lv304
Betrayed husband here. D-day was May 2016. She had a 6 month emotional affair that ended up with one day at a hotel where she was caught by our 21 year old daughter. Yea, real Lifetime movie of the week stuff. Daughter couldn't find her and and was scared. Traced her location using FindMyiphone app.

I came home from out of town after a call from my daughter. My wife was immediately remorseful and had zero contact after that day. Although in hindsight she probably went through about a 4 month process of losing the limerence. We had been married 28 and a half years at the time with zero problems other than the usual growing apart type stuff. Total surprise to me when it happened, didn't think she would ever be capable of that. Stupid me.

We did all the normal wrong things at first before we found a great program to work through. I give her about a B- for her work. She deals with depression and anxiety and it has been hard for her living with the shame even though I forgave her early on.

So here I sit today on our 31st wedding anniversary with the storm past, but still plenty of triggers to make life not as good as before. We are still married and probably about as happily as we were before D-day -probably marginally better. We do communicate better. Sex is only when its been too long because even though she is still very attractive and looks 20 years younger than she is, I just don't have the desire for her much any more. It changed us forever and especially me forever. It is not special anymore.

I have no idea why I am sitting here typing this. Not sure what it is I want to get out of it. Maybe it is just to get it off my chest. Maybe it is for someone to tell me to leave. Maybe it is for someone to tell me I did the right thing. I have no clue why.

So we made it through. We are still married. Family with our kids and grandkids one unit.So that is a victory. But with that said, it will never be the same. 

Unfaithfuls have no idea the carnage they will unleash with their selfish act. None at all.

Sorry you all are here.
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Keepabuzz
I am also a betrayed husband. I know exactly what you mean when you say you are changed forever. You can’t go through this level of pain and destruction and come out on the other side unscathed.  I also know very well what you mean when you say the sex is not special anymore. I feel exactly the same. We do have sex fairly often, but mainly because she wants to. I’m mostly indifferent about it. I could literally just do without it. 

Do you still talk about how you are feeling, triggers, etc. with your wife? Is she aware of how you feel about sex?
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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lv304
Keepabuzz,
Yes she is aware. She has asked what she can do and I tell her honestly I don't know. I guess it just passes eventually one day or it doesn't. We have done all the work to get through the affair. We processed it and counseled our way through it and put it to bed (pun intended). Obviously, I still have triggers from things. Albeit the feelings aren't as strong or long lasting as they used to be. The triggers pop-up, it comes to mind and I put it away. Although the sexual triggers do seem to be still pretty strong, but not like the first year. So I am hopeful.

Thanks for asking.
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Keepabuzz
I have told my wife as well. She had the same response as your wife. I also don’t have an answer for her either. 
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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ssix6pack
“Welcome”, but sorry you’re here. I’m only 6 months into this journey, this place has been wonderful. 

I’m thankful you shared your story. It’s so odd to me, many marriages who “make it” tend to say there is a “better” or “stronger” marriage...but there’s a heavy sadness to it that seems to haunt the happiness found. It grieves my heart to know this is likely my future. But, I’m not even sure divorcing would “fix” that. I think it’s the nature of the wound. 
Betrayed female
2/11/18, d day #1. 
1/2019, d day #2.
Over a decade of unfaithfulness. 
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lv304
ssix6pack,
Holy cow I think you nailed it right there in your response.

"There is a heavy sadness that haunts the happiness found"

Wow is all I have to say. You put into one sentence perfectly how I feel. I have one close friend who was there for me on D-day and he often asks how I am doing. Although he is a big fan of my wife and us staying together, he has asked if maybe divorce is the answer to that heavy sadness. I really don't think it would help that at all.

The next best answer I have heard from others -and pardon me if this offends/triggers someone who has experienced this - is that it is like the death of a child. You never ever get over it, but you learn to live with it.
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Keepabuzz
lv304 wrote:
ssix6pack,
Holy cow I think you nailed it right there in your response.

"There is a heavy sadness that haunts the happiness found"

Wow is all I have to say. You put into one sentence perfectly how I feel. I have one close friend who was there for me on D-day and he often asks how I am doing. Although he is a big fan of my wife and us staying together, he has asked if maybe divorce is the answer to that heavy sadness. I really don't think it would help that at all.

The next best answer I have heard from others -and pardon me if this offends/triggers someone who has experienced this - is that it is like the death of a child. You never ever get over it, but you learn to live with it.


I agree
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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ssix6pack
lv304 wrote:
ssix6pack,
Holy cow I think you nailed it right there in your response.

"There is a heavy sadness that haunts the happiness found"



thanks. My hobby is writing, and I’m glad I’m beginning to capture these truths in words. That’s encouraging to me. 
Betrayed female
2/11/18, d day #1. 
1/2019, d day #2.
Over a decade of unfaithfulness. 
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JORGE
Few things in life are as traumatic and life changing as betrayal. Innocence is robbed and trust is lost, possibly forever. I appreciate your courage to be here and hope something can be gained for you. I cringed twice when reading. First for the betrayal itself and second on how it was found. Your daughter's respect for her mother may be lost forever. It's difficult to see a spouse or a parent the same after discovery.

She too may need counseling. Just something to consider, as kids have a tendency to place parents in an untouchable place and now that thought may be gone. Not to mention your daughter's outlook on relationships and marriage (foundation of trust) is tainted  She's so young and impressionable, yet the wrong impression has been revealed, possibly displacing many good impressions you and your wife has provided her over the years. Very, very unfortunate.

Well wishes and keep posting so that those whom are experienced can help you through your recovery. 
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Kiki
Divorcing does not heal the wounds.  I am 8 months separated and I am still in pain everyday. He is with his AP, parading her around, bringing her to a family wedding after 6 months.  The good thing is that I don’t have to see him, but I think about him all day everyday. I will never escape this.  He texts me almost everyday, mostly about our children.  They refuse to speak to him.

Iv304, my story is similar to yours, my daughter at age 20, lurked his phone, told her sisters 16 and 18... then waited 2 months until they were home from school to tell me.

Jorge, you are correct, my girls have lost everything... respect for their dad, faith in love, marriage and relationships.  I worry about them and how this will manifest itself in their future. They are ‘Children of infidelity’. They are forever changed just like we the betrayed.

Ifidelity, the gift that keeps on giving. 

Iv304, how has your daughter and your other children dealt with this?
D-Day#1 Dec 19, 2017
D-Day#2 Jan 13, 2018
5 year “on/off affair”
Separated

Married 25 years, together 35
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JORGE
Geez Kiki. Heartbreaking. The collateral damage of betrayal is massive. You wonder how it's possible for waywards to be so selfish to pursue perceived happiness or pleasure at the expense of others, seemingly at any cost. That's a tragic story.  There's a time in one's life where only the bible can help ease the pain and loss you're experiencing.

Time to move forward with what you have though, which is your dignity and your daughters. Find happiness with them, rebuild your heart one piece at a time, find peace and then happiness will follow once again. It's important however to find your own happiness. It's possible.

I too have been married 25 years. I've not had to deal with infidelity as a married person, but often try to imagine my wife betraying me, just to help me understand the pain others are experiencing. Why go through this? I'm part of a marriage ministry at my church and wish to help those those who are victims of infidelity. 
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lv304
Jorge,
To answer your question about my daughter who discovered the infidelity, she was not real keen on her mom for about 8 months. Once I started to figure things out and my wife and I started through the process of recovery my daughter and I talked frequently. I counseled her on what caused it and that she needed to come to grips that parents aren't perfect people. My wife and her have come back together and all seems to be good. But I can't help but think that this will tinge my daughter's future relationships. I know from reading a library full of stuff on infidelity that if a parent commits infidelity the odds of one of the children doing so raises significantly. Another casualty of this ordeal.

My other children are north of 25 years old. They were not happy with their mother, but I think they had enough real world experience to know while not good, their parents aren't perfect.

Kiki - So sorry to hear of your situation. It sounds like you are doing what you can to heal. This is the right place to air your thoughts and get some feedback from people are living through it just like you. All the best.

Soldier on,
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anthropoidape
lv304 wrote:
 I know from reading a library full of stuff on infidelity that if a parent commits infidelity the odds of one of the children doing so raises significantly. ,


That may be true. If it is I tend to think it would be more in cases where a child observes the infidelity and sees it getting swept under the rug, tolerated etc. 

Like other abuse. A boy who grows up witnessing violence by his dad is likely to emulate that unless he learns that it's an ineffective form of dispute handling. The boy who sees violence by his dad and then sees his mother leave with the help of the police and his dad go through a lot of changes to become a better man... much less likely to end up copying his old man.
Maybe it is okay, maybe it will be okay.

BS, d-day Feb 2017, 16 mth affair.
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