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Balingo
I'm in option 6 and its killing me. I want to try and fix my relationship with partner of 8 years but I have been having an affair for 2 years now and both parties know. It's crunch time and they both want to be with me and are giving me time to decide. Its been 2 weeks of in and out of contact with them and I am missing AP like crazy, I cant stop thinking about her. I feel bad that I should go back and try with partner of 8 years but I just don't feel the same way about her as I once did and I don't want to lose everything I have with AP.
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Guiltguilt
Balingo. It may pay you to read the thread about "the affair fog". What do you really have with your AP? How real is it? How much chance does the affair relationship really have of success considering it's built on deception? Also, the damage to kids, extended family etc? Even if the affair relationship seems real (and they do), what's the guarantee the same pattern won't be repeated? Please, question what you really have with your AP, and take into account the fog. What you're thinking right now may not be the truth.
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Scarlett
I think the best thing to do in these situations where you can't decide is to separate from both and go NC with the AP until you can go through the "detox". Only then will you be able to figure out what you really want. This is what I had to do and I was separated from my H for two months before I decided to come back and work on the marriage. It will be HELL to go through that detox, and I'm not kidding when I call it that. It is really like a drug addict or alcoholic giving it up. You will need to have support to help you get through this or you will go back. 
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Robin1971
Balingo you never said if you are married. Living together. Have children. I think these make a difference. On some level. NOT in anyway giving you the right to cheat. Or taking any feelings away from the one you cheated on. But. If you are not living with your partner of 8 years than your affair of 2 years is in essence your partner also correct? maybe elaborate more on your situation. But know that you need to get your head on straight because you probably don't deserve either of them for doing this. Work on you and figure out your own issues. Let them work on themselves and stop playing them by going back and forth
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Tim2014
Balingo to put it simply you're wearing goggles in this case affair goggles thinking of your ap only in a good light! But in reality like all us humans she's flawed! I'm sure your partner of 8 years I'd flawed but believe this you are exaggerating her flaws to justify what you're doing you may not think so but its true!if you choose her and when reality sets in and you stop firing all the feel good chemicals you mast find you screwed up the best thing going I suggest to you that you read and then reread Karl's post everyone because you'll find someone that woke up pulled his head out his a$$ and realize I'm messing up and is lucky to get a second chance
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Kalmarjan
Balingo wrote:
I think I may be largely attracted to APs looks more so than anything else because she is stunning and I feel as though everybody wants her.


Ah, yes... You are attracted to her looks, and how you feel... Here is some science to explain that.


If you want to get clarity, then right now you maybe need to take out all variables. Go no contact for a while and figure out where your head is at.
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Robin1971
Balingo wrote:
I think I may be largely attracted to APs looks more so than anything else because she is stunning and I feel as though everybody wants her.



this is a serious problem.  are you for real????? seriously, i can not believe you would even type this.  you sound like you are a teenage hormonal boy. " i feel as though everyone wants her"  unbelievable!  
so do you feel like 'the man'  because you 'have' her.  you need to work on your insecurities before you go screwing up anyone else.  im just glad there are no children in this mess 




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bessieg
Choose what makes you happy.
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Keepabuzz
Fortunately (really strange to use that word), my WS has been doing number 5, since a little while before she came clean and told me what she had done. We are just a little over a year from D-day, and we both work hard everyday to heal our marriage. It hasn't been perfect, It took her a while, (felt like forever) to really grasp the damage, pain, and hurt she had caused.

But as some others here have alluded to, having children changes things. If it weren't for our children, I would not have given her a second chance. Honestly, I would have divorced her years before she had her affair. She was depressed, angry, withdrawn, and refused to get help for years. Being a child of multiple divorces, I just tried to make it through. I suffered, so my children wouldn't have to go through what I went through as a child. All the while hoping the woman I married would come back someday. She has gotten help, and IS back to being the woman that I married so many years ago, the wife and mother she should have been all these years, the wife and mother the our children and I deserve. I'm cautiously hopeful that these changes are permanent, but only time and consistent behavior on her part will bring back the trust, and feeling of safety. Although I will never blindly trust her, or anyone else for that matter again. That vision of the world is forever gone from me.
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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Freewill76
My H chose option 1. I was given no choice in the situation and still hasn't had a discussion with me about ANYTHING. Just said it was over and left
I have no closure and believe I never will unfortunately.
I suppose my question is to TimT or anyone who chose this option.
How long do these affairs last with the AP once it's exposed and they are living together?
Everyone tells me it's not going to last because of the 20 year age gap but she works with him and now lives with him and are living a great life holidaying in Europe!! They seem happy
Even with consequences of his kids not speaking to him hasn't changed his point of view
You said 3% last long term? But how do they come out of the fog? Or is it that in time that excitement and wonderful fuzzy feeling dissapates and they start to regret what they have chosen. Or do they ever??
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Mia2003
Number 1
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Survivingbyfaith
I would have to say that I'm in the long stretches of number 5, but with way too many splatterings of number 4. My bs made a decision that she was going to give me another chance. I am very thankful that she is still talking to me let alone giving me another chance. I will never be able to feel the depths of her pain. She does her very best to be amazing wife and wonderful mother she is. Her strength is simply amazing. When I know, that it's all she can do to just get out of bed and face the world. After the husband she so dearly loved, just stripped her self-esteem, her self-worth, and her security.
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Survivingbyfaith
I would have to say that I'm in the long stretches of number 5 but with way too many splatterings of number 4. My betrayed spouse made a decision that she was going to give me another chance. I am very thankful that she is still talking to me let alone giving me another chance. I will never be able to feel the depths of her pain. She does her very best to be amazing wife and wonderful mother she is. Her strength is simply amazing. When I know, that it's all she can do do to just get out of bed and face the world. After the husband she so dearly loved, just stripped her self-esteem, her self-worth, and her security.
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flipperfive
Number 1 for me although I haven't given up yet and hope WS will one day want number 5. In the meantime I'm getting on with life and doing the best job I can to ensure our children don't follow in his footsteps and know without a doubt how to treat any partner they have when they are older and that includes treating their father with respect when it is something he certainly hasn't earned.
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