Joss
I need help/advise my husband had an emotiona affair that lasted 9months. I found out 2 months ago and since then my life has been a rolercoster. Since i found out i told him i was going to stay and work it out but he asked for a divorce. And left 3 days later he came back and "ask"for forgiveness we where working it out. But 2weeks ago he said he wanted to separate for a while to asess our relationship. All tjis time I keeped thinking that his affair was not the reson he wanted time. At first my mind and feeling where all aver the place but after researching about forving an affair i took it opon my self to internaly forgive him her and my self. The day i did this i stared to feel better letting go of the anger and disappointment i felt was great. But the way he was still acting was still botheing me.last week when he came to see the kids he told me he couldn't understand what has happening that he missed me and the kids but he was confused. I did more research and found 1/4 life crisis and it described him to the t every symptom he had express to me was listed. I told him about it and send him the liks i had found and he agreed. He said thats how he was feeling. That he cared but didn't know why he was feeling this was that he needed "space" to figure it out. Today he confessed that he tried to contact the other woman through whatsapp(she is in another country) and she doesn't want anthing to do with him. And how to i know this i have her number on my whatsapp but she doesn't know she updated her status to "leave me alone". I keep offering my help and my support but he keeps pushing me away. He keeps saying that he is not worth my time that i should just keep going with out him i know he cares and he stills loves me i see it in his eyes when he comes to see the kids but his crisis and depression is getting in the way. Please i need advise i dont want to loose my 14 yr marriage we have 6 kids together and i want to stay with him and help him through this crisis.
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TimT
Welcome to the Community, Joss. I'm sorry your in this mess, but I want you to know this back-and-forth can go on for a very long time if you don't take establish healthy boundaries for yourself. Be sure to read the Wayward Spouse eBook available here: http://community.affairhealing.com/?forum=434815
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Joss
Hi! tim thank you so very much for replying to my story. I read the book you send me and wrote the letter yesterday night took a picture of it and send it to him via text. Since i don't know when i will see him he has been very absent from the kids life's. What do i do now i have been working on my self i know i still have a long way to go to be in a much better place. i know i have to wait for him to contact me,when and if he does what do i do? Do i answer back or is it going to depend on what he says first. Hope to hear from you soon i am very scared that he is going to walk away from our lifes. I did see him yesterday for a short time. Went to look for him where he is staying at for money. And he was not looking good at all. But he was still wearing his ring.he told me he has not been sleeping good at all and that he has been crying alot and he doesn't know why.
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Anna26
Hi Joss,

It's all very frightening when you find out that your spouse has become involved with someone else isn't it?  I found out about nine months ago that my husband was seeing someone, and he moved out of the house at my request about 5 months ago.  Just like your husband, he is indecisive and unsure about anything, even after all this time.
And time, I think is the thing that will help you and him in the end.  There is no quick fix, and you need to remember there is no rush either, to make a hasty decision.  
He sounds like he is really confused, but also remorseful.  He will be scared, just like you, and also very ashamed, after all, you are not the only one who stands to lose everything. 
All you can do right now is give him space if he needs it, but be supportive too.  Concentrate on yourself and your children and make sure you look after yourself.  If things are going to work out between you, they will, but not without a lot of angst and pain, and hard work too. It may not seem like it right now, but in the end, whatever happens, you WILL find the strength to get through this.
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Kalmarjan
Hey Joss,

Great advice already given here... but let me add my 2 cents here... as a husband who strayed from my marriage 

It sounds like the affair is over for your husband, and it looks like it was not him who initiated the no-contact. I mean, while your husband may have instigated it, the AP here is enforcing it. 

You can expect that your husband will be going through a very confusing time as he sorts out his feelings and detaches the "emotional hose" from that AP. I wish it could be easier, but unfortunately your husband allowed himself to become emotionally attached, and with that all of the withdrawl symptoms that come along with that. 

It sounds like your husband really wants to be with you but may be suffering from self loathing, and he may even feel like he doesn't deserve you. 

I went through all of these same symptoms. I can tell you what helped me.

My wife wants to be with me. So, she let me work on myself, allowed me the space to work through my feelings but she also stayed by my side, and we talked, and talked, and talked. 

I think it's important to allow some chance to reconnect with your WH, and show him that you are there while he detaches that stupid emotional hose. It's a frustrating experience, but worth it. I think there will be a better emotional connection between the two of you after this.

I am only 4 months after breaking up with my AP, and only 1 1/2 months of enforced no contact. That means, I made the decision to completely cut off all contact. Completely, for no reason ever will I contact her. I just can't.

Believe me, there are times that I want to. Maybe just shoot her a message in Snapchat really quickly. Maybe she will answer, and you know, I'll get that little rush. Like the time she texted me to say that I was cute. 

And, that at the crux is it. It's a little rush. Like heroin. Okay, I don't know what heroin is like, but from what I've read it's like that. 

It's not even the AP, it's the fact that someone is making me feel that way. But you know what is even better? When y wife does that for me. 

What helped me was finally accepting the fact that I can't remain in any form of contact with the AP. Period. That meant unfriending all of her friends on Facebook, and any other social media forms. That meant blocking the AP in all forms of Social Media or contact. 


Text messages from her automatically go to spam. Her number is on a block list from my phone's setting. 

No contact really is the only way. Your husband made a really, really big mistake. He knows this. Sometimes it's tempting to reach out and check to see that maybe everything is wrong. Maybe we didn't mess up that badly, you know? It's in vain, of course, because while we get that little drip of excitement, it's also having that dread and feeling of being back to square one that is the worst feeling in the world. 
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Joss
Hi anna26 yes all this is very painful this has been going on for 2 months since i found out and he has been out of the house for 2 weeks but sims like forever. I want this to end so bad. And have my family back. I have been trying too be supportive and understanding but he keeps pushing me away he just wants me to be there when he wants me too. I feel like he is just taking advantage of the fact that i want to work on our marriage for him to act this way toward me. I want to say he still cares about me that he still loves me but his letting all this get in the way. He is playing the "victim" card when he is the one that did the damage.
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Joss
Hi kalmarjan thanks for your response and input on my situation. But how else can i let him know that i am here fot him that i want to help him. That i want to work things out. He keeps pushing me away and he has said that he doesn't deserve me and that he is not worth my time. But i have told him that i am not going to give up and that he is worth it to me. How else can i show him my support and devotion to fixing all this. How can i be supportive and still give him space that is very confusing. Like for example yesterday i wrote him a letter to let him know that i love him and want to work on our marriage but that by the looks of it he was still very confused that i was going to work on my self and give him space to think and process his feeling well he did not respond to it and i didnt expect him to but today he send me a text to ask what me and the kids are doing do today. and I honestly dont know if i should answer or not. I want to invite him over to the house to spend time with us but i dont want him to think im pushing him in to being a father and a husband. What else can i do?
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Kalmarjan
Joss wrote:
Hi kalmarjan thanks for your response and input on my situation. But how else can i let him know that i am here fot him that i want to help him. That i want to work things out. He keeps pushing me away and he has said that he doesn't deserve me and that he is not worth my time. But i have told him that i am not going to give up and that he is worth it to me. How else can i show him my support and devotion to fixing all this. How can i be supportive and still give him space that is very confusing. Like for example yesterday i wrote him a letter to let him know that i love him and want to work on our marriage but that by the looks of it he was still very confused that i was going to work on my self and give him space to think and process his feeling well he did not respond to it and i didnt expect him to but today he send me a text to ask what me and the kids are doing do today. and I honestly dont know if i should answer or not. I want to invite him over to the house to spend time with us but i dont want him to think im pushing him in to being a father and a husband. What else can i do?


Really great questions. I only know from my experience and perspective, but here goes... anyone out there feel free to correct me. 

The pushing you away and telling you that he doesn't deserve you... I felt that way too. Thing is, who is he to decide all of this for you two? There is two in this relationship, and what he is saying is fundamentally controlling. I don't think on a conscious level, but it is what it is. 

I don't know how to fix that, but it seems like it's working on some level. He read the letter to you, and didn't respond to you right away, but texted you alter. 

It would be confusing to him, because he may be expecting you to rail out at him. You know what? I wanted my wife to. I wanted her to get angry, throw stuff, scream. All the things she used to do for minor stuff in our marriage.

But she never did. She was calm, listened, no matter what I told her. She might cry a few times, but she didn't do what I was expecting. Even when I told her there was a pregnacy, it went way, way, way different than I was expecting. 

The reason for this is she got counselling for her situation. She worked on herself, which blew me away. She realized that there was something about her that needed improvement in order for us to move forward. 

I think that what you have here is a start. I don't really know what you should do. I know that being able to talk to my wife without it devolving into a pissing contest of "you did this, well you did that!" helped tremendously. My wife asked me all kinds of scary questions, but in a way that I knew she was just gathering information and processing. 

We also didn't start off our being together with any intent on being a couple It was more of a feeling out sort of thing. Information gathering if you would. I think that if my wife would have pushed for us to be together it would have gone badly. It would have proved my AP prophesy that she was manipulating me back. 

Instead, we just talked. No judgement, no spazzing, no kids, just talked. In a safe place. 
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Anna26
I hear you Joss, loud and clear.  Right now, he's hurting as badly as you, he's been rejected by the person he thought was his soul mate, there could never be anyone like her, blah blah...but now she doesn't want him after all.  She's not the person he thought she was (just like you think that about him and me, my husband), she's let him down and quite frankly he feels used and stupid.
My husbands AP doesn't want him now either, and it's a big hit to his pride. Let's face it, they probably don't feel proud of anything right now!

Just be there for him, he will come to you when he is ready to, but that DOESN'T mean you should be a doormat. While you are waiting get on with your everyday life and show him that you are managing just fine without him.

Remember that you have done nothing wrong here, you didn't force him to have the affair, he, and only he, is responsible for the decision to do that.  Now he has to come to terms with his mistake.  He is not the victim, and if he feels he is, that's his own fault.

In my humble opinion, an emotional affair is the harder side of things to deal with, it's the fact that they have that emotional connection, in the way that only the spouse should, and it's rather a thorny bush to detach yourself from. And sometimes it turns out to be more than an emotional affair, my husband's was both.

I agree with what Kal says about him probably being filled with self loathing and feeling he doesn't deserve you, and I feel that my husband is like this too, he has already said he feels disgusted with himself, but still hasn't managed to drag himself out of the affair fog properly.  It is a rush, it's an addiction to the feeling the AP gives them that they crave, and every tiny hint of contact is a huge step backwards.  That's why no contact is so important.  I don't know if my husband has quite grasped this concept yet, but it sounds like yours has had his decision made for him. 

Be strong...one day and one step at a time... [smile]
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Joss
Oh my god ! Thanks you all for all your imput i feel like their is hope for my marriage. I responded to his what are you guys doing today text earlier just said not much trying to figure out what to do with the kids so they are not just at home,how about you and he responder with i could go get them and take them to the park so you could have some time to yourself and be calm
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Anna26
That's great Joss, business as usual...  hope you have time for a little peace and quiet, just what you need! [smile]
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Joss
Thanks anna26 he just got here and is cutting the grass i dont know what to do should i stay and try to have family time or should i let him just spend time with the kids and leave so he doesn't feel like he has to spend time with me
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Anna26
When mine comes (to cut the grass too!) I just stay, my house too!  Entirely up to you though, you might feel you'd like to get out for a while....different for me though, my children are adults now.
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Joss
Thanks anna26 i cooking so i think im staying he is actually making small talk with me. While watering the grass when i went outside to throw the trash away. But i dont want to push it i really dont know how to act around him so he doesn't feel pressured or anything im i just over thinking stuff? I think im presenting my self as relaxed and calm but I doubt my every move.
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Anna26
It's easy to doubt yourself, I know I do!  And I also tend to think too far into the future, planning too far ahead.  What if this happens, what if I do that.  I keep trying to take each day as it comes and not worry too much, but it is hard.

Sometimes small talk is good, I find I can only talk about the stuff relating to the affair in small doses.  It's so tiring!  Twenty minutes or so and I've had enough! 

And all you can be, when with him, is yourself! [smile]
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