I am struggling to respond to all the posts the past few days because I am buried at work, but I just wanted to chime in here and say - I AGREE with Triplehooks.
After DD, I started being REALLY honest. No more letting things slide in my marriage, no more being 90% happy with the way things were, etc. He'd chosen the atomic bomb in dealing with his petty resentments, hurt feelings, etc. Me speaking my truth wasn't even CLOSE to that. So I decided that if we were rebuilding - it would be built on NEW, FRESH ground that incorporated all my needs as firmly as his. I agree with Triplehooks about how your wife is handling this group of friends too. She needs to ante up to telling why he can't be a part of the group, or find an excuse out. NO WAY she leaves you hanging wondering if he showed up, or if she left. That made me so mad my blood boiled reading it. This is not YOU being unreasonable. This is her not wanting to face the fallout of HER ACTIONS. She wouldn't have to do this if SHE"D made the right choice. From the outside looking in, your wife still doesn't "get it". She does NOT understand the depths of the pain, anger and fear she put inside your soul. I would say I can control myself VERY well, and if I'd been in your shoes at that event I would have been struggling before the AP walked over. But when that selfish bastard walked over and inserted himself NEAR YOU - he was pushing buttons he KNEW were there. And your wife took up for HIM? That's BS! If my husband's AP had done that, I honestly have no idea what I would have done. My stomach hurts thinking about it. But I can tell you it wouldn't be pretty. Your wife needs one hell of a wake-up call about how she's handling this. ALL her loyalty and care should be with you right now and forever more. 100%. If not, show her the door. I know I am usually the calm one - but this isn't okay. She's being willing to prolong and intensify YOUR HURT to save face and be kind to him. That is selfish in the EXTREME.
BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child DD May 2016 “When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl