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anthropoidape
He should have been treating you like a queen before the ONS and even if he wasn't  he should be treating you like a queen now. He's not treating you like a queen. 
Maybe it is okay, maybe it will be okay.

BS, d-day Feb 2017, 16 mth affair.
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ssix6pack
Trinity wrote:


I was completely insane at 6 months out.  I am 1 year out and I am just starting to feel better but I am surely still in the process.  
MY WS is not much help to me.  I thought about buying that book you recommended "Helping your partner heal from your affair" (I think that is the name of the book) Anyway, I was going to get it and leave it with him in hopes he will read it.  However because he does NOT want to discuss his horrid choice at all, it will probably be futile in the end. 

For those of you who have a WS that is willing to be of help and healing along with you, it must me a great feeling.  I wouldn't know, but I am real happy that you have that support.  It means a lot.

"T"


Trinity, I’m so sorry. I don’t want to take for granted my situation, and wallow in unnecessary self pity. I truly wish your husband would get his act together. You deserve more. 
Betrayed female
2/11/18, d day #1. 
1/2019, d day #2.
Over a decade of unfaithfulness. 
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ssix6pack
Trinity wrote:


There is a conundrum for me.  I really feel that there is a HUGE difference between a one night stand and an affair.   I refuse to call my WS horrid choice an affair, it was NOT that at all, it was a one night thing.... also because I confronted him and her... for both it was NOT anything awesome.

Is there a point of diminishing return ?? Where you will NOT gain anything by asking and sifting and arguing ???  

It points to your "Pot of sewage"  which was a revelation on a few of us here.  "You can fish out a bunch of stuff from a pot of raw sewage, look at it and say, what is this.... but in the end it all S#it" !!  

I have never heard  words that were 100% more the truth than your statement on that day !!!!  

So where do we go from here ??   

"T"


obviously, my husband’s ONS was the least “affair-like” that I know of here. And, his immediate confession upon questioning and attitude after was almost textbook perfect. 

But, I still need him to be working recovery at an 11 out of 10. I won’t stand for a mediocre recovery. 

And, I do think there’s a time when questions need to settle down, but not until full disclosure has occurred and full cooperation. The only reason we are doing “well” is because of my husband’s actions since d-day. If he had resisted what was needed, I’d have been a basket case. 
Betrayed female
2/11/18, d day #1. 
1/2019, d day #2.
Over a decade of unfaithfulness. 
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Keepabuzz
I think there is a very big difference in affair discussion/questions and recovery discussion. I do think that after you have all the information you want/need about the details of the affair/ONS, and after you have gotten your rage out/under control, then the sewage pot comes into play. On the other hand recovery discussions should continue until the BS decides they are done, maybe never.

I cant remember the last time my wife and I talked about her affair. But we still talk often about the damage that it caused, and will continue to, until I don’t want to. 
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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ssix6pack
Keepabuzz wrote:
I think there is a very big difference in affair discussion/questions and recovery discussion. I do think that after you have all the information you want/need about the details of the affair/ONS, and after you have gotten your rage out/under control, then the sewage pot comes into play. On the other hand recovery discussions should continue until the BS decides they are done, maybe never.

I cant remember the last time my wife and I talked about her affair. But we still talk often about the damage that it caused, and will continue to, until I don’t want to. 


Yes. Discussing the damage done is entirely different. 
Betrayed female
2/11/18, d day #1. 
1/2019, d day #2.
Over a decade of unfaithfulness. 
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Laurajean83
Trinity wrote:


There is a conundrum for me.  I really feel that there is a HUGE difference between a one night stand and an affair.   I refuse to call my WS horrid choice an affair, it was NOT that at all, it was a one night thing.... also because I confronted him and her... for both it was NOT anything awesome.

Is there a point of diminishing return ?? Where you will NOT gain anything by asking and sifting and arguing ???  

It points to your "Pot of sewage"  which was a revelation on a few of us here.  "You can fish out a bunch of stuff from a pot of raw sewage, look at it and say, what is this.... but in the end it all S#it" !!  

I have never heard  words that were 100% more the truth than your statement on that day !!!!  

So where do we go from here ??   

"T"


Trinity, I agree that a ONS and and affair are totally different beasts.  Both horrid but very different.  I can see a WS struggling to see why their actions had the impact they did, and why it cant be a mistake to move on from.  So now it may get a bit tricky to become an underlying issue that is difficult to deal with but affects alot by popping up complex emotions into every day marriage struggles. 
WW, Dday 7 months ago

The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure.  Who can understand it.  Jer 17:9
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mermaid
A ONS and an affair may be different... but pain is pain. I have often thought I should feel differently about things--that I shouldn't feel so much pain because other affairs are so much worse. But I am trying to just accept my pain. By accepting it for what it is, I can then heal from it.

I was also the first one to call what my WS did an "affair." That word has meaning and consequences. I feel traumatized and devastated. I don't think it is fair to soften the language we use to discuss his actions. 
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ssix6pack
mermaid wrote:
A ONS and an affair may be different... but pain is pain. I have often thought I should feel differently about things--that I shouldn't feel so much pain because other affairs are so much worse. But I am trying to just accept my pain. By accepting it for what it is, I can then heal from it.

I was also the first one to call what my WS did an "affair." That word has meaning and consequences. I feel traumatized and devastated. I don't think it is fair to soften the language we use to discuss his actions. 


i think I’ve been lucky in regards to the fact my husband’s has not tried to minors his actions. He even indicated that he’s not sure he would have quit, except for that I saw a suspicious message on his phone (one day later, and he fully confessed.) He said the thrill was so enticing, even more so than the actual sex, which he said was mediocre. 

I’ve had much to grieve, even with it only occurring once, and even with him being so compliant. You’re right. Pain is pain. 
Betrayed female
2/11/18, d day #1. 
1/2019, d day #2.
Over a decade of unfaithfulness. 
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