Hmm...lots more to mull over now...oh I do like a meaning of life challenge..lol.
TimeToFly: Good thought about a community like this being a starting point and a safe harbour to begin to learn to trust again, in the meantime sharing our thoughts and ideas. Maybe it's an inherent human ability that we never completely lose. And this community is a great place to come to. You wouldn't believe it, I'm almost falling over myself to come on here and check out what messages, thoughts and ideas people have posted. Where would I be without you all right now..(oh quick, pass the tissues...
Intuition: You never cease to amaze me with the way you pull everything to bits, extract your own ideas from it, and it all makes perfect logical sense afterwards!
Maybe trust is a multifaceted thing, something with many different layers. It could be that this is what enables us to make those judgement calls, otherwise, when you think about it we would always be too scared to live our lives wouldn't we?
And you're right, it is completely alien to feel that you trust a stranger more than your spouse right now. And I hear you, re finances. I've also felt I might need to do that at some point, but your right it does feel awful. But I feel doing that would kind of protect me financially, even more so after I discovered that some of our money was used for a tryst away somewhere. That stung! My money went in our account too, so you see, I know exactly what you mean
Anna, I'm just like you...coming here frequently to see what has been posted & reading what others have to say on all these topics. It's been an outlet for me & I guess after four years I have plenty of "affair stories" to share!! My son has even commented how involved I've become with this forum!
Intuition & Anna, I will tell you that from my own experience it might be a good idea to try & have your own little nest egg that you can start building. Like both of you, my ex & I had everything together in joint accounts & of course I trusted him completely before the affair. However, he used "our money" (and quite a lot of it) to finance things with "her"...mini vacations, hotels, expensive dinners, gifts, etc. while I was sitting at home taking care of things. When I found out about all these expenses (they would start & stop depending on where we were with trying to work on our marriage) & questioned him he basically felt that since he made more money than I did, he should be allowed to spend whatever he wanted. Of course this isn't logical at all & it was his huge selfish ego on display....no thanks to "her".
I'm working harder now than I have for quite awhile so that I can get myself in a better financial position. My divorce was costly (they always are) & when I figured out roughly what he spent in just one year out of four on the affair it really upset me. However I just have to try & do what I can to move past this financial mess.