wolfgrrl Show full post »
Keepabuzz
Everyone is different, you have to walk your own path, at your own pace. I don't think I have seen anyone on here say "I always knew if my spouse cheated, I would give them a second chance". I know I sure didn't. I always said, if you cheat, we are done, no discussion. But yet here I am. I didn't mean to seem to push you to a decision. I'm just trying to make sure you put you first. Your safety, your security, your mental and emotional health. That doesn't mean give up, or walk away necessarily. Honestly I'm very glad my wife didn't violate any of my boundaries, because like you know you, I know me. I would have been done. I would have walked out, without a doubt, and I would wonder if I had made every effort possible for the sake of my kids. So yes, everything is on your timeline, knowing that gave me power. I hope it does the same for you. You will know when it is time to make a decision. No matter what, put yourself first. If he continues to contact her, you don't have to leave, or throw him out if your not ready for that. But you can say there will be no physical contact between us, or we will only talk about the business of life until you can go 100% NC. It doesn't have to be all or nothing. It's up to you, you're in the driver seat for you, even though I know it doesn't feel like it.
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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Heidi
wolfgrrl wrote:
/>I appreciate everyone's advice on here, but I have learned to take the advice, read the stories, think on them, but also realize that there is no right or wrong way to do this.


^^This tells me that you are getting to where you need to be. You understand yourself and what you are able and willing to do.

We all have different tolerances, and my WH now thanks god that mine were quite high, because it took him way too long to pull his head from where the sun didn't shine. But he did it, and after 18 months of counselling I can see how he's changed completely.

I'd be surprised if there's a BH out there who hasn't taken more than they ever thought they would. Even agreeing to reconcile broke the boundaries I thought I had. But I'm glad I did.

Keep being true to yourself. In the end that's all any of us can do.
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wolfgrrl
Thank you Keepabuzz, and no I have never felt like anyone on here is pushing me. As I said, I appreciate hearing all the different stories, choices, coping mechanisms. They give me ideas, different perspectives, and comfort that we all do walk this path in our own way, but that we still have support from others through it all. I especially appreciate hearing a guy's perspective because it can be very different from a woman's sometimes. I know I will get to my own place in my own time. I have started to put up some boundaries. I've cut off physical contact completely. We were still kissing goodnight, saying I love you at the end of phone calls. I've stopped. I'm sure he notices, but he hasn't said anything. We haven't shared a bed since dday and I'm considering asking him to set up a "bedroom" downstairs rather than sleep on the couch. It wouldn't make a huge difference to him, but I feel like it might make a difference to me. After D-day, I was in complete "fix it" mode and was making plans for us to have time alone together to reconnect, spending more time with him just talking, etc. I've cut all of that out. I don't make any plans for us, don't even go with him when he does things with the kids sometimes. I've stopped putting in the effort. I know he notices that too. And it may be small steps, but they do give me the sense of power, that sense that what happens to me is in my hands, not someone elses. He took that power away from me by having the affair and hiding it from me. That was done to me without my consent or knowledge. Now I am taking it back. And that is something.
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Keepabuzz
It sounds like you are getting your power back a lot quicker than I did! Making your bedroom "your" room is good. You have a place that is only yours. I agree that he notices you not saying I love you and other small things you used to do. He probably just downs t know what to do about it. You're doing good! Just keep taking your power back. Work towards not letting anyone, your WS or the AP control your thoughts. It's a battle I fight everyday, but EVERYDAY, it's gets just a little bit easier. On bad days, it's a very small amount, and good days and bigger amount. But everyday it gets a little easier.
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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wolfgrrl
Thanks for the encouragement Keepabuzz. My close friends who know the whole story all say I am miles from where I was on D-day, and in a good way. So I am trying to remember that and not get too down on myself. I'm trying hard to keep the OW out of my thoughts, and as you said every day it gets a tiny bit easier. There are days when she creeps in and won't go away, and those are the bad days. But they used to be every day, and they are slowly becoming less frequent. I guess the important part is to focus on where I have grown and where I am doing better. One day at a time is all we can do, right?
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Keepabuzz
Absolutely! This whole thing REALLY SUCKS, but one positive in all the destruction is you will never be that low again. Not even if he or someone else cheats on you. You have been through the ultimate fire, and you are immensely stronger because of it. No one can take that from you!!
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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wolfgrrl
Thanks Keepabuzz. I'm going to put that somewhere so I can read it when I need to. Because you are right. I will emerge from this stronger, no matter what happens!
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neslon
Quote:
You have been through the ultimate fire, and you are immensely stronger because of it. No one can take that from you!!


hmmm...embroider on a pillow or tattoo?  Either way thank you for the those words!!

I doubt I will ever doubt my strength or ability to sit in pain and a mess again.


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wolfgrrl
I'm with Neslon, that quote is going somewhere where I can see it often!
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