD. There was no way I could work on healing and forgiving with him seeing her at work.
I talked to the OW via text on DD and she assured me she would soon be leaving there anyway and would stay away from him. 9 months later she's still there. Thank goodness my husbands not!
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UrbanExplorer
When it was still early after DDay and my husband would throw consequences (divorce, kids, more people being in the know) in my face during an argument, it infuriated me and made me feel unsafe because I was already in such a place of guilt and shame. In therapy since then, we discussed couple boundaries as being negotiated and agreed upon by both partners. Changing jobs and giving passwords, etc., are valid options, but I would try to make it a calm discussion surrounding making the relationship safe and healthy for everyone.
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