eltel18
Hello everyone.

I will try and be as concise and to the point as possible. I would very much appreciate advice on handling thoughts and visions. I would also like to say my wife and I are working hard to come out of this stronger.

My wife and I spent most of last year drifting apart, we would sit on our sofa with our bodies literally facing away from each other. we didn't talk, we didn't complement each other, we didn't go out together, it was all work and the kids.

Last September I noticed a big changed, a feeling in my stomach something was very wrong. My wife runs the company she is at and every few months she stays away for one or two nights. 

Last September when she came back we had a big row because I text her the evening she was away and I didn't get a reply. ( right or wrong I just felt it would of been nice for her to reply to me ).

A month later she stayed away again which made me suspicious because the venue she was at was only 15 miles away, but she said she wanted to stay away so she could drink at the meal.

November she stayed away again. She text me to say she was feeling very ill and has taken some strong pain killers and gone to bed. I didn't think anything odd about this as she has gall bladder problems. Although i did notice one of our sex toys missing.

I got suspicious and looked in her purse and found a receipt for two meals. When I asked her, she said yes she had a meal with a client. 

I called the hotel and ask for a copy of the receipt under her company name but the lady had nothing under that name.

I called my wife and asked her who booked the room, she come home from work and we had a big row. I accused her of seeing someone, she flatly denied it, I broke down and suggested I need counseling to help with my jealousy.

Christmas came and went and in the January I started my counseling. My mum died late January , we cremated her in February. I finished my counseling as I felt it helped and my wife and I were getting on really well. But I still had this niggle.

moving forward to May, I managed to have her phone, looked at some texts and established she had seen this guy Phil who is from within their industry. I confronted her and she admitted to it happening once in October.

The days and weeks went by but things just didn't add up. On her old phone I found data containing ( not actual texts ) but a two month window of the amount of texts, what time etc.

I confronted her and she said she was shocked also by the amount as she felt she wound it down over a two week period to end it.

I didn't believe her and soon got into detective mode. I brought a phone recover program and I recovered all the texts from her old phone. I gave me texts from September 19th to November 11th.

The first night they slept together was on her birthday September 19th, again October 18th at a nice hotel and again November 22nd at another nice hotel. I read what they did to each other in bed, she used our sex toys with him, he tied her to the bed and used it on her, they showered together. They sexted each other constantly.

She said November was the last time they met, the sex texts wound down after a few weeks to just mate texts.

She said to me she ended it mid March but thats a long time of just texting after all thos meets.

Anyway Its well and truly over, we are in counseling, we have built new memories and are very much in love.

I would just like to hear from others who have come out the other side together and made it. I keep thinking about what they did, does that go away?

I first found out May 7th 2018 then found all those texts July 30th 2018 so still fresh really.

Thank you for any advice.

Terry
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anthropoidape
Sorry you're going through this. It's unimaginably painful, I know.

No suggestions or advice. Only from my own experience, I can say that the road ahead is long, and that there are some really big dips ahead - just when you have a few good days, bam you feel like there is no hope at all, it is just overwhelming. 

I am a bit over 18 months since d-day and it is still very up and down. The main thing I could call progress is that it is not so much crisis mode 24/7 any more; it is a bit more stabilised. But it is still very hard. 

Good luck. You might find reading here gives you some idea of the experiences others have. 
Maybe it is okay, maybe it will be okay.

BS, d-day Feb 2017, 16 mth affair.
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eltel18
Thank you for your reply. 

It is very much up and down. I just can't stop thinking my wife enjoyed herself with another man. She has played it down by saying she never orgasmed, the sexting was just words she didn't mean. She says what we have is amazing but with security, comfort and she doesn't need to het drunk like she did with him to not worry about herself and her body. 

It's tough, very tough.

Its nice to know it gets better, so thank you.
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JORGE
Healing and recovery typically isn't complete until authenticity and remorse is undeniably demonstrated by the WS. Authenticity is shown by the WS not being defensive, having the patience to answer all questions and willing  comply with any request the BS makes that makes him/her feel safe. Anything less delays or prohibits full recovery and reconciliation sometimes known as false reconciliation.  Additionally, marriage is frequently not the root cause of the infidelity, however it is the relationship that is unloaded upon. She needs to identify her why's through independent counseling, not marital counseling. 

Why did she revert to hundreds of lies. I'm not exaggerating here. Hundreds of lies were made in order to deceive you for the period of her affair. Literally hundreds. This was a pattern, not a happenstance or one time opportunity. She made conscious decisions to receive emotional and physical pleasure from another man and risked EVERYTHING she had to do so. She HAS has to commit to why this happened and what where the underlying issues that led to it.

Case in point, if you physically abused your wife and struck her, there's something in your background that led you to striking her. Your wife didn't cause you to react that way. She may have helped trigger your action, but the action itself YOU have to own. Marriage counseling MIGHT help create an environment whereby you are less likely to strike her, but it is incumbent upon you to determine why you hit her in the first place. In society, there is no place in hell where this is acceptable. An emotional confrontation with your wife just brought it to surface, but isn't the root cause. The root cause must be identified by the man in this case, otherwise efforts to address it are band aids and not effective removal of the issue. 

Do not assume or allow her to place blame on you, as many people suffer in the marriage from loneliness, unhappiness, lack of attention, etc., but don't choose to be unfaithful to remedy their ills. The root cause to this happening is typically something much deeper that only a professional can dig out. Ideally, a professional well versed in infidelity. Not all professionals are capable of addressing infidelity. If your wife doesn't get to her why's, you can consider her to be unhealed, and the circumstances that triggered her behavior are very capable of producing similar results. Any physical or emotional defect within oneself is likely to remain present until properly dealt with. Underlying factors leading to infidelity are no different.
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notemanj
We are a year and a half past the initial D Day. I still struggle from time to time. We are both in counseling and he has a terrible time talking about what he did. When he does, however, even though I am sad and hurt and angry while we have the discussion, the days after are always better and we feel closer. Talking, as far as I am concerned, is the only way I can quiet those awful images in my head. I think of myself as a boiler that needs to have the steam released from time to time. 

But, I also want everyone to hear about a night we recently had that was so wonderful. We have two kids, 17 and 14. They know all of the pertinent details and are very aware of what my WH and I are going through. This night, my daughter had just had her senior pictures taken and my WH and I were looking at them in bed. My daughter came in to talk about them with us. And then my son came to our room, remarking before he even saw them, that her pictures were gorgeous. He’s our comedian. 

So, for about 15 minutes, all 4 of us were sitting in our bed, laughing and having a wonderful time. I commented about how 10 years ago we would be begging them to stay in their own beds. And now, my WH and I were giddy that they were there with us.

They left the room. And my son’s underwear had been left on the floor outside of his room. All 4 of us were yelling across the house, joking and laughing more. 

When everything settled down, I remember thinking about the AP. And how extremely unimportant she was. How she could never take away from me the pure joy I had just experienced with my whole family. 

We we are a long way from being completely healed. But my advice to everyone, not to take away from the importance of talking, is to hold onto those moments of joy that you get in between the days of horror. They are still out there to be had. Seek them.
Wishing everyone here peace and healing!

Female BS Married 18 yrs
DDay 3/7/2017 through 4/2019 and counting. 
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JORGE
notemanj -  your post appears to be unrelated to the original poster's (eltel18) comment. Unbeknownst to you, this called thread jacking. If you are new, this is an understandable mistake. I recommend starting your own post so that others can respond accordingly. 
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anthropoidape
JORGE wrote:
notemanj -  your post appears to be unrelated to the original poster's (eltel18) comment. Unbeknownst to you, this called thread jacking. If you are new, this is an understandable mistake. I recommend starting your own post so that others can respond accordingly. 


This reminds me to ask - besides yourself obviously, who are the moderators and admins of this forum?

We are all here to share our own personal experience and the perspective that we've gained the hard way, so it would be good to know which members are here as suitably qualified professionals, site moderators etc. 
Maybe it is okay, maybe it will be okay.

BS, d-day Feb 2017, 16 mth affair.
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anthropoidape
JORGE wrote:
Healing and recovery typically isn't complete until authenticity and remorse is undeniably demonstrated by the WS. .


At what point did you feel that your WS had undeniably demonstrated authenticity and remorse? What were some of the things she did that helped you feel like healing and recovery were complete? 
Maybe it is okay, maybe it will be okay.

BS, d-day Feb 2017, 16 mth affair.
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JORGE


This reminds me to ask - besides yourself obviously, who are the moderators and admins of this forum?

We are all here to share our own personal experience and the perspective that we've gained the hard way, so it would be good to know which members are here as suitably qualified professionals, site moderators etc. 


Lol... I was making a citizens arrest. :-) ÃƒÂ°Ã…¸ËœÂ anthropoidape, I'm not a moderator. I'm also not a suitably qualified professional. In fact, I'm relatively new as evidenced by my 31 total post. Joined last December but didn't post until a month ago or so. I just decided to intervene as it appeared an unintentional thread-jack occurred. To answer your question, I have no idea who the mods are, if in fact any exists. I've never seen one interject in my short time on the forums.
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JORGE
Disclaimer:

anthropoidape: Your reply to my post is appreciated as it was an eye opener for me. The mere question, as innocent as it was, suggests I may be coming across as an authority. I am not and not even close actually.  To you and all others who have read my post, I am not an authority, and in fact are no less informed than many or even most of you.

I was a wayward in my early 20's and betrayed in my early 30's with two fiance's. If I'm coming across as an authority type, I need to stop. I'm saying that with all humility and I appreciate your reply as well as your contribution to this forum. 

Original Poster: Please accept my apologies for thread jacking here. I look hypocritical in violating an unwritten protocol that I just brought to the attention of another. Oh well! ÃƒÂ°Ã…¸Ëœâ€ž
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Keepabuzz


This reminds me to ask - besides yourself obviously, who are the moderators and admins of this forum?

We are all here to share our own personal experience and the perspective that we've gained the hard way, so it would be good to know which members are here as suitably qualified professionals, site moderators etc. 


There used to be at least a couple of moderators. I think Kal was one, and there was a female as well, but I can’t rememeber the names.  The only reason I knew that they were moderators is that it said as such where mine says platinum member under my picture.  
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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notemanj
I’m pretty sure that the title was Advice on Handling After the Affair. My point was that talking is important and don’t forget to appreciate the good things that happen. What part of that is NOT about handling things after the affair? No thread jacking. Just answering a question I thought I had something to add to. But thanks for the positive reinforcement and telling me once again that I was wrong. Clearly what I was hoping for by sharing my happy story. 
Wishing everyone here peace and healing!

Female BS Married 18 yrs
DDay 3/7/2017 through 4/2019 and counting. 
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JORGE
notemanj wrote:
I’m pretty sure that the title was Advice on Handling After the Affair. My point was that talking is important and don’t forget to appreciate the good things that happen. What part of that is NOT about handling things after the affair? No thread jacking. Just answering a question I thought I had something to add to. But thanks for the positive reinforcement and telling me once again that I was wrong. Clearly what I was hoping for by sharing my happy story. 


I must have misinterpreted. Apologies. 
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MC
Notemanj
notemanj wrote:


When everything settled down, I remember thinking about the AP. And how extremely unimportant she was. How she could never take away from me the pure joy I had just experienced with my whole family. 

We we are a long way from being completely healed. But my advice to everyone, not to take away from the importance of talking, is to hold onto those moments of joy that you get in between the days of horror. They are still out there to be had. Seek them.


The original question was about the thoughts of what your WS and AP did, and do those thoughts go away.

Notemanj just hit the nail on the head for me. Wow, thank you. When I think about what my WW and AP did, I tell myself that he is so remarkably unimportant in our entire story. Our entire story has existed before him and exists after him. One nasty blip on the radar. Hearing that same thought as you've expressed it is so healing. Thank you.

Remarkable how close we are on D-Day too!

Male BS, D-Day 3-15-17
________________
Male BS
D-Day 3.15.2017


Taking care of myself, as we all deserve to do.
Encouraging all to bolster their: Emotional Health, Physical Health and Spiritual Health
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notemanj
Sad that we have D Days at all. I am still fighting to get over the terrible thoughts of what my WH and his AP did. But those moments of joy in my home help tremendously. I try to put those pictures as front and center of my mind as possible. Those are the moments when I can breathe and know that she was nothing compared to what I and we have. 
Wishing everyone here peace and healing!

Female BS Married 18 yrs
DDay 3/7/2017 through 4/2019 and counting. 
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