- I feel somewhat hamstrung in my options with her contact with him since they work together. I cannot demand she quit her job or anything like that and a different position is not an option. This was her decision to get involved with someone she works with and will probably be one of the hardest parts of this for me to get through. I'm really struggling with how this can play out well.
Other than confronting the dirtbag I'm not sure what else to do. I want to demand she contact him again and tell him more clearly she is done, working on her marriage and is done with him.
You absolutely can demand it. She cheated, and honestly, she created an environment that is not conducive to a good productive working environment. If you are not comfortable with them working together (and why would you be?) then that's a boundary. Yes, it will suck in the short term, and may even financially hurt you. Know what will hurt more? Another lapse into am affair, and ultimately divorce.
- She has been fairly open with me in that when she had her triggers with him she would call him. She has said she has felt the triggers a couple times but has decided to call me instead.
I guess this is a bit of a look up, but OTOH, any contact they have means they are cheating. Period.
- she has agreed to attend marriage counseling with me which I plan to get set up soon.
MC id great, but a word of warning... If your wife is still in contact with her AP, you'll be spinning your wheels. MC isn't there to fix the marriage it's there to give you the tools to fix it yourself.
- Penalties. A lot of the other posts mention that the WS needs to understand the penalties associated with the affair including divorce as a possibility. Another penalty for her is that her family would not receive the news of divorce lightly and honestly would not know how to deal with it. I can't throw that in her face but would think she knows what sort of situation that would put her in.
I prefer the term consequences, because penalties to me sound like she would spend two minutes in the penalty box.
Acknowledge the consequences, and it's not throwing it into her face if you make sure she understands the reality of the situation. Action begets reaction. Nothing else will be clear.
Any other suggested questions I can ask her to keep the information flowing between us is appreciated.
I commend you because you are willing to work on your relationship. My suggestion is to focus on you, and what will work for you, and what your needs are in this situation. The two of you are in for a long, bumpy reconcile and I won't lie, at times it will be extremely difficult. It will be better knowing hat the two of you approach this as a team.
And, you have a great community here at your service. Hit us up!