Please know that what your BS is going through is likely the worst thing they have gone through in their lifetime. Their decision to stay and forgive is a not a gift, it is a process. A process that will bring out the best and worst in them. The roller-coaster that they will ride emotionally for the rest of their lives is the price they pay for staying with you. As my wife now tells me, she bought the lifetime companion pass for my roller-coaster and is all in.
I hope thay you were able to weather "well" the first year of knowing, considering. I agree that going through a situation like this, the BS is bound to experience and show (or at times unable to really show) their worst version. Prior to my knowing, I am unaware that I am capable of such seemingly infinite sadness. Of such terrible thoughts including ending everything in one go. One can forgive, but not forget totally. Small things bring back the sadness in the most unexpected situations - even baptisms, parties make me sad. It is like I am now incapable of enjoying myself in a way I used to. I was a bubbly person, always moving about and talking with people. Now most times, I just paste a smile on my face but have blank eyes. Keeping busy with nothing so that I do not have to interact if I can get away with it. This is the worst version of me. I hope someday, we find ourselves again.
Female, BS, D-day Mid 2014. Still sad. Trying to cope while no one else knows I am broken.