Courage
We've now passed our year anniversary of DDAY. To say this last year has been hell is frankly an understatement. Lots of lies and trickle down truths about the affair... Mostly bc I discovered things. But- fast forward a year and this is where we are. My WH to my knowledge ended the affair when it was discovered. He has barely left the house socially since then ( when he has I know where and who he's with) The few times he's been out he's made sure I was okay with it and has sent me pictures throughout the night. I have complete access to his phone, emails and texts. He has worked very hard to regain my trust and rebuild our marriage. He didn't admit it at the time, but he's since revealed he went through a grieving period of missing her. Hard to hear, but I get it. He now says he's over it and can't believe what he allowed himself to do. I can admit the severe trauma and anxiety I felt has passed but I also admit I have not forgiven nor do I fully trust. The pain of his 2 year affair still knocks the wind out of me. I go through periods of sadness and then anger. I resent the hard work it is taking to get over something I had no control over. Our progress is slow, but it is still progress. I struggle with showing him the love I have for him bc I'm just not ready yet. I know it's wrong but I sometimes feel if I give him my love again he will feel that I'm over it and that its forgotten. I will say at times our marriage is better than it ever has been- we communicate better than we ever did. He is a good man who made a horrific mistake. I've had great support this past year from some amazing friends. Don't know for sure how I would have made it without them.
My WH feels Shame and remorse and he says that moving forward his goal is to be the best husband and father he can be. He says that he can't change his past but we can determine the happiness of our future. I agree and believe this too, but I struggle with letting go and giving to him what I am capable of. He says he understands and knows I'm not ready and he'll be by my side to support me. I am grateful for that. I do hope we can get to that place in our marriage we both aspire to. I can't deny though that sometimes I wish I ended it when I found out. I thought I'd be further ahead in my healing. I need to work on forgiveness and grace- I'm just not always sure how to get there. We have begun to enjoy each other's company and I do envision great possibilities. I own my shortcomings in our marriage and have changed some of my behaviours. He too has changed some of his. We feel better about ourselves because of it. He says getting caught was the best thing that ever happened to him. I still HATE that there was something he had to be caught doing to realize what he had. My post is for those who are new to this hell. Perhaps my healing journey a little further ahead will give some perspective and maybe hope.
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Anna26
Hey Courage!  Good to read a post from you.  And especially so now that things seem to be on a far better footing for you.  Like you it's now a year for me (mid October) from DDay, but for me, things are much the same.  We are still living separately, and I think things are 'on' again between them, but I now feel that I want to get on with my life, whether it's on my own or not. 

It sounds like things have been really tough for you at times and maybe things are taking longer than expected but the first thing that springs out at me is that his affair was two years and you are a year out from Dday.  I heard once that when you have been ill (for example) it takes you the same length of time to recover from the illness as it does to go through it.  I'm not sure about this but I'm guessing the same thing could be applied to the recovery period from an affair too.

It's great that your husband is doing everything in his power to help you feel safe and to build up trust. It sounds like he's really shaken off all the confusion and uncertainty and and has moved on a lot further than mine.  How I wish that he could see what he is doing to himself, and could see things through the eyes of others. 

It's okay to feel as you do at times, recovery is a long slow 'work in progress', you wouldn't be human if you didn't have doubts at times.  I dare say many of us have often wondered why we married the person we did in the first place, even before the affair!

Really good news from you though, long may it continue..wishing you well for the future [smile]
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Robin1971
Courage, I'm hanging on to your post for hope. Hope that my day will come and my fears will subside, my anxieties will come to an end and not just a subside for a week just to come full force again. Hope that I will become myself again and stop living in what is a real FOG, not the fog that all the WS seem to live in. My fog is I can't focus, I cant eat, I can't concentrate, you see all you WS. This is physical damage that is done to us also, mental, emotional and psysical damage I am having to repair of myself because of his affair! Someday maybe?????
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Courage
Robin I'm not sure how long it's been for you since DDAY, but everything you say you are experiencing I went to and it still surfaces from time to time... However less severe. The biggest impact the affair had on me was my inability to be a good parent. Not sure how much my kids noticed but just doing everyday kid things for me was difficult. I would do things with my kids but never enjoy them. I had no energy left for them. I was terrified id feel like that forever. With the trauma of the affair, working full time, my energy for them is what suffered. I'd cry at night feeling so guilty bc I love them so much, why was being with them a chore? I was NEVER like that before- never felt that way. I'd be so angry that my husbands actions depleted me of being able to experience joy with my kids.
I don't know exactly when I began to shift but I noticed it around the end of September after the kids had been back at school a month. I found myself excited to get home from work to see them, I'd have ideas of what we could do as a family in the evenings, I had patience for them that was certainly gone this past year. I just genuinely wanted to be with them and it was no longer an effort. I think it was just time that got me back to the mother I once was.
It is true what everyone says, while we wait and hope for healing, we must engage in things we enjoy and take care of ourselves.
Take care of yourself!!
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Robin1971
7 months today. 3 kids. 15. 6 and 5 yr old. It's so hard to enjoy anything. I volunteer at their schools just to keep myself busy
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TimT
Thank you for your post, Courage. We all hope each year brings more healing and unexpected joys.
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TimeToFly
Hi Courage,

So nice to see a post from you! It sounds like it has been a year filled with a lot of emotions but also a lot of progress. Like Anna said, I think recovering from an affair really takes time...probably much longer than we expect it will. At least you feel like you both are working on things & communicating on a good level which is so important. 

As far as my life, it's 9 months since my divorce & I wake up everyday wishing I wasn't in this situation. Everything is so difficult. 

Anyway, I hope good things continue for you. Wishing you the best. 
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Why
Two years past D day and still struggling. He is committed but I struggle with his 5 year marriage to another woman. The childish sexual antics they did and not being able to let go to that. I struggle to see how I am so special and important when the sex was so good and on demand when desired with her. Sex is a very important part to my husband so why is he with me where the well is dry?
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Tim2014
Well maybe because he truly loves you and wants you I just making a observation based upon the short post you wrote
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Why
I am having a hard time believing that. I asked him the other day if I was his best friend and his answer was that he wanted me to be. Ok, so how are you married to someone and they are not your best friend? If I am not a best friend who has been here no matter what, stayed faithful and trusted even when my intuition told me otherwise, then what am I? Am I just a love prostitute like the affair partner? Someone to be intimate with but not worthy of being friend number one? He always said with the AP it was more about the friendship not the sex. If so why is he not with her? Why am I worthy of " love" but not friendship? He said I use to be his best friend but I'm not anymore. I think he loves the idea of family, and keeping it together and being righteous but he doesn't love me, want me, ok but love me no, how do you love someone but see them as the best friend?
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awaggoner1999
Oddly enough, I always thought my WS was my best friend. I would tell him as much. However, he would either say "Really?" or " How am I your best friend?". I would look at him a little puzzled and proceed to tell him what he as a best friend was to me.
I would say you are my soft place when I fall, you are my strength when I am weak, you are my courage when I am afraid, you know my inner most parts of me and love me, you make me laugh, you are honest, you listen to me...and you make me feel safe"...boy has this adultery fiasco been a real kick in the teeth to my belief of who he is and who I was to him...

He has never said anything remotely close to me like that ever...and I realized he has never considered me a friend...a light jab to the jaw...Something should have warned me then...way back when. But I dismissed it because I thought that he may not see me as his best friend, but as more than that...so I was OK. In spite of him never saying one way or the other...

I am all those things and more to my closest girlfriends. 

I get it if someone questions why your spouse does not consider their spouse a best friend... This is the person that knows you more intimately than anyone...they have seen all your faces and still love you... [crazy]
I just looked at it and thought he thought more of me...boy have I been wrong...



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surviving
awaggoner1999 - I feel your pain.  My WS has NEVER said I was his best friend, nor his friend at all.  He just never used the term.  Now that DDay has come (27 months ago), he says I am his best friend.  Well, thank you very much.  It is nice to know that now you have been caught in your sexual sins (with an "S"), you consider me your best friend, or even a friend at all.  How come I wasn't your best friend when you cheated?  I guess I am his friend now that he doesn't have another whore on the line.  The whole mess is so frustrating.
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Kalmarjan
I can totally feel the frustration.

For me, my wife was my best friend. It took almost completely losing her to understand what I had, and to appreciate our friendship that much more.

Perhaps this is the case for you? Maybe realizing what he did to you makes him realize how lucky he really is...
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Anna26
Kal. I think you hit the nail on the head!  I don't think any of us realise what we have until it's almost too late.  We take each other for granted far too much anyway.  My husband was my rock, and my confidante, but I don't think I ever considered him a best friend, or him, me as his.  I think we were just always there for each other, but never really put a name to that. Like I say, taking it for granted that it would always be so.
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