Anna26
I'd like to go a little off tangent here if I may and pose a question that I've been mulling over all day, (as I do when I'm trying to discover the 'meaning of life'). so I'll understand if no-one 'gets' what I'm actually woffling on about, I am a bit deep sometimes, even for myself!

I'm assuming here that both the BS and the WS now have huge issues with trust so basically I'm wondering what is it that lets us come into a community like this and open up to people we don't even know?  I mean, we could be anyone couldn't we, bank robbers, axe murderers, in fact, anyone who is really UNTRUSTWORTHY so how do we manage to let each other in?

Is it because we are all going through a similar situation, whichever side you are looking at it from?  Is there a part of us that just senses that it's okay to open up to a total stranger and let the story spill out, warts and all?  Is it a part of our make-up as a human being, where we just need to reach out to someone in a crisis? What allows us to overlook our issues like that?
Love to hear what others think, understand if I've dumbfounded you all [biggrin]
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TimeToFly
Anna26 wrote:
I'd like to go a little off tangent here if I may and pose a question that I've been mulling over all day, (as I do when I'm trying to discover the 'meaning of life'). so I'll understand if no-one 'gets' what I'm actually woffling on about, I am a bit deep sometimes, even for myself!

I'm assuming here that both the BS and the WS now have huge issues with trust so basically I'm wondering what is it that lets us come into a community like this and open up to people we don't even know?  I mean, we could be anyone couldn't we, bank robbers, axe murderers, in fact, anyone who is really UNTRUSTWORTHY so how do we manage to let each other in?

Is it because we are all going through a similar situation, whichever side you are looking at it from?  Is there a part of us that just senses that it's okay to open up to a total stranger and let the story spill out, warts and all?  Is it a part of our make-up as a human being, where we just need to reach out to someone in a crisis? What allows us to overlook our issues like that?
Love to hear what others think, understand if I've dumbfounded you all [biggrin]


Anna, you are absolutely right...we have no idea who we are really talking to, but it seemed right from the beginning we were all happy to have found a safe place where we could talk openly & honestly with one another. It seems the common goal is that we all want to help each other in whatever way we can. 

There does seem to be an underlying layer of trust & maybe that's because we all feel a sense of what each person is going through. Or perhaps we want to try & trust again & maybe this forum seems like a starting point. Whatever it is, I'm glad that I'm here & that I've found so much support in such a short time. I'm amazed everyday at how similar so many of the stories sound. When you have a place like this to go to, you realize you aren't so alone. 
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Intuition77
I think all of what you said. I think the need for understanding in crisis overwrites any sense of distrust. Also I think You kind of just offer a certain level of trust to everyone. I do at least. In their words at least. I mean not like to get in my car or enter my home but the level of what they say is true, considering circumstances of course!

If some guy with an axe shows up at my door at midnight and says his car broke down and he needs to use my phone I'm not trusting that!!! Lol but hi my name is xxx and I have 3 kids? I'll trust that until you give me reason not to. I think There's a certain level of trust you give like benefit of the doubt, until you show me different I'll take you at face value you know? I said this to my husband after dday. That I trust him LESS then a stranger on the street. Which was so foreign to me.

So I guess there's different levels of trust? I struggled with thinking that if my husband did do everything right and worked hard at it that id never feel Completely safe. Like Would I trust him saying he was at work but would always still be thinking he could at any moment just up and leave? Would I trust him to pick the kids up from
School but not to go to the store? We never had anything separate. Ours was ours. And I struggled with trust in that area too thinking if we ever got back together I wanted to Have full control of all family finances (like I always did) but I also wanted my own backup on the side for me and the kids that he couldn't access just in case. The very idea of that feels awful to me and I'd never think I could ever feel that way about him. Pre affair I would have never mistrusted him with money anything. After I would think he could just wipe us out and disappear. It hurt just to know he damaged the bond between us to that extreme. [frown] Kind of pointless concern now but I never figured that out.
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Anna26
Hmm...lots more to mull over now...oh I do like a meaning of life challenge..lol. 

TimeToFly: Good thought about a community like this being a starting point and a safe harbour to begin to learn to trust again, in the meantime sharing our thoughts and ideas.  Maybe it's an inherent human ability that we never completely lose. And this community is a great place to come to. You wouldn't believe it, I'm almost falling over myself to come on here and check out what messages, thoughts and ideas people have posted. Where would I be without you all right now..(oh quick, pass the tissues...[smile] )

Intuition:   You never cease to amaze me with the way you pull everything to bits, extract your own ideas from it, and it all makes perfect logical sense afterwards! 
Maybe trust is a multifaceted thing, something with many different layers.   It could be that this is what enables us to make those judgement calls, otherwise, when you think about it we would always be too scared to live our lives wouldn't we?
And you're right, it is completely alien to feel that you trust a stranger more than your spouse right now.  And I hear you, re finances.  I've also felt I might need to do that at some point, but your right it does feel awful.  But I feel doing that would kind of protect me financially, even more so after I discovered that some of our money was used for a tryst away somewhere. That stung! My money went in our account too, so you see, I know exactly what you mean [wink]
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TimeToFly
Anna26 wrote:
Hmm...lots more to mull over now...oh I do like a meaning of life challenge..lol. 

TimeToFly: Good thought about a community like this being a starting point and a safe harbour to begin to learn to trust again, in the meantime sharing our thoughts and ideas.  Maybe it's an inherent human ability that we never completely lose. And this community is a great place to come to. You wouldn't believe it, I'm almost falling over myself to come on here and check out what messages, thoughts and ideas people have posted. Where would I be without you all right now..(oh quick, pass the tissues...[smile] )

Intuition:   You never cease to amaze me with the way you pull everything to bits, extract your own ideas from it, and it all makes perfect logical sense afterwards! 
Maybe trust is a multifaceted thing, something with many different layers.   It could be that this is what enables us to make those judgement calls, otherwise, when you think about it we would always be too scared to live our lives wouldn't we?
And you're right, it is completely alien to feel that you trust a stranger more than your spouse right now.  And I hear you, re finances.  I've also felt I might need to do that at some point, but your right it does feel awful.  But I feel doing that would kind of protect me financially, even more so after I discovered that some of our money was used for a tryst away somewhere. That stung! My money went in our account too, so you see, I know exactly what you mean [wink]


Anna, I'm just like you...coming here frequently to see what has been posted & reading what others have to say on all these topics. It's been an outlet for me & I guess after four years I have plenty of "affair stories" to share!! My son has even commented how involved I've become with this forum!

Intuition & Anna, I will tell you that from my own experience it might be a good idea to try & have your own little nest egg that you can start building. Like both of you, my ex & I had everything together in joint accounts & of course I trusted him completely before the affair. However, he used "our money" (and quite a lot of it) to finance things with "her"...mini vacations, hotels, expensive dinners, gifts, etc. while I was sitting at home taking care of things. When I found out about all these expenses (they would start & stop depending on where we were with trying to work on our marriage) & questioned him he basically felt that since he made more money than I did, he should be allowed to spend whatever he wanted. Of course this isn't logical at all & it was his huge selfish ego on display....no thanks to "her". 

I'm working harder now than I have for quite awhile so that I can get myself in a better financial position. My divorce was costly (they always are) & when I figured out roughly what he spent in just one year out of four on the affair it really upset me. However I just have to try & do what I can to move past this financial mess.  


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Anna26
TimeToFly wrote:


When I found out about all these expenses (they would start & stop depending on where we were with trying to work on our marriage) & questioned him he basically felt that since he made more money than I did, he should be allowed to spend whatever he wanted. Of course this isn't logical at all & it was his huge selfish ego on display....no thanks to "her". 

 





Ouch!!  I suspect I know how that feels.   Well, he's never actually said that to me in that context, but it's kind of come up in arguments in the past.  You know, the ones where you are sideswiping and are a bit snipey with each other? 
Example: Me, 'I could really do with a new washing machine'...  Him, 'well, we can't afford it, and anyway that ones still working'...  Me, 'but it's really noisy, the bearings are going... him...well if you got a full time job...

He's full and I'm part time, plus home etc..but he's never quite been able to see that I don't want to work full time,  we do actually manage, because none of my wages pays the bills, and while we are in that situation, where is the need?  I just always got the impression that anything I earned wasn't good enough, although he's never actually said that either, but consequently I've always felt awkward about spending our money.  Just another of those little wrinkles that we've never managed to iron out because HE doesn't do opening up and talking.   Maybe some of it is my imagination or down to my lack of self esteem and confidence.  It's very easy to put me down and make me feel insignificant, probably a throwback to childhood in some way.   There again, maybe some of us are just naturally reticent, shy, reserved and sometimes a bit of a pushover.  I have learned to stand up for myself and do!   I'll take on board what you said about a nest egg, could be a good idea.
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Kalmarjan
Ah trust. It's a weird thing. I think because it is so anonymous here it's easier to open up completely. The chances of deducing where I am and embarrassing me are pretty slim, even if someone wanted to do that. (I hope Np one does anyway...)
As for money, my wife and I always had a 50/50 approach to finances. We both have our own accounts, and we pay the bills right down the middle. So, in essence I was not stealing money from a pool to finance my trysts. That being said, the money wasn't available to the family either.

I don't know if I will ever gain the full trust, and to tell you the truth, I know that I deserve that. I hope that I can get close, but I guess it's a little bit like trying to put the pudding back into the cup after you've opened it.

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