seventy7
Tomorrow is what i am calling my 1 year "Pain-iversary". I know the exact minute that I found out my wife had an affair, I still have the text thread saved in my phone where I questioned her about it. 7:42pm EST 11/1/17 is a day that I will never forget...

With that said, I have learned over the past year that I love my wife immensely. More that I ever thought I did, or could. The first 6-7 years of our marriage were great, always doing things together and seeking out new adventures. Then our son came along and priorities changed. My career took off, as did my wife's, and our friends circle grew quite large. With everything going on, we just kind of lost that spark. We still did things together, but rather than a quick trip away, it was a quick trip to the grocery store. But the biggest thing that we lost over the years was our ability to communicate. I wanted more from our relationship, but I didn't know how to tell or ask her. She has told me the same. We each chose our path to self-soothe, and fill in the blanks, with hers obviously being more destructive. 

I do not love what she did, but she is flawed, as we all are in our own way. I have forgiven her, but have not forgotten, nor will I ever. I can honestly say I want to live the rest of my life with her and envision us growing old together. That is something that I could not envision when I first found out. We still have had our ups and downs, but the highs outweigh the lows. I am on an anti-depressant for the first time in my life. This is even after I literally watched my mother suffer from terminal cancer for a year and half and die in front of my eyes. The pain from my wife's affair is so much worse and I need the help of medication to help me deal with it. At first I was ashamed, but this is life. Things get fu**ed up from time to time and, if you don't want to end up in an early grave, you do what you can to survive. 

To all of the WS's out there attempting to reconcile with their BS...Please know that what your BS is going through is likely the worst thing they have gone through in their lifetime. Their decision to stay and forgive is a not a gift, it is a process. A process that will bring out the best and worst in them. The roller-coaster that they will ride emotionally for the rest of their lives is the price they pay for staying with you. As my wife now tells me, she bought the lifetime companion pass for my roller-coaster and is all-in. 

Lastly, I want to thank all of the contributors to this forum for helping me get through the last year. Reading your posts, and knowing that what I was feeling and going through at the time was normal, and simply knowing that I am not alone in this journey meant the world to me...and probably saved my life
Male BS
D-Day 11/1/2017
It gets easier as time goes, but the pain never goes away
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Awakened
That is a great authentic read, thank you. I’m struggling to get through the 1 yr anniv of the months of lies and AF. My wife is finally opening up more about her feeling, her struggles, and her remorse. Not sure about my full trust or forgiveness but working on it.  Your post sends some hope which is great for today after a difficult poor sleep night. This site has been very helpful thus far—thanks
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Hurting2014
seventy7 wrote:

Please know that what your BS is going through is likely the worst thing they have gone through in their lifetime. Their decision to stay and forgive is a not a gift, it is a process. A process that will bring out the best and worst in them. The roller-coaster that they will ride emotionally for the rest of their lives is the price they pay for staying with you. As my wife now tells me, she bought the lifetime companion pass for my roller-coaster and is all in.


I hope thay you were able to weather "well" the first year of knowing, considering. 
I agree that going through a situation like this, the BS is bound to experience and show (or at times unable to really show) their worst version. Prior to my knowing, I am unaware that I am capable of such seemingly infinite sadness. Of such terrible thoughts including ending everything in one go. One can forgive, but not forget totally. Small things bring back the sadness in the most unexpected situations - even baptisms, parties make me sad. It is like I am now incapable of enjoying myself in a way I used to. I was a bubbly person, always moving about and talking with people. Now most times, I just paste a smile on my face but have blank eyes. Keeping busy with nothing so that I do not have to interact if I can get away with it. This is the worst version of me.
I hope someday, we find ourselves again. 
Female, BS, D-day Mid 2014. Still sad. Trying to cope while no one else knows I am broken.
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Keepabuzz
Hurting2014 wrote:


I hope thay you were able to weather "well" the first year of knowing, considering. 
I agree that going through a situation like this, the BS is bound to experience and show (or at times unable to really show) their worst version. Prior to my knowing, I am unaware that I am capable of such seemingly infinite sadness. Of such terrible thoughts including ending everything in one go. One can forgive, but not forget totally. Small things bring back the sadness in the most unexpected situations - even baptisms, parties make me sad. It is like I am now incapable of enjoying myself in a way I used to. I was a bubbly person, always moving about and talking with people. Now most times, I just paste a smile on my face but have blank eyes. Keeping busy with nothing so that I do not have to interact if I can get away with it. This is the worst version of me.
I hope someday, we find ourselves again. 


I could have written every word of this. I feel exactly the same way. 
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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Awakened
One year after the betrayal months, My forgiveness and trust improve but they are on a very slow roller coaster. She had done some sexting in our bedroom. It bothered me initially because everything did. Then it wasn’t an issue probably because so many other things needed to be dealt with.
lots of things are better personally and with us. But now I’ve been having more prob getting to sleep in our bed because of the intrusive thoughts. The imaginings. It almost seems stronger now than first few months after d day. 
I thought of rearranging the room thinking that might help.
i know a good bit but have been hesitant to press for more info but my imagination seems worse
some days better than others
as always, thanks for reading
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