Reese
Is it common for the WS to not only abandon the marriage for the AP but to also abandon the children?

It's been almost 5 weeks and he isn't even trying to see our kids. His AP lives in another state so it's not like he's with her all the time. I'm so frustrated for our kids. He was a very hands on father when home before.

Is this limerence or drugs? He's also sporting the dumbest looking mustache. Lookin' like a darn tool. 🤦‍♀️💁‍♀️
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Vanessa
I just call it self centered stupidity
MY WS abandoned our entire life (18 years of marriage, home, friends, community and family including 2 adult kids.  Son is getting married soon and WS is not even invited 😟  I just can't imagine a gold-digging serial cheater can fill the void where a  family used to be.  Not sure if he ever did/will wake up and see what he really did- I finally came to terms with the notion that the fact that he was "WILLING" to do that is enough for me to see he is not a worthy partner for me. 
Taking my focus off my WS and what I "thought" he was and putting it on me and my kids was so liberating.
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Keepabuzz
Affairs are the epitome of selfishness, this could be part of it. I have often wondered if shame could have something to do with it as well or in place of the selfishness.  I have wondered why any WS stays after what they have done, if they truly grasp the depth and breadth of the damage they have caused. To stay and bear witness to the wake of destruction you have caused. To look at your BS and watch them suffer knowing you caused it all. Knowing you quite literally destroyed another human, not any human, but the one in the entire world you vowed to never hurt. That has to be a tough task, no matter how much it should be, or well deserved.  I can imagine it, your spouse hates you. Your kids hate you. Most if not all of your friends cut ties with you. Your extended family is disgusted with you, etc, etc etc.  It would be pretty hard to exist where literally everyone views you as the lowest form of life on earth. I can certainly see how a person clearly already possessing selfish tendencies would see it as an easier path to just disappear, and start new somewhere else. Doesn’t make it right, but I can see how the thought process could work. 
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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Jennifer
Keepabuzz wrote:
Affairs are the epitome of selfishness, this could be part of it. I have often wondered if shame could have something to do with it as well or in place of the selfishness.  . 


I think Keep is right in bringing up the shame factor. Seeing his kids is a reminder of all the pain and hurt he has caused his family. If he tends to avoid negative feelings, situations, etc (a lot of unfaithful spouses do) then he is avoiding situations/people that evoke that shame response.

Again this is in no way ok or right. It is not fair the kids have to suffer for his bad choices.
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Reese
I think shame is likely right. A wildfire broke out about 1/2 mile behind our house so naturally I contacted to let him know we were okay and packed ready to leave should we be evacuated. I thought it would be better than him finding out on the news. 
I had  to call his mother before I heard back from him and he sounded ashamed when I talked to him. Sounded very sad too. I kept it short and tried not to let my anger show but it was hard when he tried to tell me he's just one call away if we needed anything. I pointed out the fact that he has completely abandoned us. (Physically, financially, everything.) He was quick to get off the phone. The man I married could never go through with the things he has done.
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stillme
Shame shouldn't make him abandon you and your children financially. I can see him not wanting to show his face, but not wanting to ensuring his own children have everything they need financially - even if he can't give them what they need emotionally, is an entirely different level of suck and I am not sure that can be attributed to shame. He should at least want to make sure you all are completely okay.
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