My husband had an affair. My dday was the day before my birthday 1 year ago. I've been working hard to save the marriage, marriage counseling, IC, etc.  I thought it was getting a little better. This last month was miserable with the constant reminders of their affair.  But we're taking through it. Monday we had a great talk about some issues in dealing with and went to sleep. I woke up in the night and held him while I cried. I went to work Tuesday morning just like regular.  I came home early from work for no reason. I just came home. I picked up his tablet and turned it on.  Actually not looking to find anything but to write him a note. There on the screen in the incognito window which he accidently left open was a porn and a chat tab. The chat tab had a few messages from a woman asking where he went. I couldn't see any messages from him and of course no browser history.

As a note:
When we first decided to get married I sat him down and told him that porn was a deal breaker for me due to my past. I didn't go into specifics but he knew that my ex was addicted to porn. He agreed that I view it as cheating and it is zero tolerance. 

See my ex husband was a porn addict for our entire marriage of 7 years. It went beyond your regular addiction. He quit his job so that he could watch it. He messaged women and planned dates from porn sites, etc.  It was a horrible time in my life. It took me years to get over that.  I never wanted to go back there.

When I confronted him, he told me that he knows our marriage is over.  He said when he opened the window to watch it he knew if I ever found out it was a done deal.  But as long as I didn't find out, everything was fine. When I asked him about the woman and the chat window, he told me that the chat was a pop up. Which is hard to believe since it is the first tab on the browser.  I spent 45 minutes trying to make it pop up again. I couldn't.  He watched some nasty video about a guy with his baby sitter. I am freaking out a bit. I have 2 teenage daughters!  They are his step children which he has raised most of their lives.  After this last year where I've learned that nothing is impossible I'm really scared.  I could never imagine he'd do anything to hurt the kids but,  He's done things I've never in my life imagined he could do. He's a spectacular liar. 

I'm sick to my stomach. I truly love my husband but how can I continue?
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Porn is normally just fantasies unless it goes to a place of addiction. How often is he actually watching porn? Would you be more comfortable watching porn with him? It's important to remember that he is not your ex and your fear from your past relationship is something you will have to move past in counseling. My wife and I have open discussions when we watch porn, we've watched it together and we do not watch it often. However when you been together for 10 years, I think it's natural to openly fantasize with your partner. 

Also, almost all poor has someone who's older and someone who's younger, I would not worry about your children unless he is actually a sexual predator. 

I hope you two can work past this in counseling!
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Gosh, Isitworthit, I am so sorry to hear about this.  You have two very big traumas to deal with:  The affair from last year, and the feelings of betrayal because your husband went ahead and looked at porn, after promising you he wouldn't.  Each are painful in their own way.  I get the impression that it is not the porn so much as the secrets and deception, all while knowing how much it would hurt you.  

Firstly, are you getting counseling currently?  If not, I would recommend going to a few sessions, as soon as you can, to keep your anxiety as low as possible, and your head as clear as possible.  As always, take care of yourself.  Focus on your own needs, and what is healthy for YOU to do.
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