Valntine66

Info: I am the Wayward Husband. 

Married: 30+ years (Oct 27, 1985)

Five kids: Son-30yo, Dtr-27yo, Dtr-25yo, Dtr-24yo, Son-17yo 



I have contemplated writing on this topic my story over the last 2 to 3 months since I’ve been on this forum.  It’s not because I’m afraid of my story or what people may think, but as TimT stated, it’s a place for healing and the place for you to comment on what we post and to feel safe.

I also contemplated writing on this topic because I was a pastor.  Since D-day, February 11, 2016.  I have searched to the ends of the bookshelves for books, pamphlets, materials on the fallen pastor and have only found one, Fallen Pastor: Finding Restoration In A Broken World: by Ray Carroll.  It has helped me to understand the mind of the pastor who commits adultery while standing in the pulpit preaching against the very sin he committed.  It definitely is not a book giving license to the pastor to commit sin, excuse slip for his actions, nor the monopoly card to advance to go collect $200, but it is a book to help understand “The Why” and addressed the patterns of not only the pastor who is already committed, but also the pastor who is on the threshold of committing adultery.  Every pastor he interviewed fell into the same pattern:  1. High Expectations from church members, 2.  Isolation of the pastor, 3. Poor or a broken Relationship/marriage with the spouse, 4. Judgmental & Response to ministry failure.  It’s also a book for pastors to help other pastors in either counseling, encouragement, or simply another tool in their utility belt to help stand in the pulpit preaching a message of what the Bible says about adultery.

On with my story.  My AP and I have known each other since 2004.  We first met while I was out visiting the neighborhood inviting Deaf to attend our church services.  I met her in her home, we talked, and she came to our church services along with her husband and her oldest daughter.  They attended for only a few months then disappeared for a few years.  Then in 2008, I left the church to establish a Deaf Church.  She then attended again, but this time alone.  Her husband divorced her because she cheated on him.  Several months after we established the church, she again vanished.

Then we ran into each other around 2013 through my work as a sign language interpreter in the community.  We talked a little, found out that she attended another church in the area and was quite “Happy”.  That was the last time I saw her until November 2015.  She texted me to pick her up for church again.  We arranged our van route so that I can pick her up.  She attended faithfully, attended one of our Christmas activities and that’s when “IT” started, not the affair, but the workings of it.

Shortly after our Christmas activity in the beginning of December 2015, I invited her to coffee at a local Starbucks which I usually do when a church member expresses their interest in joining our church (I did not have an office to use).  We discussed in short the membership requirements and the simple process of church membership.  However, our conversation moved from church membership to church problems to my personal marital problems I was having over the last 30 years.

I felt that he conversation became a little too personal and decided that we needed to end the coffee conversation and take her home.  Besides, I had another person to drop off that was waiting at my home.  The following Sunday, she suggested to continue our discussion on my issues because she felt that I did not convey everything and she wanted to help.  Well, as a guy who was going through issues in my marriage and ministry, I succumbed to the suggestion, this was December 20, 2015.  She invited me in for coffee, and the rest is history.

Our only way of meeting was her home after church or after a job that was close by her home since she lived 40 miles north of my home (I did take jobs far from home for the money).  Most of the times we met were short and conversational.  Sex was not frequent but when it was, it was done.  By February 11, I was so full of guilt, remorse, anger, and any other emotion a WS can experience.  What made it worse for me was the fact that I stood in the pulpit preaching against living in sin, practicing the Lord’s supper a week before, and lying to my wife when she asked me if I was having an affair with my AP. My BS heard from another friend of ours that something was going on with me but our friend hid the truth until she had more facts.

By February 11, I invited my AP to a Starbucks to tell her that it was over.  I told her that I was going home to tell my wife what I have done and pick up the pieces and restore my marriage.  I drove off to go to my last job to interpret.  Upon arrival to my job, the AP kept texting me in which I could not answer yet.  By the time I had my first break, not only did my AP text me about 12 real long messages of, “How Could You?”, but the last one was, “There, I told your wife what we did.  I hope you are happy now.”  I did not get a chance to tell her myself.  Just as I was responding to my AP first text, my BS texted me a cut and pasted text she received from that other friend of ours I mentioned above.

Since D-Day, I have done everything I can to restore our marriage.  I have cut off all ties, blocked her and the friends she used to get in touch with me, changed my number, read over 13 books, still reading more on marriage rebuilding and strengthening, and “graveling” down to my BS and what she asks.  I have always stuck things to the end, even if I finish last.  I will stick to this until the very end.

Val
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TimT
Thank you for sharing your story. I know it's a hard one to tell and possibly a hard one for some of the members here to know how to respond to, but I hope there will be some interactions that help us all learn more.
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MrsJMW
Thanks for sharing. I believe 100% that Satan will mess with you again and again to get you to that place where you are not doing life the Lord's way. Do I dare say that in the end this will make you a stronger pastor that will truly know how to preach against adultery because you lived through the steps that led to it, the guilt that ate you up. Your wife as the BS as am I will also have her very own testimony that will allow her to reach out to many because she knows the pain and hurt when learning that the man you have trusted and loved and given your life too chose to give a piece of himself to someone else. Like you my husband and I were having our own problems but it was almost like he became mentally ill for awhile. Instead of coming to me and saying that he was so unhappy and he needed me he lashed out in anger and even convinced himself that I was having an affair. This time in our marriage was hell on earth. Continue to love your wife and answer every question. Make sure she sees that remorse. That helped me so much. My husband finally came out of it but it took some time to really get through to him that he was part of our problem and instead of coming to me and pouring out his heart telling me that he felt unloved and unwanted I would have been able to show him that wasn't true. He had become so bitter and angry that he was not approachable. I have never cheated on him in fact always felt uncomfortable when being flirted with and always made sure that person that was trying to get my attention knew that I was married. My husband may not be the most attractive man but his insides and willingness to communicate his feelings to me has helped immensely. God bless you on this journey. Love your wife and remind her everyday why she is the one for you.
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Valntine66

MrsJMW,

Thank you for the encouragement and sharing part of your journey.  The one thing I have not mentioned above in part of my affair story is that our marriage was extremely unhappy, we argued for 30 years, but the ministry is what kept us together.  We argued, literally almost every day.  All my adult children said on average, we had 1 to 2 days in a month that we did not argue, but it was because she worked until 11pm while I was in bed by 10pm.  I have shared with her my feelings, but she dismisses them.

Since D-Day, like I said, I am working on restoring the marriage, but we recently traveled to CA for a graduation gift for my youngest son, visited her family, she received a LOT of council from her sisters, sorry to say, not a Christian environment.  She revealed that she is moving on without me.  That she would like 1 to 2 years of space to try life out.  She and I were married at a young age, her 18 and me 19.  She really never got to experience life and dating anyone.  I was her first boyfriend while she was my third.  While I was in the military, I had a one-night fling 3 months before our marriage.  I was honest with her about the one-night fling, we worked on it and married.

In the beginning of our marriage, I was not as open and honest with my feelings with her until I actually became a Pastor of a Deaf church in 2008.  We had many issues in the home that made it difficult in our marriage and our own personal relationship and I shared with her how I felt, she dismissed them.  For example, in early 2007, we brought in a room mate who was Deaf.  He was struggling with the loss of his parents, family, and finding his new faith in Christ.  My BS suggested that we offer him a room for rent to help save him money, help us with our mortgage, and help us with our Deaf ministry (we were in a hearing church building a Deaf ministry at this time).  I personally was not too fond of it, but she persuaded that it would be a good idea for us, so we went with it.  He became my assistant.  Their friendship developed quickly and strong.  She referred to it as if she were his mother and I was his father.  I was so uncomfortable with that concept, I expressed it to her, my family, and him.  After 6 months, literally I have tried to sever that relationship, but my BS “barked” and I crumbled to her cries.  Since the inception of this family friendship, they have had a bipolar relationship, happy together one day, angry the next.  He was not too careful with his responsibilities in the church and I wanted to get rid of him, but my BS stuck up for him thousands of times.  Again, she “barked” and I crumbled to it.

By around 2012, I really expressed how much I was displeased with our Deaf room mate, his deep dependency with my BS, and the amount of time they spent together doing the work of the Lord.  You may ask yourself, are they having an affair?  Not a sexual one because his hygiene was horrible.  I have been approached by several of our church members asking me if my BS and my assistant were doing something.  I stuck up for my BS saying they were not.  I believed her.

Another time I was open with her was 2 years ago when our church was growing, our Deaf assistant was becoming more irresponsible with his duties and I have had to take them over.  I became so overwhelmed with the church and the functions of it, that I wanted to quit, 3 different times.  One night, she and I were home discussing about church the next day.  I asked her if I could share something with her without her getting mad or interrupting me, but it did not go that route.  I got through to her on how I felt overwhelmed with doing almost everything in church.  She suggested to call some of the Deaf Bible colleges and see about sending an intern in the summer, 8 months too late.  But when I mentioned again the roommate issue, it went downhill from that moment.

A month before my affair started, we developed a Teen ministry where I hoped our Deaf assistant could work and make a difference since the Deaf teens were attracted and respected him.  That did not work on the first day.  I ended up taking over that ministry for the next few months.  By now, it is December of 2015 and I started my affair.

Now that we don’t have a Deaf church but a Deaf ministry along with the Teen ministry, they still work together, and my BS says, now I can work with him as much as I want and you cannot tell me any longer how much you don’t like it.  I have talked with our new pastor on the issue of my BS and our Deaf roommate working together in the Teen ministry and he shared with his reservations of him working at all with teenagers.  My point to this was that I have expressed how I feel MANY times, but she typically dismisses it saying it’s the same thing you say over and over again.  Other issues were discussed like the lack of affection, the amount of time spent together vs. her time with our Deaf roommate, her able to spend money on buying clothes for her and not me.  Her reasoning on that was she bought clothes on sale while mine were expensive (suits, slacks, dress shoes, ties).  I personally dress professionally, never in jeans or shorts.  

Val
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UrbanExplorer
It sounds like, if you reconcile, there are a lot of improvements to be made to the relationship through couples therapy.
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Valntine66
Urban,
There is a LOT of work that has to be done.  My pastor always asks me every time we meet, do you really want to restore the marriage, knowing how your BS is strong with her Asian culture, her assertiveness, and she refuses to change, although she knows in order for the marriage to reconcile, she has to change?  My daughter and i, as we were working on the house yesterday, she mentioned to me that all my adult children would love to see us back together again, but they don't see that happening because of they way my BS is set in her ways.  I told her i believe that God can change hearts, look at the apostle paul.  he was zealous for what he believed was right until Acts 9 where he met Christ and his life changed.

She said she admired me for sticking to it, but please, don't be a lost puppy hoping she will come back to you when she severed the leash.
Val
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