Hi all. The title pretty much says it all, but I found out about 5 weeks ago (December 15, 2015 to be exact) that my wife has been cheating on me for the last 15 years out of our 16 year marriage.
She started seeing/having sex with this guy on and off one year after we got married until last month.
I was obviously extremely shocked and is still very devastated. I thought about getting divorce from her right away, but decided to do my very best attempt to restore the marriage mainly for the children.
Since then, I have been doing everything I can think of to make her feel loved by me. I'm doing most of the house work (cleaning, cooking, dishes, laundry, etc) for her, leaving her a love note daily, sending her nice gifts, having a quality time with her, etc.
However, so far she's not really reacting to any of those. Rather, she often gets upset with me saying I'm doing too much, I won't last like this, I'm smothering her, she is an independent person and needs some space from me, etc.
I'm still going through severe devastation/depression caused by her betrayal, but doing everything for her.
I find it extremely unfair that she's not putting much efforts to heal my pain, but rather blames on me for the efforts I'm making for her.
I have talked with a lawyer for general consultation and have general understanding of my rights. (Not so pleasant though. In my state, she would retain the main custody, I would have to move out of my house, we would most likely end up selling the house, I would have to pay her for some job training/education, etc)
I plan to find a good lawyer for more detail consultation soon.
I have met with a marriage counselor 3 times after DD. She wasn't helpful at all leaving me no clear direction though. I'm working on finding a better one.
1. Her affair with this guy is over.
I saw email strings between her and him indicating he doesn't want to see her anymore. She also told me she won't contact him ever in the future. I am 100% confident that this is her true intention at the moment. I do not have a full confidence though that she or he won't contact each other some point in the future. However, this would only occur after if our marriage is ended.
2. I did confront her about a week after the D day.
I was furious and slammed on her really hard. She was a huge mess and showed her remorse and apologized to me for what she did.
3. What she had to say after DD
It's been a rocky road since DD for both her and me. We have talked for a long time many times. She did say that she loves me, she never intended to leave me and wants to stay with me for the rest of our lives. I don't want to give an impression that she doesn't care at all about my feelings or the damage she caused on me. She did say she feels awful about my pain she caused and I believe that is her true feeling. That being said, her slow to little or sometimes negative responses to what I have been doing are killing me.
4. She also cheated with another guy
There was another guy she cheated with maybe for several years (2007 - 2011?) in addition to the first guy she started an affair with in 2001. She was still having an affair with the first guy, but as the first guy was so unfaithful/unreliable in their relationship, she started another affair with this new guy to supplement or compensate the frustration from the first guy (that's my theory).
I am certain that her relationship with the second guy had ended a few years ago.
5. Some details about the first guy
This guy was an old friend of hers from her competitive swimming team when she was either in high school or college. We moved to Northwest in 2001 for my job and he happened to live close by. I believe they decided to meet just as friends for the first time. Looking back I recall her telling me about him as an old friend living close to us.
However, when they met, she essentially fell in love with him.
"Back when we first met in 2001, I really fell hard for you. I mean, I was head over heels." This is an exact quote from her email to him sent March of last year, less than a year ago from today.
It didn't take long at all for them to start having sex and that's how this whole affairs started.
I'd like to point out that their affair started less than 2 years after we got married. We were a normal newly married couple back then or I thought. We would have typical fights/arguments sometimes, but our relationship was fine in general at least back then and I could not think of any reasons/things that would cause this type of betrayal at that time.
Anyway, after the affair started this first guy had been pretty unreliable or faithful to her in terms of maintaining their relationship. He'd often cancel whatever the love meet they planned at the last minute, would stand her up multiple times. etc.
It appeared that he would typically initiate by contacting to my wife saying I miss you and stuff once every a few months whenever he wanted to have sex with her. Then there were emails back and forth between them talking about what he would do in the bed with her, arranging the date/time/location for their affair meet.
As a matter of the fact, some of their emails were so sexually explicit. It was just like what you would see in porn movies. This was a typical cycle once every several month and lasted essentially for the last 15 years.
6. One more suspect...
From her emails I read, I have a reasonable reason to believe she was at least flirting with one of my son's soccer coaches around last August till recently. I confronted her about the coach and she did admit she sent some inappropriate email to him, but denied there was anything beyond that. I am not sure if she actually slept with him, but do believe it was more than just emails as she described. She sent an inquiry to a local photographer about getting semi nude pictures taken for "his" birthday. The date wasn't either the first or second guy's birthday but did match the coach's birthday. She also sent an email saying loves and kisses to the coach, which she tried to delete.
I never saw a clear evidence that she had an affair with the coach though. They still might have had sex as they did go to overnight/out of state soccer tournament a few times without me last year. I believe the affair might have actually happened, but was more just for sex and she never had emotional attachment to the coach.
7. Some facts about our 16 year marriage
We have not had sex for 10 years or so. (My youngest kid is 11.) I am a normal, athletic/healthy male (I ran 30 miles last year.) and always had a desire toward her. However, she kept rejecting me while having sex with at least two guys multiple times.
We haven't slept in the same bed again for the last 10 years or longer. I also expressed my desire to sleep in the same bed. Her responses have been I snore (true!), I don't get up right away when alarm goes off, sort of lame excuses. I did think it was strange, but sort of got used to this over years.
8. I was not perfect
I don't want to give an impression I have been a perfect husband. I did cause fights, talked her down, said nasty things to her that I never should have. I even threatened to divorce her out of anger when we fought.
Even after the affairs became known to me, she kept referring to those things I did. However, most of those happened last several years as our marriage wasn't going well.
I don't think things I did were directly caused her affair certainly not in 2001 or even around 2008 when she was very active with sleeping with two guys.
9. Sexual items
After DD, I expressed my desire to have sex with her still. (I sent her a long and polite email about this, which she never responded) When I finally asked if she saw my email, she denied my desire instantly saying that's a low priority for her, she's not ready yet, it will take time for her, her focus is the peace in the house, etc.
I did see several emails she sent to those guys with her naked pictures including closeup of her private part when she was "frisky". I believe the guy sent his picture back in return. (She sent to both guys at the same time!)
I also saw her selfie picture in what appear to be a hotel room that I have never seen before.
Those pictures really destroyed me. Reading about her affair is one thing, but seeing your wife's naked photos as a hard evidence was beyond devastating. I could never forget those from my memory until I die.
Not sure how many would read all of the things I described here, but if you did I thank you for your interest and taking the time.
I'm obviously going through a trauma and probably not thinking clearly (as you can tell from this long posting...).
I'm desperate and appreciate any comment, suggestion or opinion you may have for my pretty messed up marriage.