Jimmygeorgia
i have been with my wife for 28 years, been married for 24 years of it. Just found out she had a totally immersive affair for 5 years, where she was meeting him biweekly for sex,also they were having coffee, taking walks etc all over my city. I have felt her withdrawal from our relationship but thought it was related to taking care of our kids and that my job required travel. Finally, I could not ignore the inevitable and decided to investigate. Less than 24 hours later, all of it unraveled. She immediately left him and stopped contact and wants to work things out. Looking at the emails she wrote to him you would think this guy was god and all that mattered to her. In a few hours she erased him from her life. I am so utterly confused. Anyone survive something like this?
Quote 1 0
TimT
Yes, some do, but the length of the affair and the fact that it didn't stop until she was caught should certainly be cause for caution. You certainly need time, at least, to gain some sense of what is true. Even then, you will have to be honest about whether you that much involvement with another man is something you can move on from. Some men can. Many cannot.

The important questions to know the truth about:
  • What was the true nature of the relationship?
  • Why did it start and go on for so long? Why did she stop?
  • What assurance does SHE have that it's over? That she will not make the same choice again?
  • Why does she want you (not just your marriage)?
  • What did she think the affair did for her that you or her marriage did not? Why has her mind changed about that now?
I think you may need some help with this, Jimmygeorgia.
Quote 0 0
Jimmygeorgia
It was a total betrayal, physical, emotional, mental and financial. Nothing stopped her, not even getting pregnant (and yes he is my son, I had DNA testing and the other guy has had a vasectomy 10 years ago). I had to get a PI as I have been suspecting the way she guarded her phone. She said it was all a fantasy and they saw each other an hour here an hour there, it does look like she was pushing him for a divorce (he is also married) and then pulling back when he started talking about running away together. She says she stopped because she truly loves me but couldn't get herself to stop until I discovered the affair which finally made her realize what she was about to lose. 
Quote 0 0
Jimmygeorgia
As additional information the guy pursued her for 2 years before she caved in and started having lunches etc which escalated into a full relationship. She said she didn't feel appreciated at home, had too many responsibilities with the kids and didn't quite realize what she really did have until I confronted her. She has given me access to all her emails, credit card accounts and her phone, and signed a postnuptial agreement that is far from ideal for her to show that she is truly remorseful and will do anything to repair the relationship. 
Quote 0 0
anthropoidape
It seems almost incomprehensible but it does seem like people have a capacity to put an affair like that in a separate box and pretend they have two separate lives. My wife did this for 18 months and said - all I can say is that the longer it went on, the harder it got to say anything. 

Tim is right it is a big negative that she was caught rather than confessing herself. On the other hand she is at least saying the right things about what she now sees/wants etc. 

You have a really difficult time ahead of you, if you are like me. You may decide to try to rebuild (I am, and it is working) but even so you have years of memories that you have to completely reassess. Relive basically. So you relive some moment that you now realise was proof of the affair, and you get a powerful reaction as if it were happening right now... Except it isn't so you can't fight or defend yourself. It is incredibly stressful and it is no good lashing out at your wife when it happens. You have to come up with some strategies for it. 

Good luck, you are not alone. 
Maybe it is okay, maybe it will be okay.

BS, d-day Feb 2017, 16 mth affair.
Quote 0 0
anthropoidape
Interestingly my wife confessed the affair to me and I believe it was genuinely torturing her and as she said driving her insane. But she said a similar thing to yours - that she needed my help to stop. I still don't know what to make of it, but after  about two months of an absolute rollercoaster of mood swings and 180 degree changes i her, she has settled down as basically a different person compared to when the affairwas happening. She says the whole period feels surreal though she also has guilt, shame, etc especially in relation to her affair partner's children as that family is disintegrating. 

Nobody would blame you if you simply walked away. Trying to rebuild is a hard road to take. It takes great humility and love. 
Maybe it is okay, maybe it will be okay.

BS, d-day Feb 2017, 16 mth affair.
Quote 0 0
Jimmygeorgia
She says the same things, that she was living two lives, always exhausted, readily admits she checked out of our relationship but did just enough so I would stay, and the day after discovery she told me how relieved she was that she could focus on the life that really mattered. It has been 6 weeks and I am just coming to a calmer space. I did a lot of shouting as there were thousands of emails I was going through which really prolonged the pain but also helped me understand some reasons for what she did. I do love her, but really wondered with such a total betrayal, if I could somehow rise above it. I am glad you are succeeding. It is great to hear. 
Quote 0 0
SSG
I found out last year that my husband had been having affairs for the majority of the last decade. The longest affair lasting 6 years.  I had no idea and believed I was in a solid loving relationship with a good man. Infidelity is horrible no matter how it occurs, but in my case the long term affair has resulted in me having lost all the joy the memories from this last decade once brought me. Birthdays, family vacations, date nights, inside jokes and just the memory of how comforting his embrace had been each night.  I think that great loss of the life already lived was equal in pain to the loss of the present family and the future I had always imagined.  
Quote 0 0
Dirazz
I am incredibly sorry you find yourself here. It's so sad to hear about this going on day after day year after year. If people only knew the deep pain and devastation betrayal brings in ones lives. You will find comfort and kindness here. We are here to listen to advice when asked. Just let it all out here. It's a safe place. 
Quote 1 0
Jimmygeorgia
I feel that everything in the past 5 years was a lie. There are notes she wrote on our wedding anniversary how she wishes it was their anniversary as she blew the cake I loving brought her. After giving me a kiss exactly at midnight New Year's Eve 2016, she texted him at 12:02 am saying how this would be their year. The list goes on. She had sex with him as I baby sat our youngest so she could get her (errands) done. Then the moment I discover, he doesn't matter one bit, and I am the center of her universe. I don't understand. I really don't.
Quote 1 0
Keepabuzz
I think that inability to understand many things in regards to my wife's affair has one of my biggest hurdles. I still struggle with it at times even though I'm 23 months out from d-day. 

My wifes affair was only 5 months, and he never really meant anything to her. In her words "I was so depressed, I just needed to feel like someone wanted me". I had backed away due to years of depression, and all that comes with that and her refusal to get help. She actually told me a few months ago "I didn't even like him". I just don't understand. Kind of the opposite of your situation. But I just can't wrap my head around how she literally destroyed me emotionally and mentally, and he meant absolutely nothing to her and she didn't even like him as a person at all. 

I think we BS's will never truly understand the WS, because we would never make those decisions. Much like I don't believe that a WS can ever truly understand the pain and destruction they have caused to their BS. 

I told my wife that I can never cause her the same level of pain that she has caused me. It's not possible. Even if I had an affair now, almost 2 years into reconciliation. The way she  sees the world, is different than the way I see it. I know it would hurt her if I had an affair, but not as much as it hurt me. 

For her, her affair is in the past. It was the biggest mistake of her life. But she doesn't carry the pain that I carry everyday. She can put it away, until my pain gets so strong that I can't hide it. When she sees it or senses it (yes, she is that in tune with my emotions), I know she feels shame and guilt, as she should. But if I'm ok, she can put it away. 

I have given up on working to understand. I think I do understand as much as I'm capable of understanding. Now I focus on acceptance. I'm trying to accept that it happened, not condone, agree with, etc. Just accept that it did occur.

I'm trying to learn to trust myself again. I had ignored my gut while she was having her affair. I chose to believe her instead of my gut. That's a mistake that I will not make again. I tell myself that my gut knew, I just didn't listen. I know the signs now, and if there are any in the future, I will be gone. I have a plan. I will be fine. 

It it does get better, if your wife does all the right things. It takes a ton of effort from both of you, and a lot of time. She has to do all she can to help you heal, be 100% transparent, and be single minded in healing your marriage. The other side of that coin is that you have to do the work to heal, and allow her to help you heal. 
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
Quote 2 0
anthropoidape
SSG wrote:
I think that great loss of the life already lived was equal in pain to the loss of the present family and the future I had always imagined.  


That's very well said. 
Maybe it is okay, maybe it will be okay.

BS, d-day Feb 2017, 16 mth affair.
Quote 1 0
Jimmygeorgia
Agreed. A deceitful past and a stolen future. This is not where I thought I would be. Ever. 
Quote 3 0
anthropoidape
Jimmygeorgia wrote:
Then the moment I discover, he doesn't matter one bit, and I am the center of her universe. I don't understand. I really don't.


Fantasy doesn't survive contact with reality. Dreams don't survive waking. 

I don't know. I am not someone who leads a double life but it seems to be a real phenomenon for plenty of people and it isn't as simple as normal dishonesty.

I will be honest with you, my wife was very clingy right after the confession but there was a bit of a rollercoaster afterwards. Do not be totally surprised if you see some big swings in her attitude over a few months. I now think a lot of that was her conviction that I couldn't really still want her and hence she didn't trust me (!) or my motives for a while. There was also her AP actively trying to do as much damage as possible while she still felt some obligation to give him emotional support. 

Then things settled down. It took four months before it felt stable and still of course a long way to go. 
Maybe it is okay, maybe it will be okay.

BS, d-day Feb 2017, 16 mth affair.
Quote 1 0
Jimmygeorgia
I am at month two. She has had no contact with the other guy, seems genuinely disinterested in any way to reconnect or talk to him. I just have these thousands of emails that state how she worships the ground he walks on (literally written that way). So now I am to believe he is nothing. Maybe it is so foreign to me because I have never lived a double life of fantasy and reality and I don't think I can. She is wide awake now, but how could someone live in a dream world for 5 years. Beyond my comprehension. She says she wants to rebuild trust, rebuild our marriage stronger than before and she is really trying. My point is, is this a bigger pill than I can swallow? The entire affair and the completeness of the betrayal hurts me daily. I have given her a life others could only dream of. But I got this in return. 
Quote 0 0